Heal the healer
by yoong
Summary: *Final* Would Goku b able to forgive Hakkai? What was Sanzo decision about Hakkai&Goku's relationship? Gojyo got a horrible punishment, which was...
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura- sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes...  
  
Warning: Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted angsty plot and sexual abuse content. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.  
  
Heal the Healer  
  
A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki  
  
Plotter: Yoong  
  
Writer: Sumeragi Sakura  
  
Part I : Light and Shadow  
  
She smiled lovingly. Under the torrent of the pleasure gasps that were ripping her breath out of her throat, she cast a smile at him. A smile distorted by her silent scream, broken occasionally by her hoarse whispers of his name. She trashed her head to the side, gripping the bed sheet in sweet agony, trying to breathe still, while swallowing the moans from escaping her mouth. Her brown hair dampened with sweat, framing her face like a dark veil of the night embracing the pale moon.  
  
He traced his hand over her glowing, damp skin. Tasting it with the tip of his fingers, mapping his territory over her. With eyes droopy with lust, he watched her writhing under his body, gasping his names in little moans and sobs.  
  
He calmed her with his kisses. Hot and passionate were the lips that swallowed her swollen lips in tender caress. But what he did only turned her even more and when she raised her hips upwards, he could feel his arousal being gripped inside her wet, tight body.  
  
Hot.  
  
It was hot.  
  
The kind of heat that could suffocate you to nothingness if you'd ever surrender yourself to it.  
  
He did. He surrendered.  
  
And it was hot. He closed his eyes, feeling flesh meeting flesh, clashing, moving, spasming in the maddening rhythm of pleasure. He let her took him. Dragging him to the point of madness, sucking him into a blissful oblivion. He let her rolled on top of him and she took him in. Throwing his head backward, he bit a loud groan back into his mouth.  
  
She wrapped her heat around him. Hot and hard, she took him in, taking him into a world of pleasing sensations. He watched her threw her head backwards, opening her mouth for a silent plead. He could feel the little soul he had in him sucked away with every thrusts he rammed into her body.  
  
He threw her pulsing body on the bed once more, riding her rolling hips roughly. He took her into his arms and panted his breath on her neck. She gripped his hair with one hand, while the other one was scorching bloody traces on the surface of his back with the nails.  
  
It was hot. She was moving against him, sometimes slowly, sometimes roughly, like a graceful dance frozen in time. Her arms were all around him; her lips grazed his lips in a passionate kiss.  
  
It was a soul-killing kiss, poisoned by lust, threatening him to lose himself in it. All the meanwhile, she kept moving, rolling and writhing, caressing him with her heat. She snaked her hands around his waist, pulling him deeper into her, adding more pleasure with every thrust.  
  
He screamed a strained scream. As if the bestial animal inside him was struggling to be free, to escape from the confinement of his slender body. Like something new being born, exploding his body in a most pleasing way.  
  
It was hot. She took him deeper and he lost himself in the depth of the pleasure, completely abandoning all reasoning, all courtesies, all common senses. Nothing mattered anymore, nothing except for the maddening throb in his groin where his body met hers. He took her hard, thrusting deeper and deeper, until he thought he would stabbed himself into her soul and locked himself in it.  
  
Deeper...  
  
Deeper and deeper, he surrendered himself into the pleasure.  
  
His soul.  
  
His body.  
  
Together, their two bodies arched, riding the peak of sensations, howling each other's names to the heated air.  
  
And then he woke up.  
  
Thunder struck. From beneath the thudding sounds in his head, Cho Hakkai could vaguely hear its striking roar. He opened his eyes and saw nothing but darkness. The thunder struck again, flashing its silvery light into the dark room, making surrealistic shadows of objects to dance on the pale wall.  
  
He could hear the panting of breath, heaving loudly in the heated air. It took him some moment to clear his head and realized that those were his own. He raised his body off the dampened bed, rubbing his sweat-soaked forehead with a trembling hand.  
  
His mind was still bedazzled but his body instantly remembered.  
  
A dream.  
  
It was a dream.  
  
The kind of dream he'd never thought he would be having anymore. Not after what had happened. Not after all of those painful years of forgetting and denying.  
  
But his body never forgets.  
  
And hence his mind succumbed to the deepest, darkest desire his heart buried inside.  
  
Hakkai stroked his sweat-slicked hair backwards, hands messaging his temples. He couldn't be having these dreams. It had been so long. He had succeeded in getting over it. Getting over her. At least, he thought he had succeeded. The fact that he was still having these kinds of dreams was a proof that he had not.  
  
It was more bearable at daylights. With things to do and people to meet, it was easier to forget her. But when the night fell, especially rainy nights like tonight, there was no place on earth where he could hide from the painful memories of her. Of her smile, of her voice. Of her touch and embraces.  
  
He buried his face on his hands and cursed himself. Outside the window, the thunder struck again. His shoulder shuddered involuntarily, betraying his own feelings. I really should stop torturing myself, he thought. I really should stop.  
  
But the stirring arousal in his pants wasn't helping. He felt it swollen and he groaned desperately, throwing his needful body back on the bed. Some vaguely muffled sounds were streaming through the wall of his room, crossing the room to reach his ear. He turned his head slowly to the wall and stared at it emptily.  
  
"Gojyo., oh God! GOJYO...!"  
  
The stifled screams reverberated through his room, shaking the still air as if the air was a fragile surface of glass and the screams cracked it to pieces. Hakkai turned his face away, trying to pretend that he wasn't hearing the intimate moaning from the next room. But then the wall thudded in a steadily fastening rhythm, an added orchestra for the symphony of lust performing there, with the sounds of the dropping rain acted as the perfect harmonizing background.  
  
It was very much like Gojyo. Another night, another wench. He could tell really well, for the moaning voice was different with the one last night. For every night they had to spend in this run down inn in this godforsaken town, he had to listen to his friend ramming his ego into different girls. Every night.  
  
Gods..  
  
Enough is enough...  
  
This was probably what had caused him to have that dream tonight. The dream of Kanan. Of her warm passionate love and her even warmer passionate touch. He had to groan, for when he remembered about his dream, he couldn't help to get aroused again.  
  
That was just perfect...  
  
He wouldn't be able to sleep again tonight.  
  
And it wasn't because of his arousal.  
  
Nor it was because of the lustfully delirious moans from the next room.  
  
Nor it was because of the sounds of the pouring rain slapping on his window, nor because of the dead-cold air.  
  
It was because of the fact that he had to face the truth for the rest of his life. The painful truth that Kanan would never ever be in his arms anymore .  
  
+ + + + +  
  
Today, Gojyo was feeling quite cheerful.  
  
He walked out of his room with his hands in the pocket of his pants and his lips whistling a chipper tune. He walked down the inn's hallway in bobbing strides, a habit he always do whenever he was feeling light-hearted. Like today.  
  
Oblivious to the major restless feeling of the rest of the Inn's, he swung open the door to the dining room in one spiritful blow and made his entrance.  
  
"Good Morning, People," he threw a wide grin to the room.  
  
A pair of dangerously slanted eyes glanced at his direction from behind the folds of a newspaper. Sanzo was reading the newspaper, ignoring his breakfast on the table. From the look on his face, one could easily tell that the Houshi-sama wasn't in one of his good moods. His scorching, yet cold, eyes never left Gojyo, who insensitively threw his happy butt on the chair across the holy monk, still whistling as happily as a lark.  
  
A lark that had just enjoyed a whole night of hot, satisfying sex.  
  
"So, what's for breakfast?" he lighted his cigarette and threw the cigarette box casually on the table, next to his breakfast plate.  
  
"Your ass?" Sanzo's respond was quick and dry, still holding the newspaper across him.  
  
Gojyo shot an eyebrow up. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."  
  
The cold eyes behind the newspaper slanted even more dangerously. "Not the wrong side of the bed. Just the wrong part of the inn. Should've rent a the farthest room from yours."  
  
"What's that suppose to mean?" Gojyo grumbled, while scratching his hair, eyes darting around the dining room. "Hey, where the hell's that waitress lady? A man needs his breakfast now and she's not around to serve him?"  
  
"Isn't she still on your bed?"  
  
Gojyo cracked a laugh. "Nay, I'm not interested in widows, even though she's still looking hot. The one's still on my bed is some wench I picked up from the bar. Hey, what's with your attitude this morning?"  
  
"You tell me."  
  
After grumbling so, Sanzo went back into burying his head behind the newspaper he was reading before Gojyo walked into the room. Gojyo frowned his brows, shooting a questioning look at Hakkai who had been sitting quietly eating his breakfast through the whole conversation.  
  
"He didn't get much sleep last night," Hakkai told him, with a smile cast on his face.  
  
"So?"  
  
"He thinks it's your fault."  
  
"Really. Why?"  
  
"Well, let's just say, you weren't being very quiet last night."  
  
"Not being very quiet? Hmph!" Sanzo snorted. "He could wake the people in the whole town. And I don't mean this town. I mean the people from the next town. You were practically banging her on the wall, I thought you were planning to tear down this inn."  
  
Gojyo laughed. He wouldn't be laughing if he weren't feeling quiet upbeat today.  
  
"Well, since I'm feeling too cozy to respond to your bitter remarks, Sanzo, I will let them pass. Besides, I don't think it's completely my fault that you couldn't sleep well last night. If you did what I did, I mean get yourself a hot chick to get laid with, you wouldn't even notice what I was doing in the next room. Just admit it, oh Sanzo-sama, you're just jealous that I was having all the fun and you didn't."  
  
It only took a second to happen. Only Hakkai who clearly saw what happened. Gojyo hadn't even closed his mouth yet when Sanzo took out his gun from the fold of his robe, pointed it at Gojyo and pulled the trigger. The bullet dashed through Gojyo's magenta hair, missing his mouth a few inches away and hit the wall far behind him. A waitress who happened to be walking behind Gojyo screeched when the tea-pots on her tray was broken into pieces by the bullet. Everybody in the room stared at them, then at the hole on the wall made by the bullet.  
  
The waitress girl fainted on the spot.  
  
Hakkai ran to help the girl while repeatedly saying to the room that he was sorry.  
  
"Ch, I missed. Must be because I haven't eaten yet," grumbled Sanzo casually.  
  
Even Gojyo didn't know whether Sanzo deliberately did a miss-shot or not. "Or perhaps because you haven't had sex in years, huh, Sanzo?" sneered the red-haired epitome of obscenity. "Look, I'm just saying that it's a man's nature to occasionally relief himself. It's a healthy thing. And just so happen that I always find the right girls to help me in the process. Sorry about the noises, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, right?"  
  
"Do what?" asked Goku, who had just entered the room and sat next to Sanzo.  
  
His big, bright eyes were innocently blinked at Gojyo.  
  
"Ah, our monkey has awaken!" grinned Gojyo.  
  
Goku knitted his brows, which made him look even more like a cute, pouting, baby monkey. "Don't call me "monkey", Perverted Kappa! Now, what were you talking about? What's a man gotta do?"  
  
"To get a good laid with every hot girl in town, " Gojyo said it matter-of- factly.  
  
"You're a disgusting sick bastard," hissed Sanzo, in the same matter-of- factly tone too,  
  
Goku frowned even harder. "I don't get it. Why are you always thinking about that? And I don't get it, why are you talking about it over food? Speaking of food, WHERE'S MY FOOD? Sanzoo, where's my breakfast? I'm starviiiiing.."  
  
A thick vein of anger had popped up on Sanzo's temple and started to throb. His initial reaction was to reach for his holy fan and hit Goku's head with it. It was a reflex he thought he couldn't be blamed with, after years of putting up with the boy's irritating whining. But the boy shut his mouth the moment he saw Sanzo's untouched breakfast and started to eat it. Deciding that he'd rather loose his breakfast than to deal with Goku's whining so early in the morning, Sanzo didn't protest.  
  
Hakkai went back to the table, sitting next to Gojyo. He resumed to his breakfast again, while eyeing Goku who was eating like he had never eaten before. There was not a single trace of restlessness and sleepiness on the boy. His eyes shone brightly, his skin looked puffed and fresh. He looked like someone who had just have a good, long, nice sleep last night,  
  
Which was a wonder, since his room was also the one next to Gojyo's. Even Sanzo, whose room was two doors away from Gojyo's complained. But how could someone whose room was exactly next to the King of Obscenity's slept through the night peacefully?  
  
Feeling intrigued, Hakkai decided to pursue the matter.  
  
"Goku, did you sleep well last night?" he asked smilingly.  
  
"Yeah," answered the boy without even looking up from his plate.  
  
"You weren't disturbed? At all?"  
  
"Oi, oi, Hakkai, are you ganging up on me too? I said I'm sorry, okay? I'll try to keep it down the next time," Gojyo shot his best friend a wounded look.  
  
Hakkai smiled again. "No, no, it's not that. I'm just wondering why he could sleep well, since his room is right next to you. My room is also right next to you, but I couldn't sleep a wink."  
  
"Why couldn't you sleep, Hakkai?" Goku blinked at the man.  
  
The three other guys on the table turned and stared at the boy. Even Sanzo. Hakkai raised both of his eyebrows, completely amazed by this boy's naivete.  
  
"You mean..you. you didn't hear the noise from Gojyo's room last night?" Hakkai asked again, more in disbelief than curious.  
  
Goku shook his head. "No. What noise?"  
  
Gojyo let out a laugh, shaking his shoulders and banging the table with his hand. Sanzo rubbed his temple, unsure of whether he should feel frustrated or relief.  
  
Hakkai stared at him silently, bewilderment was clearly shown in his eyes.  
  
Goku turned to look at both of Sanzo and Gojyo. "What? I didn't hear any..."  
  
He froze, then turned slowly to look at Gojyo. "Gojyo, you brought a girl into your room again, didn't you?" accused him.  
  
Gojyo shrugged, after recovering from his laugh. "Like I said, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Besides, I don't understand why some people will reject the warmth or the female kinds. It's a total loss, I tell ya! So, Sanzo, do you want me to set you up with another girl I met in the bar?"  
  
While Gojyo and Sanzo fell into a discussion, or more of a quarrel, about the set-up of a blind date, much to Sanzo's disagreement, Goku resumed to his breakfast. Hakkai saw how the boy shook his head before he began to eat again, as if he was dismissing the thought out of his head.  
  
As easily as a shake of the head.  
  
How did he do this?, Hakkai frowned. How could this boy be this innocent? It was not like he had never exposed to such things. Being a travelling companion of Gojyo, spending those long hours on the Jeep listening to him talking about sex and all the girls he had been doing it with, couldn't make a boy to stay THAT innocent! It was not like he didn't know anything about it.  
  
He just chose not to care.  
  
And not just about the sex. He didn't seem to care so much about any romantical things. Or emotional things. How convenient, Hakkai thought with a bitter smile cast on his lips. Then, Goku would never know how painful it was to love someone and be loved so much, that it would tear you apart to lose that someone. Goku would never know the dark, empty feeling that had been torturing his heart for years, like an old wound that still bled. He would never feel the longing and the yearning, the aching sensation that crawls all over your skin every single night spent in lonely reveries. Chasing empty dreams that had long died but never disappeared from the mind. Neither consciously nor subconsciously.  
  
Simply because he chose not to care.  
  
How convenient.  
  
How envious Goku made him feel.  
  
If only, if only his life too could be that simple.  
  
+ + + + +  
  
Yoong's Note: It's been over a year since the last time I posted my Saiyuki fanfic here. And this is my first attempt at yaoi! Well, you may figure it out from the title, yep it's a Hakkai-centric fic. However, I'm not the biggest fan of Hakkai. Those who read my earlier fics might have known already who's my favorite character. I just thought of how to dig under Hakkai's usually placid smile to find his selfish-helpless side, which resulted in appearance of this fic.  
  
Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted angsty plot and sexual abuse content. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.  
  
Lastly, thanks to Sakura, my dear teammate for her cooperation in making Heal the Healer!  
  
Sumeragi Sakura's Little Rambling: This is the first time I co-write with anyone. Ever. I even do my school paper alone. But Yoong tricked me to like her plot and make me write it for her. *grins* Kidding. I love her plot. I would never have thought that Hakkai could be like..this. Oooh, if I say anything more, I'll spoil the plot. ^^;; Okay, this make all three of my Saiyuki fics angsty. Why's that? 0__o? 


	2. Stirred Shadows

****

Heal the Healer

Part II : Stirred Shadows

A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki

Plotter: Yoong

Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com 

"You Stupid Monkey! How could you leave something as important as the water supply back in the inn?! I've been dehydrating for the last five hours! And it's all because of you!!"

"Hey, Perverted Kappa! I got my hands full carrying all of the food supply! Don't you dare call me "Stupid Monkey" again!" 

"Why not? You ARE stupid! Is food all you can think about that you left the water supply?!"

"It's not that! I just….forgot…."

They were driving through a forest. It was nighttime. They had left the last town six hours ago and decided not to stop to rest in the forest because the next town, the town of Kaijin, was pretty much close-by. They would easily find it after they leave the forest, so they wouldn't even stop for any water to save up some time. 

In the front seat, Sanzo was rubbing his throbbing temple like usual. Another day, another fight. He would never find peace again once he got rid these two, hardheaded boys. Even his threat of shooting the two of them with his gun didn't work. He was at lost, feeling very much frustrated.

He turned to Hakkai for help, which the quiet man usually gives every time a fight like this breaks up. But Hakkai didn't seem like he even knew that there was a fight going on.

"You're quiet today, Hakkai," said Sanzo in a tone as friendly as he could ever manage to say, being the grumpy, cold monk that he was.

Hakkai blinked, obviously seemed like he just jerked out of his reverie. "Ah, yes, I'm sorry. I'm daydreaming. It's not a good thing to do when one's driving a vehicle, isn't it?"

Hakkai threw a smile at Sanzo, hiding with all his might whatever reason for his gloomy reverie. It almost slipped out of Sanzo's notice, if he didn't see the little straining at the corner of Hakkai's smile.

But Sanzo didn't say anything, knowing that it was not his business that he should poke into Hakkai's trouble.

"LIKE I SAID, rather than calling me stupid, you should see your own reflection in the mirror, Kappa! Does a pervert like you deserve the right to call names to other people?!" Goku shouted angrily.

"HAH! Why don't you look at the mirror yourself, Monkey! Stop being a hypocrite! Every sane, normal man likes sex! If you say that you don't, you'll be lying. You only think that you don't because you've never experienced it."

Goku's face looked like it almost burst like an over-reaped tomato. "I DO NOT! And I'm not a hypocrite either! Only a sicko like you gets horny all the time! Don't bring all the men in the world into your problem, Pervert!"

"That's bullshit!"

"No, yours is bullshit. Not every man is a pervert like you! I mean, take……take Hakkai for an example!"

Without all of the amazing self-control that he had, Hakkai wouldn't be able to stop himself from stepping on the brake and make the Jeep to turn and roll on the sand precariously. He did grip the steering wheel a little too tightly, though.

This too didn't escape from Sanzo's noticing eyes.

"What, Goku?" asked Hakkai gingerly.

"I said, not every guy's a perverted kappa like Gojyo. Look at you! You're a good man, Hakkai, your self-control is perfect. You don't have weird urges and you don't do disgusting stuffs. See, Gojyo? Are you still going to say that every man's a pervert, even Hakkai?"

Gojyo gritted his teeth, tasting the bitter flavor of losing creeping up his throat. He looked at Hakkai's reflection on the rearview mirror of the Jeep and found the man was smiling modestly, almost nervously. He snorted and turned his sight away, pretending to be interested with the view outside the car.

"That's not fair. You picked the perfect man….," grunted Gojyo.

Hakkai flicked his eyes to the rearview mirror, looking at Gojyo's reflection on it. The magenta-haired man glanced at him on the mirror too. Their eyes locked at each other for a long, quiet minute. Not a word exchanged between them. But they understood.

Gojyo was thinking about the time they lived together, when they shared Gojyo's little cabin back in the past. Their friendship born and bloomed inside the little cabin. Gojyo had learned that the man whom everyone thought as a monster for killing a mansionful of youkais, was actually the most tender, kind-hearted man he had ever known. His blood-stained past didn't really taint his noble quality. That was what Gojyo thought when he looked at Hakkai from the rearview mirror.

Hakkai knew that was exactly what crossed Gojyo's mind at that time. And he wasn't happy about it.

Perfect?

Was that what everyone is always thinking about him? Even Gojyo too? Perfect?

Don't be ridiculous. Of all the things people could say about him, perfect was the least correct thing. He was not perfect; he was even far from it. Flaws had scarred his past life in deep, bleeding wounds, unrecoverable with any good deeds he'd done afterwards to conceal it.

To call him a perfect man would be a mockery.

Would be a joke, a not at all funny joke.

Hakkai tore his eyes away from the lock of Gojyo's eyes on the mirror. He pretended to concentrate on the road before him. But Gojyo wasn't fooled. He caught a little strain of frown on Hakkai's brows, right before the calm man turned his head to the road.

Gojyo stared at Hakkai's back quietly, deliberately looking for some other signs. The back, however calm it looked, seemed a bit tense. He just realized, Hakkai was being unusually quiet during today's journey. Even quieter that he usually is. Gojyo knew Hakkai too well, to know that there was something wrong with his friend even just by looking at him. Or his back.

Perhaps, he just didn't get much sleep last night, Gojyo thought grumpily. Man, I didn't know I was such a disturbance to everybody….

"Yes, he's perfect! PERFECT! Unlike you, Kappa!" Goku grinned in victory, slapping Gojyo's back playfully, completely forgot that they were just fighting a minute ago.

"What…what are you talking about?" Hakkai tried to sound composed. "I'm not a perfect guy at all."

Goku leaped and leant his body on Hakkai's car seat. He wrapped his hand on Hakkai's shoulder. A boyish smile broke on his lips. His eyes shone brightly to Hakkai's surprise.

"Of course you are! You're the kindest man I've ever known! You've never gotten angry, or call people with names. You're the one who finds the solutions to our problems. You're the one who cares so much on our well beings. Whenever we get into a fight, you're the one who break us apart and make peace. You're a healer type of a guy, Hakkai! A true healer!"

Hakkai's eyes bulged for a fraction of second. He quickly concealed it by pretending to concentrate on the road again. He gritted his teeth and forced his tight lips to smile.

"You think too highly of me, Goku."

"But it's true! Even Gojyo admits it too!"

Gojyo grunted from the back seat, but not protesting anything.

"Don't be silly. I'm not like that, Goku. Oh look, I think the end of the forest is right up front!"

"It's about time. I'm afraid that the rain will fall down before we can reach Kaijin," uttered Sanzo dryly.

While the others were busy looking at the road in front of them, Hakkai stole a time to bend his head down and hide his face under the concealment of his hair.

The boy didn't mean any harm. Or to insult. But what he said sure felt like it to Hakkai. Swallowing hard, Hakkai tried to control his angry shuddering from the others' sight. Oh, the irony. He was struggling to control himself after hearing Goku told him that he has the greatest self-control a man could ever have.

Hah!

What a neat lie….

Of all the people he knew, he was the one who had the most trouble of keeping his self-control. And he struggled even more to hide the fact that he had the trouble to keep it. No one understood this. No one. And no one had the right to say such neat lies about him.

It was an insult.

Damn it, Goku….

"Hakkai!"

If only he knew what dark, twisted thoughts slipped into my mind every single night, he thought. How losing the existence of Kanan had left a big, black hole inside his chest, in his heart. And how difficult it was for him to hide all of these behind the calm, composed mask of his outer self. The boy was just too young. Or he was just too innocent. He wouldn't know. It wouldn't even occurred to him at all.

"HAKKAI! IN FRONT OF YOU!!"

Hakkai jerked out of his thoughts again. He blinked in surprise, before turning to Sanzo who had just shouted his name.

"Wha…what is it?" he asked, still haven't recovered from the surprise.

"Hakkai, if you don't step on the brake now, you will hit that man!"

Hakkai turned his head to the front and cursed mildly. He didn't realize that there was a figure wearing a hooded robe waving for the car to stop. That person was standing at the middle of the road, a perfect target for a hit and run situation. Hakkai twisted the steering wheel and slammed on the brake, causing the Jeep to screech and lose its balance. The turning momentum made the Jeep swirled on the dirt-covered road, dangerously dragging the car to move to the direction of the hooded figure.

"GYAAAAAAAARGH!!"

"SHIIIIIIIT!"

"HAKKAI, MAKE IT STOP!!"

"I'M TRYING! HAK RYU, TRANSFORM!!"

Hak Ryu obediently obeyed his master. A cloud of puff smoke exploded and the form of the green Jeep they were riding on suddenly turned into a little, white dragon. Hak Ryu flapped its little wings, hovering above the smoke, only a foot away from the hooded figure. He screeched worriedly, calling for Hakkai.

"Damn it, Hakkai, you could've warned us…," groaned Gojyo, lying with his face on the ground. 

"I'm…I'm sorry….," Hakkai coughed furiously, because some grass leaves had found their way into his mouth.

"I'm not going to ride on that thing again….," grumbled Sanzo, struggling to stand up in much difficulties, due to his thick-layered holy monk robe.

"Goku, are you all right?" Hakkai looked around, suddenly feeling very worried for he haven't heard the boy made any sounds.

"I think I got a bump in my head….," whined the boy, leaning on a big tree not very far from the others, while rubbing his head. "And I'm hungry……"

"For God's sake, Goku, can't you stop thinking about food for just a minute!" growled Gojyo, patting his pants to clear the dust away.

Sanzo hissed. "Don't talk about that now. We've got a more important thing at hand here!"

Sanzo stepped forward, staring at the hooded figure whom had been standing still in its spot the whole time. He stared at the figure for some silent time, before reaching for his gun and pointed it forward, to the figure.

"Show your face, Youkai," hissed the holy monk.

The other jerked in surprise. They all turned to stare at Sanzo.

"YOUKAI?! But there's no sign at all!" shouted Goku, confused.

Sanzo clicked the safety trigger on his gun, ready to shoot anytime. He shot a challenging look at the figure, until the figure finally took off its hood.

It was definitely a youkai. A black-haired male youkai with dark skin and yellow eyes. On his face cracked a grin of evil, the points of his lips slowly pulled up to form a lopsided smile.

"If you think that you're going to kill me and walk out of here safely, you're wrong, Sanzo-sama," said the youkai.

"Who are you? Who sent you?" Sanzo didn't budge his gun.

The youkai grinned even wider. "I won't bother to tell you, since all of you are going to die anyway!"

The youkai raised his hands up in the air and let out a wicked, screeching sounds. The bushes and trees around them rustled suddenly and from behind the leaves out came other youkais, leaping in battle-ready unsheathed weapons in their hands.

"Sanzo!"

"Watch out! Behind you, Gojyo!"

"SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!!"

****

***TBC***

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yoong' A/N:

Things just started in this part. Sorry for a quite slow story flow in Part 1 We need to portray the background of Hakkai's twisted mind that readers will be able to understand his reasons for things he's going to do in the next few parts. And here coming a fighting scene, which I always love as much as the yaoi one. Give credit to Sakura, she is good for one who never wrote fighting scene before!

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Sumeragi Sakura's Little Rambling: We're back! Second installment! Neat. Sorry, it took us so long to upload this chapter. Blame not Yoong. It's my fault, really. ^__^. Bear with me, though. This story is getting better and better, if not darker and angstier. Hehehe….

*she doesn't really know what to say in her note…..*


	3. At the edge of darkness

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Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..

****

Warning: Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted **angsty** plot and **sexual abuse content**. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.

****

Heal the Healer

A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki

Plotter: Yoong

Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com 

****

Part III : At the edge of darkness

Thunder struck.

The darkened gray cloud wept with the company of the roaring sky. Drops of cold water poured down to wet the dried air, spreading the smell of moist soil throughout the entire forest. The thunder struck again, flashing its silvery light to the spaces between the thick trees. The light flashed for a fleeting second, illuminating the entire forest, creating grotesquely shaped silhouettes under the hood of the trees' leafy branches.

A dark figure moved in the flashing light, like a bard of death performing his deadly dance. Between the trees and the bushes, he moved in high agility, even faster than the flashing thunder.

Hakkai leaped gracefully to the air, with a ball of light forming to take shape between his opened palms. He rolled in mid air and released the light ball to the nearest youkai. The lackey youkai screeched an ear-scorching scream before he exploded in pieces of flesh. 

By the time his toes touched the ground again, Hakkai turned at his heel and aimed his still-opened palms to the youkai behind him. The youkai dodged his attack quickly, but wasn't quick enough to avoid the deadly burn that set his clothes aflame with white fire. He screeched in pain, while rolling on the ground and scratched the grass with his claws.

The rain fell down like mad. As if there was a river up in the sky which flow of water was diverted downward, right to the ground. Or a giant lake with a leak at its bottom. The forest bed was wet and slippery with mud. The falling water reduced the visibility inside the dark forest. The air was painfully cold. It was definitely not a perfect time and place to fight.

But Hakkai stood his ground. He didn't feel the cold air sticking through his skin like ice needles. He didn't tread on the wet ground long enough to let the mud restrained the movement of his booted feet. And his eyes were scorching hot. They were hot enough to let him see through the thick veil of rain and tracked his enemies.

His body moved even before his mind started to think. Long before his magic formed between his hands. Effortlessly, he stabbed his own hand repeatedly through the bodies of three other youkais, letting them to fall down dying on the muddy soil. Another second passed, and he had ripped the hearts out of another two.

Then he stood there, under the rain of the sputtering blood. A veil of thick, red liquid cloak covered his body. 

Gojyo swung his Shakujou in a forceful blow. The youkai who plunged to rip his ribs away, was flung backward. Before his body touched the ground, it was separated in two at the waist and fell crumbling down to a heap of bloody mess. 

"Heeeehh...," he sighed. "What a troublesome herd…. Muscles only, no skills at all. Hmph! You're just wasting my time, filthy bastards!"

He stood there, scratching his hair with a bored attitude. He took his time to smooth his hair, as calmly as if he didn't care what happened around him. A moving figure dashed from his side, the gleam of a steel blade streaked a silvery line from the hand of the figure, just outside his range of sight. He silently picked his weapon and stuck it out to the side. The blade from the tip of his Shakujou launched in a lightning speed towards his ambusher. Without even looking, he managed to aim the launch accurately.

The body of the youkai fell down to the ground at the same time as Gojyo flicked his hair over his shoulder. 

"What a nuisance….," he complained. 

He turned around, trying to see what the others were doing. Not very far from him, Goku was leaping from the tree branches with ease. Just like a monkey, Gojyo thought. Of course. The boy looked as if he was having the greatest time. He irritated the two youkais who were after him with the mischieful grin wide on his lips. 

These youkais were not very skillful. It was not so hard to kill them. The main problem was, they came in a large group. Like a persistent flock of bugs. Easily crushed, but really irritated you when a bunch of them started to crawl up your legs. 

Goku seemed fine, while Sanzo was out of sight. The last time he saw the monk, he was chasing after the hooded youkai deeper into the forest. Gojyo didn't really worry about the monk. He knew Sanzo could easily take care of himself. There were not so many people he considered as powerful, but Sanzo was always be one of those people.

But what about Hakkai?

Usually, he wouldn't worry about his quiet friend at all. Despite of Hakkai's calm composure, Gojyo knew what great power he possessed inside his thin, frail body. He wouldn't worry about him either. Usually. But today, Hakkai was slightly different. Maybe he was tired, maybe he wasn't feeling well. Gojyo hated the fact that he wasn't sure what was wrong with his close friend.

So, grumpily, he went to search for Hakkai in the forest. He could easily sensed Hakkai's presence near him, just behind the line of trees beyond his path. He could sense Hakkai's aura. But this aura, however similar it was with Hakkai's, it was different. It felt…..darker. And a lot stronger.

A throb of worry stabbed Gojyo's chest. Inside, a leaden feeling gripped his lungs in a tight squeeze. He didn't feel good about this. He quickened his pace and arrived at a clearing in the middle of the forest.

The rain fell in a thicker curtain of water drops at the clearing, without any leaves or tree branches to cut it off. A mass of slain bodies scattered on the ground. The thick river of blood flew from underneath the mountainous heap of flesh, forming a small dark, red pool not too far away from where Gojyo was standing.

But it wasn't the sight of the slain bodies that strangled the breath from escaping Gojyo's throat. It also wasn't the flowing river of blood that stained the earth. It was something else.

Thunder struck. Its flash of light fell upon the dark figure who stood in the middle of the bloody massacre. The figure was slightly crooked, its shoulder was heaving in heavy draws of strained breath. Its hands, its two blood-soaked hands were hung on the side of its body, dripping thick blood down to the ground.

Gojyo stared at the figure in horror.

"Hak….kai…."

+ + + + +

He could only hear his own heaving breath. His sight was blurred, his eyes were heavy. He couldn't feel his legs, he couldn't feel his body. As if the only thing existed in the world was his breath. And his eyes. 

Rain… thick and cold, the rain was.

Just like that time. Just like that day.

It was also raining. 

He climbed up the mountain under the rain. His mind was set on one thing and his body wouldn't stop until his goal was reached. He was going to rescue her. He was coming for her. 

It was also raining. They attacked him too, that day. One, two, five, tens of them, he didn't know. He didn't remember. He wasn't sure he could see them either. All he wanted was to reach her place and anything that stood on the path between them should all be eliminated. 

He stabbed. He ripped. He slashed. He broke.

Anything that was in his way.

Any single thing.

It was also raining that day. But he wasn't wet with water. He was bathed in blood. Wrapped in the stinking smell of the blood, he came to her. But it was also blood he saw. Spraying, flowing from her body, down on the floor to reach his feet.

Damned the rain….

It couldn't wash away the blood that bathed him. The cursed blood, tainting his cursed soul. He was cursed, thus he lost her. In a rainy night such as this.

Hakkai rubbed his throbbing temple with his hands. His blood-soaked hands. The same blood-soaked hands he used that day. That day he lost Kanan. That day he lost his soul. The day he tasted death.

A slight prick at the corner of his sight made him turned warily. He turned around, hands tensed up in ready-to-kill stance. But instead of seeing the youkais as he expected to, he suddenly found his own reflection on Gojyo's horrified eyes.

"Hak…kai…," muttered Gojyo, dumbfounded by the cold terror that reign over his body.

It wasn't Hakkai, thought Gojyo. It wasn't Hakkai who was standing in the middle of those corpses with a cold killing desire burning in his eyes. It was the man from the past. A deformed Cho Gonou. A broken Cho Gonou.

Gojyo swallowed hard. What had awakened him? They met youkais constantly everywhere they went. But this was the only time Hakkai's demonic side was awakened. What was the trigger?

More importantly, could he turn back to the usual calm man Gojyo called his friend? His Hakkai?

His mouth was half opened to call out his friend's name. Hakkai's name, not Cho Gonou's. His voice was already in his throat, but the loud scream coming from somewhere in that forest choked him before he could utter anything. 

Wary and surprised, both of them turned at the direction of the scream.

It was Goku's scream. Calling out for Sanzo in a terrified tone.

"Shit!" muttered Gojyo, before he turned and leaped behind the trees towards the source of the scream.

Hakkai staggered backward, unbalanced with his sudden jerk of consciousness. The scream had awakened his sanity. Without thinking any longer, he dashed through the trees, trailing Gojyo's earlier retreat.

+ + + + +

Goku gritted his teeth. His body was cold with horror when he saw Sanzo's figure knelt on the muddy ground. Blood was staining his white robe, right at the side of his stomach. Sanzo was shivering with pain, still eyeing his foe with fiery fire of anger aflame in his eyes.

"SANZO!" 

Goku leaped to his side, holding his injured body tightly. Sanzo's body was as cold as ice under his touch. Blood trickled from between the fingers that clutched the wound at waist.

"Sanzo…," Goku found his voice hoarse with worry.

Sanzo snapped Goku's caring touch away. He pushed the boy aside and tried with great efforts to stand up by himself. He stared at the hooded youkai with shaking shoulders.

"Sanzo, what are you doing? You're hurt…"

"This fight isn't over yet," snapped Sanzo, stepping slowly toward the youkai.

The youkai himself wasn't in his best shape anymore. His robe was torn in many places, with bleeding wounds exposed under those torn rips. His left arm dangled uselessly on his side, stained with purplish blood. His dark complexion was pale. But he stared at Sanzo with the same fiery eyes as Sanzo's at his.

"No, this fight isn't over yet….," hissed the youkai. "Mark my word. My name is Boushu Jin, leader of the Kyogei Rhyaku, the band of youkais that rules over the middle provinces of Togenkyou. I will hunt you down and kill you with my own hands the next time we meet, Sanzo-sama."

The youkai's voice was shaken by his own anger. His brilliant yellow, cat-like eyes showed his hatred clearly. But he swallowed the anger proudly and retreated into the veil of darkness that surrounded the forest.

"Bastard…," swore Sanzo, before he fell to the ground.

"SANZOO!" Goku jumped in time to catch his fall.

"Lay him down on the ground. We have to stop his bleeding, " said Gojyo who suddenly appeared by their side.

Stupefied with worry, Goku let Gojyo took Sanzo's almost lifeless body from his hands. Gojyo gingerly held the monk tightly in his arms, while one of his hands pressed tightly against the bleeding wound.

"Hmph! I never thought you'd get injured easily by that scum of a youkai, Sanzo. What the hell was wrong with you?" said Gojyo in a serious tone.

Sanzo hissed in pain. "I wasn't concentrating."

"Is..is he all right?" asked Goku in a hoarse whisper.

Without turning to look, Gojyo spoke outloud. But his words weren't directed to either Goku or Sanzo. "I know you're there, Hakkai. Get your butt over here and do something with this hardheaded bastard."

Surprised to hear Goyjo's strange remark, Goku turned his head around to look for Hakkai. He was even more surprised to see the man stood a few feet away from them, just outside the line of trees, staring at them aghastly.

Goku frowned. He didn't know what was it, but he vaguely felt there was something wrong with Hakkai. But the man didn't let him see any further, for he immediately ran to Sanzo's side and tore open the bloodstained clothes. He put his hands above Sanzo's wound and concentrated his power to heal.

Gojyo was silent, staring only at Sanzo's grimacing face. Goku watched the healing process with impatience smeared on his face. He watched with amazement, seeing the blood stopped flowing from Sanzo's wound, until the only trace of the wound that was left was the just bloodstain around the wound.

"We should take him to an inn, quickly. The cold of the rain weakened his system," said Hakkai, already in his usual self again. "Hak Ryu!"

The little flying dragon, which had been hiding safely during all the fights, appeared quickly near Hakkai. He cooed softly, or rather grimly, as if stating his concern over the grief incident that fell upon them all.

"Let's go, Hak Ryu. Take us to the nearest town."

****

***TBC***

yoong's A/N: Sanzo's injured again. It seems like he's always the one to get injured both in the manga and many fanfics. grin Still, he's not the only one in this fic, as the story goes on, other characters will be injured too!

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Sumeragi Sakura's Little Rambling: Whoo-hoo! A fighting scene! It's actually the first time I write a fighting scene. And I'm kinda proud of this chapter *blushes* I like this chapter a lot. The atmosphere is just right and the words were sort of flowed out of me. Especially in the Hakkai's part. Well, I hope you like it as well. ^___^


	4. Envy

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Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..

****

Warning: Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted **angsty** plot and **sexual abuse content**. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.

****

Heal the Healer

A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki

Plotter: Yoong

Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com 

****

Part IV: Envy

Gojyo appeared at the threshold of the room. He leant his body on the wooden threshold, his cigarette dangling from between his lips. He looked refreshed after taking a bath, and obviously looking very glad to wear some dry clothes.

Hakkai looked up at him, after he tugged a thick blanket over Sanzo's body. Gojyo nodded at him casually, while his eyes were staring at Hakkai rather meaningfully. But he said nothing, except….

"I ran out of cigarette. I'm going to the shop. Anything I can get you?"

Hakkai smiled. "We need some more bandages. I've used all that the inn master provided us. I'm going to need a new set of clean ones when I change it tomorrow morning."

Gojyo nodded again. He turned away from the threshold and walked listlessly to the hallway.

"Oh, Gojyo! Don't forget to buy some medical supplies too!" shouted Hakkai before Gojyo's humped figure disappeared from his sight.

"Hai, hai….," answered Gojyo from the hallway.

"Will you stop shouting? My head's throbbing here," grunted Sanzo grumpily.

Hakkai smiled apologetically, turning his body to face Sanzo, who sat on the bed, leaning his back on the mountains of inn pillows arranged at the head of the bed. "I'm sorry, Sanzo."

Sanzo didn't answer him. Instead, he stared upsetly at Goku who was clinging closely at his elbow. "And aren't you supposed to be in your room. It's past your bedtime."

Goku scowled. "Stop treating me like a child, Sanzo…."

"I'm not treating you like a child. You DO need to sleep ten hours a day so you can wake up less whiny the next day. We're going to leave early tomorrow, so you better go to sleep now!"

"We're not going anywhere tomorrow, Sanzo. I may have stopped the bleeding and hastened the healing process, but your wound is still open. We can't risk a ride on the Jeep until the wound is closed," argued Hakkai.

"We've been delayed for far too long. We're going tomorrow, early in the morning."

"Sanzo! We're not leaving until you're completely all right," said Goku.

"I AM all right!"

"No, you're not! You're bleeding! Here, if I touch you here, you'll hurt."

Goku deliberately poked at Sanzo's dried wound. Sanzo winced in pain, but immediately hid it by smacking his holy fan on the monkey's head.

"BAKA!!!"

"See, it's still hurt, isn't it?"

"It wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't do that!"

"So, that means we're staying tomorrow. Right, Hakkai?"

"Uh…sure…you shouldn't touch the wound, Goku…," answered Hakkai, smiling. "But Sanzo's right. You need your rest. You've fought a lot today, Goku. You should sleep now."

Goku scowled again. "No! All of us have fought a lot today! You too, Hakkai. So, there's no reason for me to leave Sanzo's side."

"What?" snapped Sanzo, his face blushed like a reaped tomato.

Goku turned to face Sanzo. "There's no reason for me to leave you, injured like this."

"BAKA!!!"

"What, Sanzo? Why don't you want me to stay here with you?"

"Because you're too noisy! I can't sleep if you're around."

"But I want to!" 

The more Sanzo snapped Goku's hands away from him, the tighter Goku clanged to him. He held the arm tightly against his chest and looked deeply into Sanzo's eyes. Sanzo gritted his teeth. He wanted so much to look away, but something…..something in the boy's gleaming eyes told him not to. It was sincerity. It was caring. And it embarrassed him so much to face the honest feeling face to face like this.

"I want to be there for you when you wake up in pain in the middle of the night. I know you will and I don't want you to wake up alone. I'm not going to be so noisy. Just let me stay here, Sanzo. I want to take care of you…just like the way you took care of me when I was sick in the temple."

Sanzo averted his eyes, away from the soulful ones who were staring at him hopefully. He sighed deeply, torn between embarrassment and a slightly tingling feeling that warmed his chest. He didn't push Goku's embracing hands anymore. He just stared outside the window in silence.

"Baka…..," he whispered after a long while.

Goku's frowning face gradually turned into a smiling one. He laughed as happily as a little boy, holding Sanzo's arm in his even tighter.

Hakkai turned away, painfully tortured inside to see the obvious display of compassion in the room. He stood up abruptly, muttered his intention of going to sleep with a pretended smile and left the room immediately. Outside, he leant his back on the door, bending his head down.

He tried to kill the aching yearning that gripped his heart in a painful twist. He'd rather be injured in a battle and died at the spot, than to had to go through all this pain. How long ago was it? Like a dejavu, a recollection of a similar event in his life. But it would never happen again. He had no one. Nothing. No matter how grumpily Sanzo complained about Goku's existence in his life, Hakkai always knew that he never really wants to actually abandon the boy. Without realizing it, the two of them had grown to depend on each other, to need each other.

Another pang of pain hit him in the chest. Hmph, pain, it was not. It was more like jealousy. He wanted his share of happiness once again. He wanted to have the soft, soothing hands of Kanan to caress his aching skin again. He wanted to have someone to care for him again, as much as Kanan had always did.

Kanan, Kanan…..it all lead to one answer.

He needed Kanan. His Kanan.

But he knew he couldn't and knowing that hurt even more.

+ + + + +

_How are you feeling, Gonou?_

She smiled at him. A face so beautiful and cheerful hung close. He could feel her warm, sweet breath grazing his face softly. A breath that smelled like flowers, wild flowers blooming in the meadow. Her eyes shimmered with the glitter of happiness. Her soft brown hair, fell down to the side of her face, like a silky veil adorned a marble sculpted bust, so beautiful, so sincere.

_I've made you some warm soup. You should eat it to regain your strength._

She inclined her body towards him to let her soft, warm fingers to stroke his cheek. Just one touch of those fingers, just one graze, he would be relieved from any pain his body was suffering. And she smiled again, even more tenderly than before.

He caught the white hand that was stroking his face, brought it to his lips and grazed a kiss on the sleek skin. They didn't have to say anything, for the warm air around them was so filled with the tingling emotions shared between them without the need to use words at all. Their eyes locked together in silence, a heart shuddering silence, while their feelings traveled the empty space between them, reaching for each other. Caressing. Loving. 

She took his hand in hers and brought it to her face. Closing her eyes, she stroked her face using his hand. So calmly, yet passionately. He trembled under the torrent of emotions that battered his heart. When she opened her eyes again, a single drop of tears fell down. Down and down towards her chin. But her lips smiled a smile of happiness.

_I'm so glad I met you, Gonou…._

She bent her body over the bed and let herself be buried inside his opened arms. So soft and tender, so precious and priceless. That was all she was for him. And he took her in, into his arms, into his heart, into his soul. She was now one with him. His soul was her soul. His heart was her heart. His life was her life.

They shared a kiss, a bond so intimate to unite their longing hearts. No words needed, no promises spoken. They were bonded, flesh and soul, with the warm, tingling air as their witness. 

She was his everything.

She was…..

Hakkai opened his eyes slowly. Staring at the empty ceiling, he let a drop of tear melted down his face. The warm touch of her left a trace on his skin. As if she was here. As if she touched him just now. Her image was still smiling before his eyes. He didn't want to look other way, afraid that he would lose the image if he did. 

He brought his hands to his eyes. He closed his eyes, wanting to trap her image before him forever. But he missed her touch so much, it didn't help to see her smiling to him. He wanted to scream and he would if screaming would help to ease the ache that crawled all over his skin. 

But screaming wouldn't help. There was no other way but to endure it. So he gritted his teeth while shuddering hard, trying all his might to survive another lonely night, another painful nightmare.

Damn it….

He forced his weary body to raise itself from the bed. That was enough nightmares for tonight. To Hakkai, nightmares didn't always mean bad dreams. Any dream, anything, that would remind him of Kanan, or even anything remotely related to her, was a nightmare to him. And right now he was feeling too weary and weak to endure another one.

It was still at night. The inn was empty, devoid of any sound but the dull thudding of rain outside the window. He stared out at the rain-beaten window pane and soon was lost in another sequence of memories, of the past that had been dragging him back into its embrace even if he had been fighting against it. The greatest enemy to you was yourself, so they said. In a way, it was the truth for Hakkai. He didn't think he could ever escape from the emotional torment he himself created and let live. What the rain did was always reminding him of the night he lost Kanan. The night she stabbed herself, depriving Hakkai, Cho Gonou at that time, the happiness he seek to have.

Hakkai shuddered, tried to climb out of his own thoughts. He decided, sleeping would only let another nightmare to conquer him. He wasn't feeling like being conquered tonight. He stood and got up.

Hakkai walked out of his room, trying to find anything that would take his mind off his own memory. He walked in barefooted inside the empty hallway. The hallway was dim. 

Hakkai walked past Sanzo's door. He stopped hesitantly. He turned and saw the door was slightly opened. His instinct as a healer was telling him to go check on the room. His head told him to check on the wounded patient. But his heart tried to deny it, thinking how painful it was for him to see Sanzo and Goku's earlier display of affection. However, his instinct won and he approached the door to push it open in a deliberately slow swing.

It was the sweetest sight he'd seen during their long journey. Goku was asleep soundly on the chair beside the bed. His head was leant on Sanzo's arm, while his hands held Sanzo's hands tightly close to his body. His shoulder raised and fell in a rhythmic heaving. His face, boyish and innocent, was almost angelic.

There was something familiar about this. Hakkai almost choked by his own surprise and recollection. Kanan. Goku reminded him so much of Kanan. Kanan too slept by his side every time he fell sick. She would ignore Hakkai's suggestion to rest. She would insist to stay by his side all night, making sure he would sleep in peace. She would lean her head on his shoulder and hold his hands in hers, just like Goku did. 

A stab of pang pierced through his heart. For a fleeting second, Goku was no longer Goku. He was Kanan. He was someone he had longed to see all this time, longed to touch. 

For a fleeting second. Just a flash of hallucination his mind tricked himself into seeing. In less than a second, the vision faded away. But the effect it left on Hakkai was overwhelming. Choked by his own surprise, he felt an aching pang deep inside his chest, deep and deep inside, where he still denied the real truth.

At the moment, he realized that his yearning for Kanan had grown stronger and deeper. There was no turning back for him. He couldn't relieve himself the lonesome longing.

Perhaps he shouldn't follow his instinct and just left them be. Apparently, he was too late.

Sanzo turned his gaze to the door, seeing Hakkai's intense gaze on him and the boy by his side. A frown pricked on his brows, a wondering thought sneaked into his head. Hakkai had been acting strange since this morning. He remembered seeing the man fought for control over himself when they were riding on the Jeep and Goku was saying something. Something about how perfect Hakkai is as a man. What made Hakkai tensed up after hearing that, was lost to Sanzo.

But he didn't really intend to find out. He was not the kind of person who liked to dip his toe in other people's trouble. At least, not without the proper, if not forced, invitation.

Hakkai realized Sanzo's stare was directed at him. He smiled nervously, entered the room and approached the wounded man.

"How's the wound?" he asked in a perfectly trained calm voice.

Sanzo stared at him in silence for a while. Hakkai swore that this sharp man must had known there was something wrong with him. But whether he knew it or not, he seemed like he didn't want to bring the matter up to the surface. How very Sanzo.

Which was good, actually.

Neither did Hakkai.

"It hurts only when this baka moves in his sleep…He's holding me too tight…," answered Sanzo, also in a calm voice.

There were no hints of irritation in his voice. So, in truth, he wasn't really bothered with the presence of the sleeping boy by his bed. Hakkai smiled bitterly, more to himself than to Sanzo.

He took Sanzo's face in his hands, searching for some signs of fever. The monk's skin was warm. Yet, there was no sign of fever or whatsoever. Sanzo kept staring at him, and with their current position now, their faces were only inches apart from each other's. Hakkai forced himself to remain calm when Sanzo's cold eyes stared at him. 

Did he know about how I feel lately? He thought in anticipation. Ready for anything Sanzo would ask him.

"Hey…."

Hakkai blinked in surprise. "What?"

"I owe you one for this."

Sanzo averted his eyes when he said this, his voice was rougher than usual. But he sounded genuine, which made Hakkai couldn't help but smiled.

"Ah, no problem with that, Sanzo. I owed you one before, remember, when you didn't turn me in to the authority back then?"

"We call it even, then?"

"Of course."

There was a rustling sound from the doorway. Gojyo stood there, leaning his back on the threshold again. His face shone with a dim sign of the pleasant night he had spent in town. His trademark cigarette was dangling like usual from between his liquor-wet lips. He held a dull gray paper bag in one of his hand, while the other hand searched inside the bag for a while before it threw a pack of brand new bandages to Sanzo's bed.

"There you go. Ch'… I feel like a mother hen taking care of its little chick….," remarked the man.

A thick vein popped on Sanzo's temple. "I'm NOT your little chick!"

"Uh…thank you for the bandages, Gojyo…."

Gojyo shrugged and grinned. "Looks like he's getting better, isn't he? Looks like his spine has returned."

Sanzo snorted.

Hakkai smiled. "Now, now, let's just get out of here, Gojyo. Sanzo still needs his rest."

Gojyo raised both of his brows. "Oooh…looks like he's pretty comfortable with the monkey boy. Isn't that sweet, right, Hakkai?"

Hakkai didn't say anything.

"Just get out of here!" hissed Sanzo. "And while you're at it, might as well take this monkey out with you. I need to be alone for awhile."

"Ohh…you mean, you're just being nice to let him sleep on his own bed. Sleeping on that chair will give him a helluva cramp in the morning."

"Shut up and get out!"

Hakkai shook his head and approached the boy to pick him up. He was surprisingly light. Hakkai would never realize it if he hadn't picked the boy up. A soft, gurgling moan escaped the boy's mouth when Hakkai took him into his arms. But he didn't wake up. Instead, he comfortably nuzzled his face on Hakkai's chest.

"Oh, look, a baby monkey," Gojyo took a peek from behind Hakkai's shoulder.

"Let's go, Gojyo," Hakkai walked to the door. "Have a good rest tonight, Sanzo. Your wound will feel better in the morning if you do."

Sanzo didn't say anything. He just stared at them when they left his room. Hakkai brought the sleeping boy to Goku's room. Gojyo followed him from behind. Hakkai put the boy on the bed and tugged a blanket over his body.

Gojyo sighed. "Heeeeh…I thought he won't be able to sleep at all, with his Sanzo's being injured badly. Guess he's really thick in the head, doesn't he?"

"No, he's just being the innocent that he is. He's relieved after he knows Sanzo's going to be all right. After his worry being lifted, his initial exhaustion from the fight came to him and he just…fell asleep." 

"Not suppressing one's feeling is good," said Gojyo again. "You should do it too, Hakkai."

Hakkai turned to face him in one abrupt swing. "What?"

"You heard me. You shouldn't suppress your feelings any longer."

Hakkai averted his eyes from Gojyo's sharp ones. "What makes you say I'm suppressing my feelings?"

Gojyo walked towards him. He looked determined, like a man with a certain goal set in his mind. Hakkai couldn't help but felt a little intimidated. He knew he shouldn't. But he did, he did step back uncertainly. Gojyo raised his hand and tugged on Hakkai's elbow, catching his friend before he could step away.

"How long have I known you, Hakkai?" he asked in soft whispers, right into Hakkai's ears.

"Several years, Gojyo?"

"Don't you think that after all those years, I've grown to know you…really well?"

Gojyo took Hakkai's face in his hand. Hakkai looked into his magenta eyes, slightly dazzled by the fiery will they always shone. Gojyo put his other hand on the other side of Hakkai's face, cradling his friend's face close to his. He leant his forehead on Hakkai's, waiting for Hakkai's body to loosen up the tension it bore.

"I…I was scared when I saw you in the forest today…," whispered Gojyo.

"Gojyo…"

"Sssh….let me finish… Ever since that day, since the day you came back to my place, you…you've never shown any signs, any indications of your past anymore. So, I thought you've put it all behind."

Hakkai felt his blood frozen in his vein. Did Gojyo know about his nightmares? About his eternal longing for Kanan? About how he felt when he saw Goku?

"I've never been bothered by you past, Hakkai. So you're free to tell me anything you want to talk to me about…. I'm all ears for you…. Don't bury your feelings inside, to let it explode when you can't take it anymore. Just like today."

"Gojyo…."

"It was the rain, wasn't it? Just like what happened with Sanzo today. Both of you were distracted by the rain."

"The rain?"

"The rain that triggered your awakening. That side of yours has been asleep for years, but the rain triggered it awake again."

_That is wrong, Gojyo,_ Hakkai thought bitterly._ It would've been easier if it is because of the rain. Yet, it isn't. It is Goku, what the boy said and did is the cause. But you don't know that, Gojyo. And I can't tell you that._

"I've heard about your power, but I've never seen it with my own eyes," Gojyo continued. "And I'm worried. Not to those who received your power, but what the power will do to you."

Hakkai blinked his eyes. "What…...what are you talking about, Gojyo?"

"The other side of you. The You who was awakened today, was the same one who turned you into a youkai years ago. In that incident in the mansion."

Hakkai smiled with relief. So that was what Gojyo thought all this time. The awakening of the demonic side of him, the Hakkai that had killed a thousand of youkai in one night. His smiled widen, more gleefully. It was the other "awakening" he didn't wish anyone to find out, not even Gojyo.

"Why are you smiling?" Gojyo frowned his brows.

Hakkai shook his head. "No…I'm fine, Gojyo. I might lose it a little today. You're right. Must be the rain. And the fact that you think I'm such a perfect man, even though I know for sure that I'm not. It really kills me inside."

"But you are…"

"What?"

Gojyo averted his eyes, avoiding Hakkai's questioning ones. "…perfect…"

"Gojyo…."

"Don't tell the others I told you this!" the man threatened in embarrassment.

Smiling, Hakkai assured him with a friendly squeeze on his arm.

"No, I won't. Thank you for worrying about me. And I'm sorry…"

Gojyo took him into his arms, in a tight close embrace. Hakkai closed his eyes, inwardly cursing himself for hiding his feelings from his closest friend. A pang of guilt stabbed his heart. He nuzzled his face on Gojyo's blue vest, whispering his apologies to his friend wordlessly.

"Don't thank me. That's the least I can do for you," whispered Gojyo, rather hoarsely. "So…next time, just tell me…about what you feel. I hate to see you torturing yourself like that…"

"Yes….I'm sorry…"

Gojyo released him from the tangle of his arms. He cracked a wide grin on his lips. He patted Hakkai on the cheek, in a friendly manner.

"Naah…don't worry. Just don't do that again, okay?"

After making sure that Hakkai was all right, Gojyo stated his intention of retreating to his room. He cheerfully left the room, striding casually back to his room. Hakkai didn't move even after Gojyo disappeared from his sight. Instead of feeling as cheerful as Gojyo did, he felt the burden in his heart had grown heavier. He had not only avoid telling his friend the truth, he also lied about it. It wasn't easy for him to lie to Gojyo. The man had accepted him inside his place and let Hakkai to depend on him. Gojyo took him in even though he didn't know anything about Hakkai, even though he thought about Hakkai as a homeless bump lying almost dead in the gutter. And after Gojyo learnt about his dark, bloody past, he still wanted to take him in. To be his friend. To care for him enough to get angry every time Hakkai drowns himself in his mournful reverie.

And to a man who had done all of those things to him, Hakkai had to lie.

It didn't feel good. It actually felt awful.

But somehow, somehow Hakkai knew he wasn't ready to share the deepest thought, the most intimate need that had been bothering him, even to Gojyo. Not yet. 

_I'm sorry, Gojyo…._

He gritted his teeth. He suddenly grew very angry at this whole situation. At the madness that had been ravishing his soul. At the lost of control Gojyo had to witness. At the thousands of nagging needles piercing through his skin every time he was reminded about Kanan. At the need of someone else's touch.

And the trigger to them all was not the rain.

It was the one who was right now sleeping so peacefully right next to him, as though nothing had happened. Hakkai turned to glare at the sleeping Goku, chest heaving with rage.

If only this boy hadn't been here, he wouldn't have to feel this miserable.

This boy, with all of his sickening innocence and stupid boyish naivete.

This boy, who had been insensitive enough to judge him.

This boy, who deliberately displayed his affection openly to Sanzo right before his eyes.

And this boy, who caused him to lie about the torture the boy had been giving him, to the best friend he had ever had in his life.

Enough was enough.

If Goku hadn't been here, he would probably be able to live more peacefully.

And now he was sleeping so soundly, as if nothing had happened. _Hadn't he aware of what he had done to me?_ Such unfairness. While he suffered here because of him, Goku was peacefully sleeping.

Hakkai didn't realize it.

When he could actually see with his eyes again, and not being lost in his thoughts, he saw his hands, his own hands, raised and spread their fingers over Son Goku's throat.

He stopped in mid air. 

Trembling hard in mid air, feeling his blood frozen in his body, he stopped himself.

His eyes stared with disbelief at his own hands, pale and terrified.

What had he almost done?

What had he been thinking?!

Gods, what would've happened if he didn't stop himself?

If he couldn't stop himself.

Staggering backwards, with cold shiver running through his body, Hakkai whimpered while feeling as if he almost lost his sanity, right here, right now. He stared at the sleeping boy with wide eyes. He kept staggering backwards, until his back hit the wall and he sunk to the floor as his feet gave up on him.

What if he hadn't stopped himself…..?

Gods…..

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***TBC***

Note: We know you might think we did a mistake with Kanan's death. Yep, she slitted her throat in the anime, as we all know. We referred to her death in Minekura's original story in the manga, in which she stabbed her stomach, not slitting her throat.

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yoong's A/N: The story finally got a hint of yaoi. Let's guess who're the pairing! BTW, many Hakkai's fans might find it became more and more uneasy to read Hakkai in distress. Sorry, but the show must go on! I still have a lot of pain to torture him. snicker 

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**Sumeragi Sakura's**** Rambling:** Oh, I love the plot better and better *clasp hands for Yoong* The darker it gets, the more exciting it will be. And this story IS getting darker and angstier every chapter. But I love it. I hope you do too ^__~


	5. Storm

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Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..

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Warning: Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted **angsty** plot and **sexual abuse content**. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.

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Extra Warning: This chapter has an unconsensual sex scene. Skip reading it if you don't like this kind of stuff. Or if you are sure with your will, read at your own risk.

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Heal the Healer

A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki

Plotter: Yoong

Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com 

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Part V: Storm

The rain stopped the next day, leaving the trace of wet humidity hanging in the air. The wind had died and the sun burnt in its highest intensity, burning the stagnate air with its extreme heat. It was unbearably hot and oppressing, and it lasted a whole day.

The night came after the long heated day with a clear smell of a coming storm brewing in the air. Even after the sun set down, the weather was still far from being friendly, especially to the wounded, grumpy monk who was forced to stay in bed for days. It was day two, and Sanzo felt like he would go insane if he had to lie in bed for one more minute. The night air was stiflingly hot, it grew his annoyance bigger and bigger every passing minute.

There was an unspeakable tension hanging thick in the room. But whether it was because of the weather or something else, none could really tell. Sanzo sat leaning against the pillow on the bed. His wound didn't feel any better in the suffocating heat and he showed it. He had barked roughly at Goku several times before to shut the noisy monkey up.

Goku, feeling hurt, didn't learn his lesson. He complained about Sanzo's rough treatment to him perpetually, which resulted in Sanzo getting angrier and snappier. Gojyo perched on the opened window, smoking in silent while occasionally fanned himself with Sanzo's holy fan. He was in one of his mood too. He stared out of the window for a long time and didn't say a word. Hakkai was changing Sanzo's bandages, which was wet with sweat and blood. Somehow, in his sleep, Sanzo's wound opened up again, causing blood to seep through the bandages and into the bed sheet.

"The inn master won't be so pleased about the bed sheet, Sanzo," Hakkai said with a smile.

Sanzo slanted his eyes at the man who had healed him. "If he won't, then he's a moron for not understanding how a wounded man can not stop bleeding."

"If I wasn't moved into my room last night, I could've helped you change the bandages, Sanzo," grumbled Goku.

"I'll die running out of blood if you did," said Sanzo.

Goku stood up and balled his fist in front of his chest. "That's so mean! I'm not that stupid!"

"You are, a lot of times."

Goku's shoulder shook. He gritted his teeth. Hakkai could see the boy was actually thinking whether or not he should hit the wounded monk. For some reasons, Goku didn't. He sat back in his chair by Sanzo's bed and sulked.

"You should be grateful that I care so much about you, Sanzo," he said, glowering at the monk.

"I never ask you to. So shut up."

Goku stood up again, looking even angrier than before. "What did you say, Sanzo?!"

"I said shut up."

Gojyo laughed from his perch on the window. He turned to see Goku's face flushing like dynamite ready to burst.

"What's so funny, Perverted Kappa?" shouted Goku.

"You. Why should you bother messing with the stupid monk when he told you to go away many times?" 

"Did you say I'm stupid?" snapped Sanzo.

"You are. Most of the times," Gojyo grinned a nasty smile.

"Did you stay I'm stupid?" Sanzo tried to rise from the bed, reaching for his gun that laid on the table next to the bed.

Hakkai tried to calm him, lightly push him back to the bed. "You shouldn't move a lot, Sanzo, I'm still dressing the bandages here."

"Fine. If you don't want to do it, I'll dress it myself!" Sanzo snapped at him.

"Why the hell are you being so hot-headed suddenly, oi, Sanzo?" asked Gojyo, with a slight tone of annoyance in his voice, seeing Hakkai being yelled at.

"What the fuck do you think caused it?" 

"Can't you stop yelling at your friends?" shouted Goku. "It's bad enough that you yell at me a lot of times."

"Yeah, what's your problem, hey, Sanzo?" asked Gojyo with his hands on his hip.

"Now, now… it must be the hot weather and the wound. Everyone, please be calm now," Hakkai tried to calm them down.

Sanzo reached for his gun and aimed it at Gojyo. "My problem is you, all of you. It's hot and I'm hurt and you're bothering me. Get out of my room. Now. I won't think twice to pull the trigger at anyone who would test my nerve anymore."

Gojyo burst. "You dare to point that thing at me?!! Hah?!"

"Sanzo!"

Sanzo released the safety clip. "Get out. Now."

Hakkai stood up, dragged both Gojyo and Goku to the door. The two protested and struggled, each want to teach the stupid monk a lesson that -quoting from their direct words- "he won't ever forget". Hakkai closed the door on their face.

He dared himself to return to Sanzo's bed. Raising his naked hands upward, he smiled at the wounded man. 

"It's probably not a good idea to shoot me, Sanzo, because I'm the only one who can heal your wound. I'm not going to do anything else to you, but to finish dressing up your bandages."

After staring at Hakkai for a while, Sanzo lowered his gun and leant his sweating back on the pillows. He covered his eyes with one of his hands while blowing his breath.

"Gods….. what's wrong with me…?"

Hakkai sat on the bed, besides Sanzo, diligently finishing wrapping the wound with the bandages. The wound had opened again last night, but once Hakkai healed it again today, it would surely be closed by tomorrow. It was a deep wound, however strong Sanzo's physique an his healing magic were, it would still take some time to heal.

"It's the heat that effected badly on you. And also this wound, which I figure still hurt you quite bad," answered Hakkai calmly.

"It burnt like fire last night. Now I feel like being thrust with hundreds of flaming needles…"

"I'll feel a lot better tomorrow. Or later tonight, if the weather improves."

"Hmph…. They deserve it, though."

Hakkai raised his brows. "Deserve what?"

"Being shot. Ch', noisy bunch."

Hakkai chuckled. He tied the last thread of the bandages together and sat back to check his work with Sanzo's bandages. They looked neatly and tightly bound, wrapping half of Sanzo's torso firmly, to help the closing of the wound.

"I'm done here, but I want you to drink something….here.."

Dubiously, Sanzo received the little greenish tablets Hakkai gave him. He never liked medicines, especially when they came in tablets and pills. Herbal drinks were better, but he never trusted tablets and pills. Knowing his travelling companion, Hakkai smiled.

"Don't worry. It's just something to calm you down. I made them myself, from the extract of the ganyu fungus I picked in the Shou Hei Forest, washed and boiled in hot water, poured in some substance I found in…."

Sanzo raised his hand to stop Hakkai's rambling. "All right, I understand. I'll drink it. If you did mess with this thing, I'll kill you when I wake up."

"Don't be silly. If I did mess with the tablet, you won't be waking up anymore after you take it."

Sanzo glared at him. If Hakkai were a few seconds late in assuring, the monk would've thrown the tablet across the room.

"I'm joking, Sanzo, I'm joking," Hakkai handed Sanzo a glass of water.

After a few minutes of arguing and persuading, Hakkai opened the door of the room, leaving the wounded monk drugged and asleep, and closed the door again behind his back. He was soon greeted by the questioning eyes of Goku.

"How is he?" he asked.

"I can't believe you're still worried about the bastard after how he treated you that way," grunted Gojyo, who stood smoking, leaning his back on the hallway wall.

"I'm also very angry first, but I know he was not himself today," answered Goku gravely, to Gojyo's surprise.

"He's fine. I gave him a tranquilizing tablet. He'll be sleeping like a log tonight and be his true self again tomorrow morning, Goku," said Hakkai, while slightly glancing at the still-upset Gojyo.

"Come on, Gojyo. Accompany me in a game of cards. The night is still too young for you to visit the taverns, isn't it?" Hakkai curled his arm around Gojyo's right elbow and slightly pulled his friend towards him.

Gojyo was reluctant. "A game of cards? At such time? I don't know, Hakkai, I feel too hot to think…"

"Then don't think, just play. Come on, there's no use for us to stand around here. And it's too early to retreat to bed."

Sighing, Gojyo shrugged submissively. "Hai, hai… Fine. Goku, you coming?"

Hakkai froze. In truth, the real reason why he suddenly asked Gojyo to play cards was to avoid being in the same room with Goku. He felt like he would have to avoid the boy. What, in Buddha's name, he would do next to the boy if he didn't, feared him so. 

He winced and wished Goku would answer otherwise.

"No, thanks. I think I'll just stay here….," answered the boy surly.

"What? What are you, stupid? There's no use for you so stand around like an idiot in this hall way," said Gojyo.

Goku slumped down to the floor, right next to the door to Sanzo's bedroom. He pulled his knees to his chest and hugged his legs. He looked up, to Gojyo's face and Hakkai's back, and smiled. A big, wide toothy smile, very boyish in his own way.

"No, that's okay. I'll just stay here. I'm not really good at playing cards anyway. Why don't you two just go and play?" he even waved his hand to both of them.

Snorting and shrugging, Gojyo turned around. He hugged Hakkai's shoulder and dragged the silent man out of the hallway.

"Oh well, it's your loss, Goku. C'mon, Hakkai, I'll beat you this time!"

Hakkai just smiled, while inwardly he blew a breath of relief.

+ + + + +

  


"Gyahahaha……. I can't believe it! I won! I really won! Look at my beautiful Straight flush! Oooh, look at how pretty those numbers line!"

Gojyo sat back and put his booted feet on the table, with an air of a king who had just won a war. His face shone brightly with glee, his lips smiled widely with cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth. He put his hands behind his head, sighing in contentment.

Hak Ryu, who had been curling at Hakkai's bed, sound asleep, raised its little head after hearing Gojyo's loud exclamation. Seeing that nothing that interested it had happened, it went back to his sleep.

"Ah, what a memorable occasion this is! I, the one who's famous as the gambling master in almost every cities we've passed in our journey, has never once beat you, Cho Hakkai. But now the table has been turned. Go and taste the bitter sweet of losing, my friend!"

Laughing again, he took the cigarette off his lips and blow rings of smoke to Hakkai's face. He figured that Hakkai would be laughing submissively, as that was his character. But when he saw his friends just stared quietly at the cards on the table, Gojyo was surprised.

"Hey, don't you believe that you can lose over me?" Gojyo asked his friend upsetly.

Hakkai didn't answer. He was still staring at the cards on the table. His hair fell over his face, shadowing his eyes out of Gojyo's sight.

Frowning, Gojyo leant his face over his friend's. "Hey, come on, now. I didn't cheat. Is it so hard for you to believe that I can win over you at cards?"

Hakkai jerked back, surprised to see Gojyo's face so close to his. He blinked stupidly, trying to understand the situation at hand, then stared at the cards laid on the table.

"Who won?" he asked.

Hands on his hips, Gojyo stood looming over Hakkai.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU MEAN 'WHO WON'?!! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MY VICTORIOUS MOCKERY AT YOUR LOSS?!"

Hak Ryu screeched in surprise to hear Gojyo's loud yell, it glared angrily at the man before it flew to the corner of the room, away from the annoying loud man.

Motioning Gojyo to sit down again, Hakkai laughed nervously. "Well, congratulations, Gojyo. I believe this is the first time I lost to anyone at cards."

"Hmph…, that's right! You should congratulate me! Haha! C'mon, let's play again!"

Five minutes later, Gojyo threw his cards on the table with a sulk on his face.

"Damn it! I should've quit while I'm winning! My cards are pathetic!" he yelled angrily.

Gojyo stared at his cards and slumped his face on the table. A two pair. The lowest set of cards he managed to get, even though he had tried his best. Apparently, his earlier victory was only out of sheer luck! He really couldn't beat Hakkai's expertise at cards. If words went out, this could ruin his reputation as a famous gambler.

"Oy, I'm beat and battered like a cheap little whore who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with a rock in his fist…." 

Gojyo waited for his friend to react, to calmly smile and comfort him. Yet, he didn't hear anything. He raised his head only to find Hakkai's surly face.

"Hey, Hakkai, what's wrong?"

Silence.

Gojyo leant his body forward, touching Hakkai's hand with his own. "Hey, Hakkai, is everything all right?"

Listlessly, Hakkai dragged his eyes to meet Gojyo's questioning ones. "Yes…."

"Are you sure? You don't look so good."

"I'm..fine…."

"So what are your cards?"

Hakkai blinked twice before he laid down his cards on the table. Gojyo looked down, following the movement of Hakkai's hands. He stared at the opened cards for a long time. He stared at Hakkai's face and then back at the cards. A frown began to form on his brows.

He couldn't believe his eyes.

There was not a single pair in Hakkai's cards. Hell, there were only random numbers with random symbols in them. If he hadn't known Hakkai well, he would think Hakkai didn't know anything about playing cards. But he did know how good Hakkai were, thus he couldn't believe his eyes.

Angrily, he hit his hand on the table. He was staring at Hakkai with confused worry. Hakkai jerked back, surprised to see his friend sudden burst of emotion.

"All right, what the hell is it?" Gojyo spurted. "There's gotta be something wrong with you. I know you, Hakkai, I know you won't lose over a two pair! So either you tell me what's going on or I should squeeze it out of you with my Shakujou!"

Hakkai hid behind a friendly smile and a stroking hand over Gojyo's arm. "Now, Gojyo, there's no need for you to be so worked up on me. I'm really fine. I'm just.."

Gojyo leant his face right across Hakkai's. "Don't give me that shit."

Gojyo's eyes pierced through him sharper than a knife would. The heart inside Hakkai's chest shuddered with guilt. Oh, how he wanted to turn to his friend and tell him all that had been bothering him. But he couldn't. Especially after what he did, or almost did, last night. Even if it was Gojyo, he wasn't sure how the man would react when he learned that Hakkai had almost killed a travelling companion. No, not just a travelling companion, Goku was more than that. He was a friend, a very dear friend. He couldn't tell it to Gojyo. He just couldn't, for he was afraid Gojyo would hate him now. 

He couldn't tell him about Kanan too….. For he knew Gojyo would call him an idiot to ever let himself be drown again in the past. Gojyo would never understand. No matter how good a friend he was, with a past he claimed similar to Hakkai's, he would never understand. It was not really the same, Gojyo and him….

At least, he had to take some time to sort things out first, because everything seemed like cramming his head right now. So he would have to lie again to Gojyo. And lying to the guy whom he had been living together for years was not easy. Hakkai braced himself, secretly took a deep breath and forced a "natural" smile to break on his lips.

"I'm sorry. I'm not fine, perhaps. I'm too exhausted for the last a couple of days, with the fight and stuffs, plus I have to extort my power to heal Sanzo several times. I'm just beat."

Gojyo stared at him for a long while. At first, Hakkai thought the man didn't hear him. But at last, Gojyo straightened his back, with his flaming eyes still locked on Hakkai. Those flaming eyes were burning bright, as if they wanted to scorch his smiling mask and break a way through the real him inside. Hakkai forced his face to act natural the whole time, which was really hard. He didn't know if he succeeded or not. In the end, Gojyo let him go.

But Gojyo wasn't happy about it.

"If you're too exhausted, why didn't you just rest? Why bother asking me to play a game of cards in which you can't play after all. What a waste of time…."

Gojyo had suddenly grew more upset, frustrated. He still felt there was something wrong with his friend, but Hakkai's smile looked genuine. Uncertain, and very much upset for a reason he couldn't quite tell why, he left Hakkai alone with the scattered cards.

"I'm going to town. At least I won't be bored there. You get some rest. I won't ever play cards with you again, if you won't play me seriously."

With that, Gojyo slammed the door closed behind him and left.

Hakkai sighed and closed his eyes. _Gojyo was angry_, he thought, _it was my fault. But at least he believed what I told him._

Staring emptily at the scattered cards, Hakkai let himself slid into his sickening emotional hell. He didn't even notice that Hak Ryu had flown and perched on the table, eyeing him with such a worried look on its little face.

Gojyo stomped his way through the hallway. He dug his hands into his pants' pockets, made a major frown with his brows and strode away with elaborately heavy steps. He was angry. Angry that Hakkai seemed to hide something from him. Angry that his suspicion could only be a suspicion and the fact that he was angry because of some stupid prejudice made him more upset. Angry because his victories over Hakkai didn't mean anything because his friend wasn't really playing the cards with him. Angry because he didn't know what else to do with his friend's troubled mind.

Or perhaps, he was just angry because of the heat. The windless, damp, hot night.

On the way to the stair that led to the inn's tavern, he passed Sanzo's door. Son Goku was still there, sitting with his back on the wall, looking all lonely and morose. He felt too upset to stop for a chitchat, therefor he kept walking past the boy.

Goku raised his sleepy head up, blinking at Gojyo in wonders. 

"Has the game of cards finished? That was fast. Have you got beaten again by Hakkai?" Goku started a conversation.

Without stopping, Gojyo glanced at Goku. Being reminded of the game of cards, he grew even more upset, if that was possible. He kicked the wall next to Goku's head and continued his stomping to the stairs. 

Surprised at first, furious afterwards, Goku leaped up to a fighting stance.

"Hey, what the hell was that for?! I was being nice to you and that was what I get?!"

"Keep an eye on Hakkai. I'm trusting you. He doesn't talk to me anymore."

Without any more words, the man disappeared down the stairs, leaving Goku stranded alone in puzzled fury. Frustrated, Goku scratched his messy hair, making it looked messier than before.

"Damn it! What the hell's wrong with everybody today…," he grumbled upsetly.

Morosely, he stared at Sanzo's door. He wanted to go in, to stay by Sanzo's side again tonight. But remembering what Sanzo said to him before, it was probably not a good idea. His stubborn head thought it was not the real Sanzo who said those cruel words. However cold Sanzo was, he knew the monk wouldn't have the heart to actually mean the awful things he said. Hell, Sanzo had been saying that he would definitely kill Goku the next time Goku said "I'm hungry", but look at him now. Goku was always saying that he was hungry and he was pretty much alive.

So, perhaps,…no, obviously, what Sanzo just said before was also another empty threat. Sanzo would never really want Goku to leave him alone. To shut up, perhaps, but not to leave him for good.

Satisfied with his subjective conclusion, Goku decided to take a rest. No, he was not really that tired. He was more hungry than tired. Perhaps he should go to Hakkai for some food. And see what Gojyo's words meant. 

Hakkai was rearranging the scattered cards on the table when Goku slammed open his door and loudly declared…..

"Hakkai, I'M HUNGRY!!" 

Hakkai almost dropped the stack of cards he held in his hands. Perfect. He had planned to avoid the boy for the whole night tonight, but the boy had found him instead. In his room. Alone. Just the two of them.

Shaking his head, Hakkai fought to cast away the fear inside him. It was not the fear of the boy, but the fear of how he might lost his control again.

"But you've eaten already this afternoon, Goku," he forced a smile, something he had grown used to do.

Goku grinned and scratched the back of his head. "Well, ya know me, Hakkai! I'm always hungry! Hehehehehe…."

"You can always go to the kitchen and ask them to make you something."

Goku winced. "Hmm…. Yes, I can do that. But their food doesn't really taste good. I was wondering if you could cook me something. I know you bring the cooking stuffs with you in your backpack. I'd rather eat something you made, Hakkai. It always tastes amazing!"

It was not a good idea. He didn't want to be in the same room with the boy, let alone cook him anything. He didn't really want to have anything to do with the boy at all, at least for tonight. Every time he saw Goku, he was always reminded of the boy's obvious display of affection towards Sanzo. And every time he remembered that, he was always reminded of his own unbearable yearning for Kanan. Of how lonesome he was all this time, without the touch of affection or compassion.

Goku was staring at him with those big, brown eyes. The word innocence slipped into Hakkai's mind right at that time. Damn it… How could one turn down a pair of eyes that looked like that?….

"All right, Goku. What do you want to eat?" Hakkai tried to hide the lump in his throat.

"Anything you want! I'll eat anything you cook!" answered the boy cheerfully.

Listlessly, Hakkai pried into his backpack, looking for the cooking utensils he always used to cook the gang a meal every time they had to spend a night outdoors, when the nearest city was still miles away. He produced a small cooking stove, a pot and some ingredients he kept for emergency uses. 

While Hakkai was preparing his meal, Goku plopped himself onto the bed and play with Hak Ryu, who liked the fun Goku better than the loud-mouthed Gojyo. They tossed and rolled on Hakkai's bed together. Goku was laughing so cheerfully all the while.

Hakkai tried to concentrate on the task at hand, which was slicing scallion for the soup he was making. Goku's boyish laugh had been bothering him. It was such a carefree laugh, innocent and loving. So light and open. As if nothing mattered to the boy, as if nothing ever concerned him. That was probably what Hakkai hated about Goku. He was actually jealous.

Gods…

That was right. He was jealous of Goku. Of his easy-going, free-minded behaviour. Of his innocence and ignorance to problems in life. Of his ability to show affection and compassion to people he loved, and to receive the same affection to himself. 

But most of all….. Most of all, he hated Goku because the boy reminded him so much of his happy life with Kanan.

Hakkai stood up abruptly. The knives, the ingredients and the plates he was holding fell clattering on the floor. He bent down his head. His fist was shaking with anger, blinded anger that consumed his heart in the worst way.

Hak Ryu flew to the corner of the room in shock and fright. The little dragon sensed something wrong with its master. Something awakened. It frightened it very much.

Goku froze on the bed, staring at Hakkai's back in confusion. He couldn't see Hakkai's face but he did notice Hakkai's shaking fists. The boy leaped off the bed in sudden wariness. 

"What's wrong, Hakkai?" he asked.

"Get out."

Goku was started. Hakkai's voice was calm, not at all loud. But what the man actually said was what surprised Goku very much. Did he just tell him to get out? This was very strange. Very unlike Hakkai. 

Goku remembered what Gojyo said in the hallway. _Keep an eye on Hakkai_. He didn't know what that meant before. Perhaps this was what Gojyo warned him about. 

Worriedly, Goku leaped off the bed and approached the man.

"Hakkai, are you all right?"

"Get out of my room. Now."

Instead of obeying the strange order, Goku, being his stubborn and curious self, took a few steps closer to Hakkai. He was now standing in front of the man, facing Hakkai's rigid stance. He tilted his face as to see into Hakkai's face.

"Hakkai, what's wrong? Are you ill or something?" he blinked his eyes curiously.

Hakkai could feel his breath grew harsher. _Damn it, this boy….. Why did he have to come closer? Why couldn't he just leave the room? If he had known what I had almost done last night, he wouldn't be staring at me so innocently as he was now…._

Ignorant to Hakkai's inner feelings, Goku reached a hand to touch Hakkai's forehead, to check for temperature. The result was alarming on Hakkai. As if a lightning struck his body in million electric jolts. As if a burning, hot metal just touched his skin. 

Instinctively, he slapped the hand away in a powerful force.

Thunder struck outside the window, turning the world into a surrealistic realm of contrasting darkness and light.

Goku gasped in shock. Never did he think that Hakkai's reaction to his act would be that harsh. He stared with wide eyes at the man, puzzlement and confusion filled those eyes.

To Hakkai, those eyes were filled with fear and horror.

The storm broke with a loud rumble of thunders outside. Soon, water drops as big as pebbles started to slap on the windowpane. The stiflingly hot air turned into a stiflingly cold air. It was the kind of cold air that made you sweat, instead of shiver. Cold, sickening wind blew hard into the room, extinguishing the little flames burnt over the candles in the chandelier hung from the ceiling.

The room had turned so dark, so black, only the occasional streak of lightning lightened the room.

Hakkai hugged his own body, trying to calm the shuddering it went through. He could feel his sanity slipping away. The void in his head had now filled with hatred. Regret. Loneliness. Sorrow. Frustration. Hunger. Jealousy. 

Madness.

He heard heavy heavings of breath, loud but blurry in the dark room. Those eyes, those big, brown eyes were staring at him in cold fear. As if the boy was seeing a monster transformed before his eyes. Which was probably the truth. Literally.

_Am I still you perfect man, boy? Do you still think I'm perfect? How easy for you to say it. You won't understand. Your stupid, innocent, ignorant I'm-so-happy-so-I-think-the-rest-of-the-world-is-too mind won't ever understand._

I'll make you see what I see. I'll make you feel what I feel.

Hakkai grabbed Goku's wrist with a speed faster than lightning. Goku didn't even notice what was going on. Then, forcefully, Hakkai pulled the confused boy on to the bed, throwing him like a bag of sand to the bed. Goku yelped, more in surprise than in pain.

"Hakkai, what are you…."

Hakkai muffled the boy by pushing him on the bed. Before Goku had the time to react, Hakkai ripped the boy's pants off his legs. Screaming, Goku struggled to free himself, kicking and punching. But Hakkai's hands pinned his own down to the bed with incredible force, he couldn't even budge an inch.

_I'll make you see what I see…._

Hakkai forced the boy's naked legs to open. He pinned the kicking legs with his body weight, to prevent them from hurting him.

"Hakkai….. why are you doing this….?" Goku screamed between his useless struggles and resistances.

_….see what I'm seeing every time I see the rain…._

….Kanan's blood flowing like a stream down her body into the darkness called death….

Using one of his knee to pin Goku's legs to the bed, Hakkai managed to opened his zipper. He peeled his pants down to his knee. Seeing this, Goku's eyes widen in terror. The boy had just realized what Hakkai was going to do. He fought with more force, but still his fighting was to no avail. Hakkai had become stronger, way too strong for him to resist.

"I'll make you feel what I feel….," Hakkai whispered hoarsely, with a voice that was not like Hakkai's at all.

Goku didn't have any warnings. Hakkai rammed himself into him in sheer force. Throwing his head backwards, Goku could see stars in his eyes. His throat hurt from screaming so loud. Hakkai muffled his screaming with his hand.

It hurt. It really hurt. Goku winced and felt his throat would burst with painful chokes. Hakkai pulled himself away, only to rammed again into Goku in deep, painful thrusts. Sobbing with pain, Goku was almost limp. The pain was unbearable. He lost his breath, he lost his sight. What he could feel was the throbbing pain in the lower part of his body.

"Hak…kai….. stop….."

Hakkai rammed once more, and more, and more. He was insanely enjoying how Goku plead and begged him to stop. _Feel that, boy. That's nothing compared to the pain you've brought me. Feel that and remember that for the rest of your life…_

"Hakkai…Hak….Arhg….it hurts….. it hurts……."

Hakkai released his pin on Goku's hands. It was not like Goku could do anything to fight him. The boy almost passed out from the pain only. Goku scratched and clawed Hakkai's shirt more to compensate the pain than to struggle. Tears melt down his face for the pain he suffered badly.

Hakkai thrust deeper and grunted in pleasure. Gods…. How long had he been longing for this? To touch someone else again…. To feel himself being inside someone else… It felt too much…

He opened his hazy eyes. The sight of the boy crying and begging underneath him turned him on even more. _The boy has finally seen…. The boy has finally felt…. What it is like to always be tortured with pain, he will remember this…. No more will he call me a perfect man…. No more will he display his stupid, innocent affection…. He will see how the world actually is… Nothing is simple…. Nothing is perfect…. What there is only pain… Remember that…._

From that point on, the feral, beastly desire took over Hakkai's entire being. Consumed not only with rage and hatred, Hakkai had begun to let lust to control him. He thrust, he rammed, he dived his arousal deeper and deeper into the boy's tight body. Hot as the pleasure begun to build inside him, hot as he felt he almost burst. When the peak arrived, he rode it with such rough force, he made Goku passed out from the pain.

Exhausted and spent, Hakkai fell to the bed, as though the climax had not only deprived him of his seed, but also his life source and power. 

Hak Ryu froze at the corner of the room, turning its face away as if to hide the fact that it was a witness to the whole unspeakable crime.

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***TBC***

yoong's A/N: Uh oh, it's a bit too harsh, ne? laugh nervously ^^;; Well, I won't make any excuses since the viloence in this part is actually originated from my evil brain. I just hope you can tolerate reading this fic further, finding Hakkai's reason for his vicious act and its result. Actually, my heart's broken when Goku cried. He's really my No.1 character, and look at what I had done to himo_O;; Oh, Goku I promise you'll have a happy ending in this fic!

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Sumeragi Sakura's Little Rambling: I really hope you read the warning before you read this chapter. If you didn't, …ouch, sorry. I know that some of you, if not all of you, will probably…frown upon the rape scene. You'd probably think, damn it, it's Hakkai we're talking about here. The world would come to an end first before Hakkai'd do something like that. Well, Yoong and I have been brewing and stirring and brewing again, this idea before we wrote it. That's the whole point of this fic, I guess. We just want to show you that yes, even Hakkai is human and by that means he's imperfect. If you think the scene, no, the whole fic is believable, thank you. You will see both of us prancing with joy before our computers. But if you don't, ….well, tough. We already wrote this fic down and uploaded it online and have you read it up to this point. *sweatdrops* But of course, I'd be happy to talk about it (Yoong might too… you should look up her address in her bio page and ask her. ^__^). Discussing whether some hot guys should or should not have sexual intercourse is always one of my favorite topics. 

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	6. Sin

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Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..

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Warning: Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted **angsty** plot and **sexual abuse content**. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.

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Heal the Healer

A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki

Plotter: Yoong

Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com 

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Part VI: Sin

The next morning, Sanzo woke up feeling very much peaceful at heart. The morning light had seeped through the cheap cotton curtain --property of the inn-- hanging at the window. The light, warm and soothing, stroked his sleeping face with such comfort he couldn't remember any traces of his irrational anger last night. He opened his eyes and slipped out of his drugged sleep.

The morning air felt incredibly fresh and cool after the damp, hot night last night. He could barely feel any pain from his wound, he almost believe that it was probably had completely healed.

Groaning in contentment, he rolled his body comfortably to the side, facing the entire room. Aah… he felt really good today. Perhaps he should sleep a little more…

He suddenly noticed a mount of spiky, brown hair by his bed. He leant more to the side of his bed, to see Goku sitting on the floor by his bedside. He sat hugging his knees in his arms with his face bent down. Sanzo couldn't see much of that face from where he was leaning from, but he did notice a trace of misery on it.

That was not a sight Sanzo wanted to look at in such a fine morning. Well, to tell the truth, that was not a sight Sanzo wanted to look at anytime. It always irked him so to see the usual hyperactive Goku to look so crestfallen, however often and loud he threatened Goku to shut up or to be calm. Discreetly, not wanting to alert the boy, Sanzo reached for his holy fan that was lain on the bedside table. He took a stance, raising the fan high in the air, before plunging it right to Goku's spiky head.

"What are you doing sitting there like a lost puppy?! The kitchen stopped serving breakfasts anymore?!" shouted Sanzo, though sounded irritated, he was actually feeling in a good mood.

Goku yelped, crouching on the floor while holding his bumping head. He turned to shot Sanzo a wounded look.

"It hurts, Sanzo…. It really hurts……"

The boy went silent for a while, which surprised Sanzo. He thought the boy would respond usually, with a loud whining or an angry shout. But right now, Goku didn't seem like…..

Sanzo's eyes widened in shock.

Tears were streaming in thick drops down to Goku's cheeks. The boy seemed like he was fighting hard a sob from being choked out of his mouth. Sanzo stood up abruptly, staring at Goku in disbelief.

"O….oi…, Goku…. I don't think I hit you THAT hard….," said the confused monk.

Goku shook his head, a soft sob escaped his throat. He looked down to the floor, while his shoulder trembled with his occasional ragged sobs. Sanzo was even more surprised. Something had definitely gone wrong. Of all the things he considered as Goku's annoying traits, being a crybaby was not one of it. In fact, it was not very often that he saw Goku cried.

Something had definitely gone wrong.

"Oi.. Goku… What's wrong?"

Hearing Sanzo's worried voice, Goku couldn't help but to explode. He began to cry uncontrollably, letting out loud chokes and sobs, much to Sanzo's fear. The boy couldn't stand it anymore. He jumped on Sanzo's bed and into Sanzo's arms. He hid his face on Sanzo's chest. His fingers dug and clawed into Sanzo's naked shoulder. Wincing from the pain the boy caused him, Sanzo awkwardly returned the hug.

He stroked --still awkwardly-- Goku's hair. He patted Goku's trembling shoulder gently. Damn it… He was not very good in comforting distressed people! He had never had anyone to come to him for comfort before, so he considered it was understandable if he was now at lost at what to do.

"Goku…., what's going on?" he asked the boy softly.

Goku just shook his head and continued to cry.

Submitting to his protective instinct, Sanzo let himself hug the boy tightly in his arms.

Damn it! What the hell had happened?!

  


+ + + + +

Sanzo was not the only who woke up in tranquil comfort that morning. Hakkai's eyes opened slightly, while his mind hadn't even registered his surrounding yet. Floating between reality and unconsciousness, he felt as he was drowned in a pool of warm fuzziness. So warm and nice. It felt liquid. His whole body felt as naked as an infant inside a womb, because the warmth sheathed his entire figure like a second skin.

It had been so long. So long, since the last time he felt this way.

This was the state of pure contentment. Joyous relief. He felt like he could stay in this soothing warmth for as long as he could. It also felt like a dejavu, though. He had felt this kind of comfort before. When was the last time he felt like this?

In the morning after he spend his last night with Kanan.

When recollection hit him, it was like a ship hitting an iceberg.

Shocking and fast and uncontrollable.

He remembered. In regret. In pain. And most of all, in fear.

He bolted, sitting straight upright. What had he done? What had he done? Could his mind possibly trick him into remembering things he didn't do? He couldn't have done that! He couldn't….

Goku……..

By Buddha….

What had he done?

He turned to the side, finding his bed was devoid of any other occupants, besides Hak Ryu who cooed at him meekly. Yet, traces of his crime confirmed his fear of what had occurred last night. Smudges of blood stained the white bedsheet like a speck of dirt in the middle of snow. In cold disbelief, Hakkai ran his fingers over the stain.

He felt sick. A boiling nausea rose from the pit of his stomach up into his mouth. He tried to swallow it down, but realized he couldn't. He ran to the privy and spilled his purge out of his system.

He couldn't believe this. How did he let his sanity slip away and be eaten with madness? By the green-eyed monster. His demon inside. He felt sick again.

And the fact that he woke up feeling in soothing, warm comfort….

Oh, Buddha……….

He leant on the privy, trying to catch the breath that kept slipping out of his mouth. His whole world swirled, turning him as a spineless slug, worthless, irredeemable. 

Goku….

How was he now? How did he feel when he….

Oh, Gods….

He had to find the boy now.

Right now or else he would turn insane with guilt.

Hakkai slammed open the door to Goku's room, expecting to find the poor boy in there. His eyes wildly scanned the room. One brief look was enough to tell him that Goku was not there. He hadn't been there at all last night. The neatly kept bed gave away the fact that Goku hadn't been using it for the whole night.

Hissing with frustration, he decided to go to the only possible place left.

Sanzo was baffled. The boy in his arms was still sobbing, shoulder shaking and all, even though the sobs had missed their violent, uncontrollable traits. The boy was calmer now, yet tears were still streaming down his flushed cheeks. He hated this, really. He felt incredible pain, mental pain, seeing the boy he always thought as a trammel, was now very much troubled. He never thought he would care so much. 

His left hand was wrung over the boy's narrow back, clinging him closer. His other hand was awkwardly stroking the boy's scruffy hair. A choked sob softly heard from beneath the hair. He couldn't take it anymore. He gave in to his instinct.

He raised Goku's face with his hand. The boy's watery brown eyes stared at him, the brows knitted in a painful sorrow. Feeling dazed, Sanzo bent his face down and dropped a soft kiss on Goku's forehead. 

Then another one on the bridge of his nose, and one on each cheeks. Goku's sobbing had died out thoroughly, replaced by a dazed calmness. Holding Goku's face between the cup of both of his hands, Sanzo leant his forehead on the boy's.

"I don't know what else to do," the monk grunted softly.

Goku blinked a tearful, and broke a feeble smile on his lips.

"That's enough," his whisper was hoarse.

Nothing else needed to be said. Goku understood. That was best way Sanzo would ever do to comfort him and it was more than enough. It was what laid behind the gesture that mattered more to Goku than the gesture itself. They had shared an unspoken bond, so deep and intimate they had passed the need for words to bridge their thoughts. A bond treasured without any covenants, born and grew inadvertently between them. 

It was not a master-slave relationship. It was more than friendship. It was more than brotherhood. It was probably love, but even more. Even more. It was their own kind of bond. 

A part of Sanzo's pained worry disappeared after he saw Goku's smile, however feeble it was. In a few minutes, the boy would declare he was hungry, as usual, Sanzo expected. But he still couldn't put the matter aside. The reason why Goku broke down and cry.

A small noise was made from the direction of the door. Sanzo looked up, surprised to see the door to his room was already opened, with Hakkai standing at the threshold.

He was even more surprised to see the expression on Hakkai's face. 

It was not shock, for Hakkai wouldn't be so shocked to find Goku in Sanzo's arms. Could it be that he was surprised to see the boy was crying? Sanzo frowned. No, it was something else. It was not only surprise. It smelled like terror. A guilty nervousness.

Goku raised his head. He followed Sanzo's gaze and met Hakkai's from across the room. The smile Sanzo had managed to evoke died out of his face straightaway. Goku glared at Hakkai behind a disturbed frown.

Hakkai's expression grew dimmer and paler. 

Sanzo noticed this in silence.

Hakkai staggered backwards, as if he was losing his strength. Sanzo thought the man would fall down, but he leant his shoulder weakly against the door's threshold. His face was as white as a corpse, if not transparent. The expression on his face, which Sanzo still couldn't define, had grown worst.

The two stared at each other with strange emotions flashed across their eyes. Sanzo frowned, feeling very much at loss, and disturbed, with the whole situation. The tension hung thick in the air, as if it would congeal into something solid and drop to the floor between them.

Something had gone wrong. Something had definitely gone wrong, and it involved the two of them. Was it the reason why Goku ran to him and cry? Would it be wise to ask them, or should he be himself and stay out of other people's business instead?

He decided he couldn't see Goku's tears anymore. He opened his mouth to speak, before Gojyo appeared at the door, shouting his loud good-morning.

The oblivious Gojyo draped his arm around Hakkai's shoulder and cheerfully greeted everybody.

"Oosu! (Read: Osh! ß an abbreviation of Ohayou Gozaimasu, usually said by men) Everybody wakes up early today! This is a rare occasion. I guess the crisp, shiny weather has a hand in that, eh? Oh, even you look so much healthier, Sanzo! The wound doesn't hurt anymore? Hey, what do you say if we go downstairs and taste that delicious meal the waitress had boasted to me last night?"

Hakkai bent his face down. Goku did the same. All of this hadn't been missed by Sanzo's observing eyes. 

The only one who was missing everything was the once again lark-happy Gojyo.

"Hey, come on! Are you guys still sleepy? I'm starving here! Hey, Goku, didn't you hear me? I'm talking about food here! The prospect of eating a super-delicious food! Aren't you excited? Come on, Guys!"

Even though the weather had grown friendlier today, the tension of last night's conflict didn't fade all too soon, Gojyo assumed. The supposedly blithe breakfast didn't go as cheerful as he thought it would. His simple logic didn't apply, after all, which was whenever the sky shines, the heart sings. 

He snorted.

Who the hell made that stupid proverb anyway?

Upset, he eyed his silent companions who sat around the dining table. Their quiet self-withdrawal was in high contrast with the background of the busy inn's tavern. He wondered if his friends were all still in bad temper because of yesterday's unbelievably killer weather.

Huh, he would never let something as trivial as the weather to ruin his whole day. A lousy sex might do, but not the weather, by Buddha.

A waitress dropped by to their table to deliver a basketful of breakfast buns. The warm, tempting-looking buns were shining golden, a sign of their freshness. Gojyo raised his brows, eyes widen with hunger. He was practically drooling over the sweet-smelling buns.

It was Goku's breakfast. But he decided to try his luck, despite of knowing the danger of taking away Son Goku's food. He quickly took one and threw it into his mouth with a loud "Hups!"

"Hmmmm……. Wan Chai was right. The cook here makes the most delicious bun! Hmmm…. I can feel the soft bread melted in my mouth. Gods… my mouth is already watering for more, even though I haven't swallowed this one yet!" said Gojyo almost incoherently because his mouth was filled with Goku's breakfast.

Gojyo took a glance at Goku. He deliberately said that out loud purely to spite the greedy monkey, even though the bun was actually mouth-watering. But he didn't get the reaction he expected from the monkey.

Confused, if not upset, he raised one brow.

"Oi, Goku. You're not mad with me for stealing your food? I said, FOOD, Goku… TASTY FOOD. I stole it from you."

Listlessly, Goku stared at his basket of bun. Gojyo thought the boy would burst with fury the next second. But it seemed like today Gojyo wouldn't be getting the usual reactions from Goku. The boy pushed away his breakfast and stated something incredibly shocking.

"I'm not hungry."

If it were possible, Gojyo's jaw would've hit the floor.

In utter surprise, he stood up and pointed at the boy. He turned to look at the other guys and screamed in disbelief.

"Did you hear that? Did you all hear that? He said he's not hungry?! How can that be?! This is not Goku! Hakkai, Sanzo, what should we do?!"

However, he didn't get his expected reactions from the other guys too. Hakkai was busy stirring his cup of tea with his head bent down. In fact, he had been doing that since half an hour ago. While Sanzo grumpily read the morning paper, even more dead-silent than he usually was.

Sanzo was actually the most observant of the gang. He had been watching the peculiar tension shared between Hakkai and Goku, looking for some signs that would tell him of the situation. Something wrong had definitely happened between the two, but what exactly he didn't know. He didn't even know if the thing involved both of them. It was possible that one of them found out something about the other one, something really bad that probably resulted in their ignorance to each other.

He wanted to know what happened but never thought of reducing himself to inquiring about other people's business. He who think highly of personal privacy wouldn't be found poking at other people's junk.

Yet…

It bothered him so.

From behind the newspaper, he watched the noisy Gojyo stating his disbelief, if not disappointment, as loudly as if he tried to tell the whole tavern patrons about it. Hakkai looked forlorn, while Goku looked…… How Goku looked perplexed him. The boy was not sulking, not also angry. He looked almost like in fright. 

Sanzo decided he should observe some more, at least for the sake of his peace of mind.

Five days passed with a strange, rigid silence shared between the four of them. Like the silence before the storm, it was the kind of silence that was unnerving. Even the usually oblivious Gojyo sensed something was going wrong. But unlike the taciturn Sanzo, he expressed his confusion in a rather loud frustration. 

His frustration was understandable, though. In the last five days, Goku had turned into someone who was not Goku at all. The commonly riotous, over-lively monkey boy seemed as if he had dropped his vivacity somewhere in the inn and couldn't find it back. He hadn't returned Gojyo's deliberate teasings, no matter how much the man poked at him. He hadn't even seemed to know that Gojyo was teasing him.

But what was even scarier, he had stopped eating much.

This frightened Gojyo and worried even Sanzo. 

Hakkai was also not of himself lately. The already usually quiet man had been more reserved lately. He barely talked to anyone else these days. He would answer people's questions, after a whole long minute of being distracted. But he didn't say other things much. 

He would always say he was all right when he was asked, of course.

As his wound constantly healed, Sanzo gradually regained his strength. He didn't need to wear thick wrappings of bandage anymore. But the group decided to wait for another fortnight before they would leave for their journey, just to be safe.

And what was defined as "the group", was actually Gojyo and Sanzo. Goku just shrugged his agreement, while Hakkai nodded his quietly.

This, in turn, frustrated Gojyo more and more. He lost both his sparring partner in quarreling and his best friend in the same time. He tried to reason the whole strange situation, yet he continuously bumped into dead-ends. He hated this, much to his surprise. He would rather have the old Goku, who would fight him back over something as trifling as breakfast's menu, or the over-tolerating Hakkai, his old friend, over this. He knew something happened, something awful, but he couldn't understand why. Hakkai, being even more reserved and shut himself from other people, hurt him the most. He felt abandoned, distrusted. He felt useless as a friend and ignored. 

Gojyo asked about their new situation to Sanzo once, only to receive a grumpy grunt as the answer. He figured, Sanzo was as lost as he was about this matter. The monk told him to wait for the matter to surface by itself, but he didn't think he couldn't do that.

Still…

Still, everytime he tried to shake the answer out of Hakkai, his best friend would only smiled meekly and said that everything was fine.

Everything was fine my ass, scowled Gojyo. 

Fine. If Hakkai was playing the all secretive, than he'd probably better stop concerning about him. Gojyo found an escape out of the frustration by drowning himself in liquor and women.

They didn't help much, though.

Still, they were better companions than his friends right now. He would be gone for days to the local bars and brothels without returning to the inn. No one seemed to care about it and thus he was hurt more.

The fifth night after the incident, Goku found himself standing by the window of the inn's hallway, looking out to the midnight sky. Moonlight showered upon his figure in silvery rain of rays. Basking in the glitter, his face looked as serene as the moon above.

He laid his hands across the window's threshold in a listless pose. He dropped his eyes onto his hands, lost in his thoughts.

Five days. Five days had gone after the frightening incident, he thought. The pain in his body had faded, even though the pain in his heart stayed still. It was not the forceful act of it that hurt him more. Instead, it was the matter of who had done it to him. He still couldn't believe that Hakkai, his friend Hakkai, would ever do such a thing to him. Five days had passed and he still couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. Yet, the pain inside and the humiliation he suffered proved him that it was true. Not a nightmare. True.

He didn't believe that Hakkai was such a man. Ever. The kind of man blinded by desire and roughness. Gojyo, he wouldn't be surprised. But not Hakkai. Definitely not Hakkai.

He hated the man now. He never thought he could feel that way to Hakkai but he did now. The recollection of the pain and roughness from the incident had scorched a wound in his heart deeper than the one in his body.

And he had to suffer it by himself. He couldn't tell Sanzo. He was too humiliated to tell Sanzo. He didn't want Sanzo to think of him as weak and used and thus would abandon him. He shivered in terror at the very thought. He couldn't tell Gojyo either, for Gojyo was Hakkai's best friend and God knows what he would say about the matter. It was possible that the man would stand up for his friend, and after all the time they had spent in fighting and swearing to each other, Goku was sure he was not one of Gojyo's favorite friends.

He didn't know what to do. All of his hatred, fear and frustration had welled up inside him, aching for relieve without anywhere to relieve it to. For the first time in his hundreds of year time of life, Goku felt as depressed as he felt right now. Not even during his long imprisonment in his rocky jail in the mountain did he feel this way.

"Does it work?"

Startled, Goku jerked out of his thoughts. He suddenly found Sanzo standing right next to him by the window. He eyed the monk with reflect-evoked fear at the first ten seconds, before he blinked and returned to his new gloomy self.

"I don't like that," said the monk in a short snap, angry.

Goku blinked. "What?"

"The fear in your eyes. I don't like it. Since when do you see me with such fear in your eyes?"

Goku looked away. "It's not fear."

"I don't like liars too."

Goku didn't answer for Sanzo was true. He was obviously lying. He didn't like it, his instinct made him do it.

"What does your first question mean?" he asked, trying to divert the conversation.

"You look like you have something tremendous you hold inside. You're standing here as if you want to tell it to the moon. So, does standing here bathing under the moonlight work?"

Silence. "Not really."

Sanzo glanced sideways to the boy. He decided to gamble and forced himself to do it.

"Try me."

Goku's eyes widened with surprise. It was very much unlike Sanzo to say those words. Such simple words. Yet it filled his heart with swelling warmth that felt too good it actually hurt. Was Sanzo worrying over him? Him? The good for nothing monkey who had brought so many miseries into the monk's life? 

For once he was offered the opportunity he had long desired and for that one time he couldn't fulfil it himself.

"I.. can't…."

"Why?"

"I just can't."

"Since when are you hiding things from me?"

Goku swallowed hard. He wanted to say "Since never", but couldn't bring himself to do it. The lump in his throat hurt so much when he wanted to speak, thus he chose silence. Moreover, he was afraid he couldn't help but ask for self-pity from the man he had considered his master. 

Sanzo gritted his teeth, discreetly. He felt like a commander betrayed by his soldier. The words "disloyal" and "dishonest" were rioting in his head. The group had been breaking up in the last few days. As the head of the gang, he felt responsible to keep it from being torn up by this stupid problem, whatever it was.

As the master of Goku, he felt he deserved the explanation.

He looked down sideways at the spiky brown head next to his arm. He raised his head again when his eyes caught a movement from the other end of the hallway. He saw Hakkai going out of his room. The man froze when he saw Sanzo and Goku standing by the window, only a few feet away from him. His initial reaction was to open the door to his room again and disappear inside. Yet he stopped in mid-motion. Sanzo saw the revolution of resolution that he went through. The battle of will was won by the rational Hakkai.

Hakkai turned around and started to walk towards them.

Goku sensed that Sanzo was looking somewhere else. He followed the monk's glance and found the coming Hakkai.

Sanzo could feel the lithe body next to him sprung into a rigid, if not tensed, mass of nerve. As if the boy sensed a youkai nearby, which Sanzo checked right away and found none. It was truly Hakkai who made Goku tensed up. He wondered if something might happen and he would actually find out what the hell was going on between the two.

As Hakkai approached closer, Goku became warier and warier. He didn't want the man to come near him at all, unless he wanted to remember the incident that night. He didn't, by Buddha, he didn't want it replayed in his head once again. 

But Hakkai stopped a few steps away. The man stared at Goku with a strange expression on his face, that resembled worry to Goku's surprise. Then he bowed low.

Goku stared.

"I'm sorry," blurted Hakkai, rather emotionally.

Goku just stared.

"I don't deserve your apology so I won't ask for it. I just want to tell you that I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it, let alone to hurt you, but I know I did. I'm really, really sorry."

Goku frowned. "You think everything will be all right after you say you're sorry?"

"No, I.."

"You think can forget what you've done to me, the pain and the humiliation, just by saying you're sorry?"

"No…"

"Then you're wasting both of our time."

In rage, Goku turned away. He aimed for the door to his room, before he felt a hand held him by the shoulder.

"Wait, Goku, please wait. Please listen to me first. I know what I've done is unforgivable, but still, I want to do everything you want me to do to make it up for it."

Instinct ordered Goku to force his way out of the hand that gripped his shoulder. Fear came first. He jerked and leaped away from the hand, as if running away from a poisonous snake. Then anger replaced the fear, urging him to attack his assaulter. Because Hakkai didn't make any further physical contact, he balled his fists beside his body instead.

"Don't touch me!" he barked.

Pain shot through Hakkai's chest like an iron bolt hammered into his flesh. A bloodless wound that hurt much more than the bloody one. It was irrational, Hakkai realized it himself. He should have predicted this kind of attitude coming from Goku towards him. After all he had done, he even wondered why the boy hadn't tried to take a revenge of him. That would probably make him feel better. 

Still, utter rejection from Goku hurt like hell.

For a fraction of a second, Goku saw the hurt look radiated from Hakkai's eyes. Only for a fraction of a second, before Goku killed the sympathy that had begun to born in his heart.

Hakkai didn't deserve his apology for what he had done. No one did. Son Goku was not someone weak one could use for his or her advantages. Nor to humiliate. Nor to hurt. 

He felt as if he was boiling with fury. With angry steps, he stomped away from Hakkai, and Sanzo, and headed for the stairs. He crashed into Gojyo, who stepping up the stairs, and push the man off his way by his shoulder. The innocent Gojyo was thrown back to the wall, more confused than upset.

"Hey!" shouted Gojyo, staring at Goku's back then at the other two who stood in the hallway.

"What's going on?" he asked, approaching his friends.

Sanzo was staring sharply at Hakkai. "Ask that to Hakkai, Gojyo. He seems to be the cause of this whole thing."

Hakkai bent his head down, still in shock from Goku's harsh rejection. He covered his face with one of his hands. He blew a trembled sigh, thick with guilt and frustration. He was afraid to tell the others about the truth, afraid of what they would do to him after it. Or what they would think of Goku as the victim. 

Gojyo stopped only a couple of step away from him, eyes intensely watching. What would Gojyo think of him if he tell him about this? Would he hate him too? A shiver ran across Hakkai's spine as he felt he was too terrified to lose Gojyo too, now that he had lost Goku.

****

***TBC***

yoong's A/N: Uh...oh It's going darker and angstier, ne? laughing nervously ^^;; The main pairing in my mind is HakkaiXGoku, but there's still a hint of warm relationship between Sanzo-Goku and Gojyo-Hakkai. Hope you like it. Sorry for Sanzo being OOC (maybe Hakkai, too?). The more the story goes, the more OOCness he'll behave. Well, tell you all again. My parts in making this fic is only thinking the plot and uploading each part in FF.net. All sentences you've read are Sakura's effort. All credits this fic might receive are going to be hers. 

Sumeragi Sakura's Little Note: Ahh.. the morning after. The after-effect. Everything's cooling down, only to lead into another twist. Poor, poor Goku. Poor, poor Hakkai. Blame Yoong, please, for putting these men in a such difficult condition. ^__^;; Hehehe... kidding. Though I honestly don't have the heart to do this to Hakkai, 'cause he's such a gentle soul. *gets kicked by Goku's fans* The more I write about him, the more I grow my symphathy for him. Sympathy for the angel-faced devil. No, he's not really a devil, I think. He's just a man. Unlike a saint, he has flaws as a man. Then again, who doesn't? 


	7. Lost

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Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..

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Warning: Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted **angsty** plot and **sexual abuse content**. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.

****

Heal the Healer

A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki

Plotter: Yoong

Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com 

****

Part VII: Lost

Goku ran. Into the dense forest swallowed by the pitch black of the night, he ran. Each step brought him deeper and deeper to the heart of the forest. It was not that he wanted to go there. He just wanted to run away. To escape. The forest would provide the best hiding place. He knew that none of his friends would follow him, much to his boyish disappointment. He ran away not because he wanted them to call him back. He just wanted to run away. He needed to run away.

Why exactly he wanted to run away, he wasn't sure. He was angry, that he was certain about. He felt hurt and betrayed. He befriended those guys for years and now accompanying them in this long journey. He felt there was a bond that tied them all together. More than friendship. Definitely more than just as travelling companions. But what Hakkai did had insulted their bond and he made use out of it for his personal pleasure.

That was what Goku couldn't bring his heart to forgive just yet. Physical pain could be healed, but broken trust wouldn't be easily mended. Goku had every right to be angry. He had every right to deny forgiveness to the friend who had crossed the line. He had shown the man what he felt.

Yet, he wasn't happy about it.

He remembered seeing Hakkai's wounded look when Goku slapped his hand away and shouted at him. He could clearly feel the hurt of rejection and denial that tortured Hakkai. Good. That served him right. That was what Goku supposed to feel. Supposed to say. Yet, he couldn't say it. He just couldn't. Instead, he felt awful. As if the guilt had dropped on him, though it wasn't his wrong doing from the first place. 

He choked a pant out of his exhausted lungs. He stopped running and leant his arm against a huge trunk of a tree. The silent forest air was suddenly filled with his loud heavings of breath. He bowed down, leaning his other hand against one of his knees. 

Damn it!

He banged the innocent tree with his fist. Damn it! Why did he have to do that? Why must it be Hakkai? If it were Gojyo, he wouldn't be this confused. But it was Hakkai. The man he considered as the saint of all the people he knew. A very dear friend; a quiet, resolute man with wisdom and patience that was beyond his years. A perfect man. A perfect friend. He even told Hakkai himself about it.

He remembered Hakkai's slightly tensed respond to his opinion.

He waved the alien notion away from his mind by then. Was it the first signal of Hakkai's peculiarity of behavior? Was there any other? 

_I'll make you feel what I feel._

He remembered how Hakkai said those words before he…. Goku winced. The recollection was far too fresh to remember that just by thinking about it, it brought back the whole vicious assault into his mind. He didn't think he could bear it right now. Not right now.

He was now confused, disoriented with his own thoughts. He felt he had lost something yet couldn't tell what it was. He was furious, for Hakkai had returned his years of close friendship with such betrayal. Yet, Goku couldn't help to admit that he felt like hell when he saw Hakkai's wounded look when he rejected him.

But he had the right to do it, damned it! 

Goku slapped his hand over his forehead and his eyes. He was utterly at his wit's end. He was blinded with the mix of contrasting feelings that clashed inside his chest right now. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to feel. But he did know he didn't want to go back to the inn and face the man again. 

As if some twisted divinity could hear his thought just now, there were the sounds of rustling leaves heard from around him. Out of the bushes and the tree leaves, came black silhouettes that moved with the agility of light and vigilance of well-trained pradators. Goku didn't have the time to react, before the band of black figures had him surrounded.

"What the hell is going on?" asked Gojyo. "Did you have a fight?"

Gojyo approached the still-stunned Hakkai. Sanzo was still standing by the window, as still as statue of marble. His eagle-sharp eyes shot at Hakkai, his face unreadable.

"Oi, Hakkai, tell me, what's going on?" asked Gojyo again, when he was near enough to see Hakkai's blank face.

Without answering, as if he didn't hear the questions, Hakkai turned around and headed to his room. Gojyo blinked twice, startled to see his friend's cold attitude, before striding to follow Hakkai.

He pushed open the door Hakkai was closing behind him. Anger took over Gojyo right now. Anger and impatience. He had forced himself to be patient for the last few days, giving some space for Hakkai to be alone with his peculiar behavior. He didn't think he could give any more time. He was sick of feeling left out and distrusted. He wanted things to go back to the way they used to be.

"Damn it, Hakkai! If you're not going to tell me what the hell is going on, I'm going to choke the answer out of you. Literally!" 

Hakkai gasped his surprise when he found himself being grabbed by the collar by his best friend. Silently, he looked into Gojyo's eyes and found genuine anger blazing in those magenta orbs. Did he really care or was he just being curious? No, curiosity alone wouldn't anger Gojyo. 

Hakkai wondered whether Gojyo would divert the anger to him when Hakkai told him about the truth. What was more important, was Hakkai ready to lose another friend today, for that what he knew would happen if he told the truth?

He didn't think so.

Gently, Hakkai pushed Gojyo's hands away from his own collar. Smiling bitterly, he opened his mouth to assure his friend.

"No more crappy "I'm fine, don't worry" bullshit again, Hakkai!" barked Gojyo, getting angrier and angrier every minute passed. "I'm not as stupid as to believe that! I want to hear the truth. Damn it! Since when do you think you can't count on me?"

Hakkai looked away, feeling too coward to face his friend's demanding eyes. "It's not that, Gojyo…"

"What is it then?"

"I can't discuss this with you.."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm scared."

"Of what? Damn it, Hakkai, just cut the chase here.."

"Of losing you."

"What?"

"As I have lost Goku, I don't think I can bear losing you as well."

Gojyo stared at his friend. He drew a long sigh. Hakkai did open his mouth as he asked him to do, yet he still couldn't understand a thing. Hakkai's words were strange to his ears, though. Why would Hakkai thought he would lose him? As well as he has lost Goku?

Gojyo walked past Hakkai and sat on the bed, followed by Hakkai's stare. He looked up and sighed again.

"Tell me everything, Hakkai. From the very beginning."

By that, Hakkai gave in. He started to relate everything from the beginning. His soft voice gently floated in the air, through the opened door, and turned into quiet whispers in the hallway.

Goku rolled on the ground. He successfully dodged the long spear thrust from one of the youkais. He swung his Nyoibou, a magical wooden stick he had been having for most of his life, low over the ground, sweeping the feet of his attacker off the ground. A flicker of something moving at his side caught by the corner of his eyes. He leaped up to a standing pose to evade the swishing blade of another youkai's sword. The blade missed his chest, but hit his right arm.

"EAT THIS!!"

Growling in anger, he thrust his stick toward the new youkai. His magic stick lengthened itself, hitting the youkai right at the guts. The youkai fell down to the ground, cradling his stomach, with a loud groan of pain.

Two youkais down. Goku scanned the rest of his assaulter. There were five more leaping towards him, and four more in the background, ready to attack him whenever they have the chance. He didn't know how many they were. He predicted, from the last battle with them, they came in big flocks. 

That was no good news. He was already wounded. He pressed his palm to the gushing wound at his right arm. His right sleeve was soaked in fresh blood. He could still use it to hold his weapon, but the pain had numbed and stiffened the arm. He might not be able to fight for too long. That was if he didn't lose too much blood already. 

They could drive these youkais away the last time, resulting in Sanzo's severe injury. He was alone now. He might survive if the youkai boss wouldn't appear.

But surely, life was never that kind.

"It's no use for you to struggle against us, Monkey," said a voice, smooth and clear, drifted out of the dark shadows of the trees as if the voice belonged to the forest itself.

But Goku knew better. He had heard that voice before. Boushu Jin stepped out of the shadows, looking as dark as his surrounding. The traces of his last defeat were thoroughly erased from his figure. He smiled a victorious grin at the surrounded Goku.

"Shame on you!" shouted Goku angrily. "You've lost to us once and you dare to challenge me again? Don't you have any honor?"

Jin sneered at Goku's outburst. "It's not honor I'm after. What is honor in the face of power? In the end, honor is just an elaborate word created to beautify one's weakness."

"What are you talking about?" barked Goku. "If you're not weak, then why do you have to send dozens of your men to attack a single me? Doesn't it show who's weak after all?"

Jin gritted his teeth. His anger radiated off his figure like heat off a furnace. He looked as if he was going through a turmoil of rage inside him. When the turmoil passed, rather quickly, he wore his smug smile on his face again.

"I won't be taunted. I'm willing to do anything to reach my goal. I'm not risking anything now. You're just a tool, a bait, a worthless lure if you don't have any relation to my bigger goal."

"What?" Goku hissed.

"If your so-called honor is what I have to sacrifice to reach my goal, then so be it," Jin smirked.

The dark youkai raised his hand across himself, his palm opened towards Goku. A surge of energy rushed out of the very middle of the palm. Goku couldn't see what it was, he could only sense it. Whatever it was, it bound his body limp and stole his ability to move. 

"What do you want, Bastard?" growled Goku.

Jin crooked a smile again. A vicious one this time. "Your master."

The youkai fisted closed his open palm in one quick snap. As instantly, Goku saw darkness swallow him. He desperately trying to crawl out of the powerful unconsciousness that was dragging him down. He screamed for help, but found his throat was devoid of any voices. He thought of Sanzo, of his cold stare and grumpy voice.

He thought that was the last thing he would see in his head before he lost his consciousness. He was surprised to see that he was wrong.

The last thing he saw in his head was Hakkai's wounded expression after he rejected him. 

The room fell into silence. It had been like that since Hakkai finished telling the truth. Gojyo leant his elbows on his thighs and put his head on the back of his hands. He stared at the floor. His current battle of emotions didn't show up on the surface, his usually easy-going behavior was depraved from him. Hakkai eyed his friend with sad eyes, knowing that he had once again lost a friend. This time, it was Gojyo, his closest friend in the world whom he had gone through a lot of things with. Which made it harder for him.

Gojyo drew a long, heavy sigh, as if his breath weighed more than a wagon. A stab of pain crushed Hakkai in the inside, seeing his friend in such a morose condition which he had caused himself. 

"You can hit me if you want," he said.

Gojyo raised his face, staring at Hakkai with a frown. "What?"

Hakkai laughed bitterly. "You can hit me. I know you want to, so do it. Then after that, I'll go to Sanzo and have him hit me too. After that, I'll leave all of you and this journey and be gone. That's what I should do from the beginning. I can't believe I've waited for days to do this."

Gojyo stood up abruptly. Hakkai faced him, in a submitting pose, ready to take on any hits. Gojyo strode towards him in giant leaps, anger was shown in his figure that Hakkai could even smell it. He closed his eyes, bracing himself for the pain he told himself he deserved to suffer.

The blow was harsh. The pain stung him at his guts. He lurched downward, taking in all the pain he could take with him. But Gojyo didn't let him fall to the floor. The man caught his staggering body in his arms. Soon, an arm was slung across his back, and another one around his shoulder. 

Into his hair, Gojyo whispered softly. "Baka.."

Wincing from the pain not in his belly but in his heart, Hakkai was startled to hear what Gojyo just said.

"Go…jyo?"

"BAKA!" this time Gojyo shouted, still holding Hakkai tight in his arms. "Why the hell didn't you tell me?! Who do you take me for? An airhead who won't understand his friend's problem? I know I fool around so much, but you can always trust me!"

"Gojyo…"

Gojyo cupped Hakkai's face between his hands; his voice was gentler now. "I told you this once before, I'm going to tell you once again, because you seem to forget this all the time. You can depend on me, Hakkai, for anything. And I mean anything."

Hakkai stared at him with disbelief. "You're…you're not angry with me because I did that to Goku?"

Gojyo returned him with a frown. "Of course I'm angry. But I'm angrier because you didn't tell me anything. I thought I'm your friend."

"You are.."

"Then why, Hakkai, damn it?!"

"I'm afraid that you'll be angry, that you'll think I'm a freak. That you're not going want to know me ever again," Hakkai stuttered. "I'm afraid to lose you too."

Gojyo snarled. "You know you're not gonna."

"I hate risking…"

"If you told me, you probably wouldn't do it…to Goku."

"I realized that now. I'm such a loser."

Gojyo grinned a nasty smile. "Naw, ya'r not a loser. You're just a baka. I never thought I'll say that to you. It's always been Goku who's the baka in the group."

Hakkai didn't smile at the remark. The new progress in the situation had cleared him of one worry, Gojyo. The situation with Goku remained still. He still had done something unforgivable. He knew apology wouldn't matter so much, since Goku wasn't willing to give any. Even if he did, Hakkai wouldn't still forgive himself.

Gojyo noticed the anxiety on his friend's face. He sobered himself quickly, not intending to make jokes about the serious incident. He let Hakkai go from his arms, but he didn't retreat so far that their bodies were still inches away. Hakkai appreciated the friendly closeness, as he had been drowning in cold loneliness for the past few days.

"So, what are you going to do with Goku?" Gojyo asked in gentle tone.

Hakkai frowned, looking miserable. "I don't know. Do I even deserve to ask for his apology?"

"You're his friend after all. I think you do."

"I still can't forgive myself."

Gojyo hesitated for a while, wanted to ask something that had been bugging him. However, he knew his place and decided not to scratch his friend's wound. Not now, at least.

"You want to ask me why I did it, don't you?" Hakkai stared at him, knowingly.

"Well, yes, I do. But I don't want to if you don't want me to. I mean, it doesn't have to be now."

"It's all right. Ask me."

Gojyo sighed. "Goku, Hakkai? Of all the people, why the monkey brat?"

Hakkai covered his face with his hands, confused. "I don't know, I don't know….. He's just….so…. innocent. So pure. So oblivious. I guess I'm a bit envious. No…, I'm very envious. I didn't realize that until it was too late. I grew this twisted hatred for him, for a reason so trivial and silly."

"What is the reason?"

There was silence for a while. When he finally answered, Hakkai's voice was slightly trembling.

"He reminded me of my days with Kanan……"

"Hakkai….."

"The way he acts around Sanzo, the way he treats Sanzo. It's very clear in my mind. When I see him do all of those things to Sanzo, I see Kanan doing all of those things to me. The way he cares so much for someone, much more than he care for himself. That was how Kanan like. It tortured me always to see him. His laugh, as innocent as he was, felt like it was intended to mock me and my misery. It's probably just a self pity, pathetic as it is, but it still hurt….. I…. I want him to feel the way I feel….. He said I'm a perfect man, when I'm not. I'm not perfect at all…."

Hakkai closed his eyes when Gojyo held him from behind. His warm body and strong arms brought a sense of safety to Hakkai, which he really needed badly right now. He felt vulnerable, but not when Gojyo's arm was around him. Gojyo was right. If he turned to him before, all of this wouldn't have to happen.

"Don't say that," whispered Gojyo, hoarsely, feeling everything too familiar for him. "Don't say that you're not perfect. No one is. I learned that in a hard way, when I was still a kid. You remember the story, don't you? I think it's a useless thing to keep thinking that way."

"I… I know…. But I can't help it…. I feel so…. lonely…"

"That's why I told you you're a baka. I'm always here for you. Damn it, Hakkai."

With those words, Hakkai realized the reason, the real reason, why he didn't tell this to Gojyo before. He knew already that Gojyo wouldn't completely understand. His loneliness was not a need of someone's existence in his life. It was deeper than that, it was worst. What he needed was someone to love him and care for him more than anything in the world.

To put it simply, he needed someone like Kanan.

Gojyo would never be that kind of someone. He was a great friend, probably the best friend one could ever had. But he wouldn't love him that way, that much. Gojyo would probably think that he did, but Hakkai knew that he wouldn't. Ever. Even if Gojyo would fall in love with him and dedicated his life for him, it still wouldn't be the same.

But Goku….

Goku had the ability to dedicate his life so completely to someone while loving with pure, innocent affection. But Goku was not his to belong, he was Sanzo's. So instead of forgetting his personal feeling and leaving the two alone, Hakkai blamed his own misery and loneliness to the boy. 

How pathetic.

How disgustingly, selfish of him.

The hatred he had been feeling for Goku had turned out to be a fake one. It was not hatred. It was jealousy. It was longing. It was needs. How could someone like him ask for forgiveness to someone like Goku? 

"I still can't believe you could do that, Hakkai. I mean, it's really unlike you," Gojyo stopped, then he smiled bitterly. "But then again….. maybe it is the real you and I just don't know about it. Some friend I am, eh?"

Hakkai wanted to say something to deny it, to comfort Gojyo, but couldn't find any. He knew what Gojyo said was the truth and he didn't have any will left to hide it.

"Do you still want to tell Sanzo about this?" said Gojyo again.

"Why not? I may be a fool, Hakkai, but I'm not going to throw away my responsibility. I have to confess to him."

"He won't be so pleased."

"He might have known that already. Perhaps Goku told him. I saw the boy cried in his arms the morning after….that night…"

"If he has known about this, you won't be alive."

"You're probably right. But still, I still have to tell him. Better to die in his hand than in the youkais'."

"Fine. Do what you please. But I won't let you leave the group. If Sanzo expel you, he has to expel me too."

"Gojyo…"

"Shut up. I've decided that. Now, I think we better look for the brat and get this over with. If he won't forgive you, I'm gonna make him to."

"Gojyo, no…"

Gojyo threw him a smile, not the wicked one he usually does, but a warm, loving one. 

"It's alright. Let me take care of you from now on. You've gone through so much. You really can't live without me, can you, Hakkai?"

Hakkai sighed in submission. Gojyo was not the kind of person you could say no to. 

Before they reached the door, Gojyo turned around and whispered wickedly in Hakkai's ear.

"You know, if someday you need to relieve yourself from…anything, you can always come to me. I do want to get to know the real you better. I don't even mind the violence…"

Hakkai blushed to the very core. He didn't dare to ask if Gojyo was serious or not. One couldn't tell it from Gojyo, really, where his playful mode stopped and his serious mode started. So he let it pass, feeling very much embarrassed.

They went out of the room, to start looking for the main topic of their discussion, Goku. They passed through the open door and head for the hallway. Outside the room, they both stopped dead in their tracks, staring at something they didn't expect to meet.

Sanzo was standing in the hallway, leaning his back against the wall outside Hakkai's room. His pose was rigid. His face was unreadable, a common thing for him, yet there was a certain degree of tension radiated from the monk. 

He heard the whole thing, Hakkai thought. 

They had forgotten to close the door and let him hear everything. He forgot that Sanzo was also in the hallway when Gojyo broke through his room and demanded the explanation.

There was no turning back now. He had to tell him.

"Sanzo," Hakkai started with worry. "I'm sor…"

"I'm not the one you should tell that to," Sanzo cut his words in cold, sharp tone. "Neither is Gojyo."

A pang of guilt gripped Hakkai's insides. He swallowed hard. Gojyo's hand landed over his shoulder, encouragingly, while Gojyo himself staring at Sanzo rather blatantly.

"I still want to apologize to you too. I have to apologize to the whole group," Hakkai continue.

"Ask for Goku's apology first before you ask for mine. Do that before we continue this journey, or else you'll be breaking us apart. Whatever you did with him is none of my business. But if you jeopardize our journey, I'll make it my business."

The mild threat was flat and devoid of any emotions. Neither Hakkai or Gojyo could decide whether he was angry or not. His words were said shortly and curtly, very typical of him. Only his eyes showed a little hint of his emotion. Those eyes were cold, much colder than they usually were. Was it personal anger? Nobody knew. And none would dare so much as to find out.

"That's what we're going to do now, actually," said Gojyo, breaking the tensed silence between them. "Now, where would a monkey run to hide himself? Heh, cheap question. His home, the forest. Where else? Or is it some place that has some food in it?"

"I'll go look into the forest, while you search the town, Gojyo," Hakkai turned at Sanzo. "Are you going to stay at this inn?"

Sanzo snorted. "Of course. Why would I bother?"

In one fluid swing, Sanzo turned around to head back to his room. He pretended he didn't care. He pretended he was ignorant to all of this. But he wouldn't be able to fool anyone for a long time. If he went out to search for the boy, he might end up letting the others to know what he really felt.

That was not something he intended to happen, ever.

Let them search. They would find the monkey boy soon enough. Goku was never famous for his patience to hide and stay still in one place for too long. Sanzo had learned the boy's habit back from the days of their living together in the temple. The boy would be all right, he assured himself quietly.

Hakkai stared at Sanzo's retreating back silently. A man of ice cold masks, Sanzo was. He had never shown his real feeling to others. He considered it as displaying a weakness. In a way, they were both alike. They were both experts in putting on masks.

"Come on," said Gojyo. 

Hakkai nodded, turning around to follow Gojyo to the stairs. Not one step had he taken after that, a loud crackle was heard from behind him. Like the dry sounds of whip snapping in the air continuously. They turned around again, taken over by surprise and wariness. 

In the middle of the hallway, in the distance stretched between Sanzo and Hakkai, a yellowish black sphere was forming itself. The sphere was as big as a head, when Hakkai first turned to look, but had gradually expanded until it filled the whole hallway's width, separating him from Sanzo. 

The sphere was like a cloud, swirling and rotating along with the whipping sounds. It was not magic cast by human. It was youkai's magic. Was it an enemy attack?

"What the hell….?" Gojyo leveled himself next to Hakkai with his Shakujou ready in his hand.

"It's coming from the enemy," hissed Hakkai.

The middle part of the sphere began to swirl to fade, until it became transparent. Hakkai could vaguely see through the sphere, at Sanzo who was standing at the other side of it. Then, the transparent area of the sphere began to fill with images, very much blurry at first but slowly steadying. When the image was steady, Hakkai could finally see what it was.

He saw Goku, lying unconsciously on the ground with his shirt soaked with blood. The boy's face was bruised in several places, his lips bleeding. There was not a sign that told him whether the boy was still alive or not. He just laid there, still and quiet and gushing blood.

Then a voice echoed from inside the sphere.

{_Behold the image I am sending you. I have your precious pet in captivity, Sanzo-sama. Abide me and we should see if the monkey would survive.}_

"Goku!" shouted Hakkai, staring at the unconscious boy in terror.

"That voice!" snarled Gojyo, gripping his Shakujou tighter.

Sanzo glared at the illusion in front of him with hands balled in trembling fists.

****

***TBC***

yoong's A/N: Ah! Another cliffhanger! I'm so evil to leave you with such ending, ha ha I know snickering BTW, those who are uneasy with the tensed situation in these few parts, don't worry. I won't end this fic with Goku and....all in grief. Eventually, Jin has made his appearnce again. I really like him, and hope you do to. I also love Gojyo's act in this part. He's really a good friend Hakkai could ever have! 

****

Sumeragi Sakura's Little Note: This is one of my favorite chapters in Heal the Healer. I'm not really sure why, though. Maybe because here, Goku reaches some level of seriousness in his character that's not often found in the original series. Maybe because the uhm... rather OOC-ly too-loving scene between Hakkai and Gojyo, if you know what I mean. Maybe the scene when Sanzo fought not to care about Goku when he wasn't sure about it. But Yoong said, she's really curious, not about those scenes I mention above, but about Boushu Jin. ^^;; I didn't know he's that interesting. Ah, then again, Yoong has a knack to be attracted to certain types of villains. *laughs* She didn't specify this villain character in her plot, so I made him up. I personally think he's rather sad. So desperately hungry of power, he'll do anything, regardless of anything, to reach his goal. Ah, I shouldn't say so much! I'll spoil his part! __;; Yoong, I dedicate Boushu Jin to you. I know I upset you with my slow writing pace and delays. I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. *throws Jin to Yoong* Here, have him as your slave, please. Abuse him as you'd like *crackles* 


	8. Realization

**Disclaimer:** Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..

**Warning: **Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted **angsty** plot and **sexual abuse content**. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.****

**Heal the Healer**

A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki 

Plotter: Yoong

Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com 

**Part VIII: Realization**

{_Good evening, Sanzo-sama, so glad to find you awake at such late hour}_

A voice echoed once again from inside the sphere, rendering them all startled. Gojyo gripped his weapon tighter in his hand. Hakkai and Sanzo stood very still, their stances were rigid and wary.

"You…," hissed Sanzo, as he recognized the owner of the voice.

{_Yes, that's right, Sanzo-sama. It IS me. I have good news to tell you. As you have seen it for yourself from the illusion I'm sending you, I have your monkey boy in captivity. The good news is, much to my dislike, he's still alive, despite of his insolent mouth. But the question is, Sanzo-sama, for how long will he be alive? It's up for you to decide_.}

Somehow the tone the voice was in when it was calling Sanzo-sama didn't strike Hakkai as something coming out of respect. It was hatred, pure hatred. Or perhaps a sneer. It wasn't supposed to flatter Sanzo, but otherwise. None of them, who were standing in the wall, thought it was flattering.

"You fucking coward!" shouted Gojyo, raising his fist at the sphere. "That's very cheap! You come down here and see if you can stand my fist shoved up your ass!"

{_My, my, what language. Really, Sanzo-sama, you should teach your lackeys to behave more properly, especially in such occasions where I have one of your little gang here, whose very life lies in my hand._.}

"WHO'RE YA CALLIN' LACKEY, BASTARD!!"

Hakkai put a tight grip over Gojyo's shoulder. He was just as angry as Gojyo, but the youkai _did_ have Goku with him. It might not be a good idea to provoke him. Which was hard to do, seeing the unconscious boy lied bleeding that way. His rage boiled inside him, pushing up a huge bitter lump up his throat. 

This sight was all too familiar. He could see bits of reminiscence flashing inside his head. Goku. Lying motionless, helpless, as if he was lifeless. Passed out from the pain. The pain Hakkai inflicted on him. God. Oh God. The heavy, leaden feeling that had been haunting him all week, returned to him painfully. He hadn't been avoiding the guilt. In fact, he leashed the guilt inside his head, as a penance to what he had done.

But seeing the boy, all wounded and helpless in the sphere once again, was more than he could take. It was his fault that Goku bolted out of the safety perimeter of the town's inn. Thus it was his fault that Goku was captured by the youkais. Despite of his boyish nature, Goku had proved of being capable of taking care of himself against the youkai attack in many occasions before. It wasn't just because some sort of coincidence that he had lost to this youkai. Outraged and in fear, Goku must have lost his usual vigilance of his surrounding, therefore was easily captured.

Hakkai didn't want to think that this youkai gang was probably stronger than any of the other ones they had faced until now. He didn't want to think that Goku had fallen into the hands of someone that forceful. God knew what that youkai would do to the boy. No! No, no, no. This youkai was just the same as the other, he tried to convince himself. They _would_ be able to save Goku. They _would._

They must.

"What is it that you want?" 

He could hear Sanzo asking the youkai in calm, flat tone.

{_You, Sanzo-sama. I want you. Come to me with that Maten Kyoumon of yours and I will free your pet._}

"What will you need my Maten Kyoumon for?"

{_Power, my dear Holy Monk, ultimate power! More power to bring my people into the front light of glory. Of domination and freedom…_}

"It seems to me that your problem is because you're weak. Why should I let someone like you get a hold of something as powerful as my sutra? What exactly do you want to do with it? Trying to rule the world? The world doesn't need another fool like you claiming that he has the superiority over others, while he is a worthless weakling himself."

The voice coming from the sphere had now tinted with suppressed wrath. It was sharp, curt, and had a definite increase of hoarseness.

{_My motive is mine only to know! You are just as insolent as your monkey brat! If I haven't fought you before, I wouldn't believe that you are a Holy Monk worthy of that sutra! Remember that I have wounded you before, which means that I am not at all any less powerful than you. And I hold the fate of your lackey's life. Just do as I command you, Sanzo-sama, come to me and bring me the Maten Kyomon and I will be more than pleased to set the bothersome boy free. Though, I can't make any promise that he will be returned….unscathed. My people have never been known in good terms with hospitality. He will live, however. I guarantee that, but nothing more.}_

The deep, hoarse voice let out something similar to a delighted, if not twisted, chuckle. Sanzo, on the other hand, wasn't about to give the youkai any more delights.

"Boushu Jin, isn't it? Your name?" Sanzo gave a harsh, derisive snort. "Really, I thought that you deserve some of my respect when we fought the other day. Not so many creatures could lay a hand, let alone inflict a wound, on me before. But never have I suspected that you would stoop so low as to do this sort of thing. You _are_ no different than a common crook."

{_Careful, now, Sanzo-sama. That kind of tone is really not good for your own sake. Don't try my patience so much, or you will regret it later. Wouldn't it be a pity to lose your precious one over your temper?_}

"What exactly _is_ my precious one, youkai?"

Even the ill-tempered Gojyo shot a disbelieving frown at the monk. And he was the one who always boasted that he could live just fine without the rowdy monkey. Hakkai, torn between the fear of seeing Goku hurt and the outrageous surprise, glared at him. If Hakkai was being his usual composed self, he might dare to suspect that Sanzo was bluffing. But in the state of emotional mess he was in right now, he could feel nothing but anger.

"Sanzo…," he managed a dangerous hiss between his gritting teeth.

But, really, would Sanzo give up Son Goku over his Maten Kyoumon? Even he didn't know the answer to that, nor have the guts to guess it. The mighty sutra was their strongest, if not their only, weapon against the rising power of Gyumao. Without it, their long journey to the west, towards the youkai king's lair, would be in vain. Suicidal, even. Did the sutra worth more than a life of a comrade, of Goku? For the sake of Togenkyo?

Whether it did or not, Hakkai decided that he wouldn't let it happen. Whatever Sanzo might decide, he would get Goku out of the youkai's hands. He silently swore his pledge, as if the long-awaited chance for atonement had finally come.

Ignoring his doubtful friends, Sanzo kept a cold stare at the illusion sphere. He couldn't see Jin there, but it didn't necessarily mean that Jin couldn't see him. He didn't intend to give away anything to Jin, whatever it was he was feeling. 

What _was_ he feeling about this?

He saw Goku, lying there, bathed in his blood. Could he say that he didn't even feel a slight stir in his chest? Was what he said to the youkai merely a bluff, or was it the truth? He learned that at the time he was uncertain about it. Shit. He had been living a life devoid of the silliness called 'feelings', and was so damn proud of it. He wasn't going to mellow out just because he saw the stupid brat lying there, covered in blood. Helplessly unconscious. All alone. There. Unconscious.

Damn it! He willed away the vaguely faint twitch deep in his chest. Did the youkai notice that? 

{_Are you saying that this boy's life doesn't mean anything to you?_}

The voice couldn't hide its surprise.

"Why would I give away my Maten Kyoumon over a useless brat? Absolutely ridiculous. I thought you can come up with something better than this, Jin."

There was a long pause after Sanzo finished saying those words. Sanzo waited for any reactions from their invisible enemy. The youkai was weighing, measuring, if killing Son Goku would worth anything. He didn't have to wait long, though, for suddenly there was a movement inside the illusion sphere. 

Hakkai watched with rising horror when the prostrated figure of Goku was being lifted to the air, as if invisible huge hands were supporting him from underneath. The boy's head hung from his neck, his limbs swayed feebly under his body. Then, without any warning, the limp body started to slowly twist at the waist, in a stance that was frighteningly inhuman. He could also see Goku's right arm, which was visible from where he was standing, started the same slow twist at the shoulder. 

"He's… he's…," Gojyo stuttered in terror, "he's going to tear Goku's body apart! By Buddha!"

Hakkai's eyes widened with blatant fear in sudden realization of what was going on. Blood was quickly drained from the boy's face. He looked paler, even though he was unconscious. Thank the Goddess, he was unconscious, or the pain would be extremely excruciating.

"Stop…."

He could hear someone uttered the word under the breath. Low, hoarse and shaky.

"Stop it…."

He was shaking with anger, and fear, grasping his elbows across his stomach, slightly bending his body, as if he was the one being tortured. Pain. Pain, he could feel. God. Goku was being torn apart alive. All because of him. Because he couldn't keep his head cool. Because he had leashed his built up anger to the innocent boy, who was now writhing and twisting in the hand of the ruthless youkai.

"Stop it…. Stop it….," he heard the voice again, still not realizing it was his own. "Stop it… Stop it…. STOP IT!"

He could hear Gojyo muttered his name. He could sense Sanzo's heated stare. But he couldn't stop his pleading voice, or the shudder that ran all over his body.

"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" he could hear the scream; the shaking, frightened squeal of a scream. "We will come! We'll be there! Stop it! We'll give you the Maten Kyoumon! Just stop it! STOP IT!"

Goku was dropped abruptly to the ground, half conscious from the pain. He was trembling all over, his eyes dazed from the blood that bled over his eyes. The boy whimpered incoherently. But he was positively moving. Limbs were still all attached to his body and everything. Thank the Goddess. Thank the Buddha.

{_If you want to see this boy alive again, come to me. I will give you one day to think it over. A messenger of mine will meet you outside the town at dawn. If you agree to give the Maten Kyoumon to me, you will come with him and obey his words. If he is injured or kill, I will do the same with this monkey. I believe you understand the circumstances now. I hope you won't do anything foolish now that you know what your stubbornness could result. And don't bother searching for my lair, because it will be useless. I have a magical barrier protecting my base, a barrier that none of your magic will be able to find what it protects. So, until this morning, Sanzo-sama. I can not wait for you to come…_}

As promptly as it had appeared, the sphere faded away into thin air without a single trace of its former existence. As if nothing had happened all the while. As if the three of them were only standing around in the middle of the hallway like fools, staring into the dim nothingness that stretched between their bodies.

"Shit, shit, shit…," Gojyo spat, slamming his fist to the wall beside him, desperate to convey his wrath to something solid, not to the seemingly unreal sphere of illusion which had just disappeared.

"_You_…," Hakkai growled shakily, glowering at Sanzo, completely ignorant of his uncharacteristic behavior. "You were _really_ going to let him kill Goku! You were planning to stand there and watch Goku being twisted from limb to limb! Are you not human? I understand that you would probably bluffing at first but then you didn't do anything to stop the torture!"

Sanzo narrowed his eyes alarmingly at his usually calm friend. His pose was stiff and rigid.

"Doesn't he mean _anything_ to you? That was Goku! The boy you once saved! The boy you took under your care! How could you watch him suffer? Will you be glad if he's dead?"

Sanzo did nothing in respond to the accusation. Not even a single twitch on his brows.

"Are you done yet, Hakkai?"

"NO! No, I'm not done yet, you wretched bastard! If this how you value your friends, your companions, then I'd better leave your little group! It doesn't matter how much you want to save the world if you can't even save your friend! You don't betray your friends, Sanzo! You don't –"

Hakkai never finished his mad cry. Sanzo had suddenly came up in front of him, raised his arm up in the air before swinging it down and with the back of his hand hit Hakkai right on the side of his face. The force of the hit propelled the sense-numbed man backwards, falling on his rear at the cold, hard wooden floor.

"Sanzo!" Gojyo's sharp burst of a shout echoed in the hallway. But neither man paid him any heed.

"Are you one to talk of such thing, Hakkai?" under the cold, flat tone, the monk's voice was faintly tinted with fury. "After what you've done to the boy? Hmm? Drop that saint-like charade of yours. How disgusting. Hypocrisy doesn't work on me. Save it to protect your injured ego. You want to save the boy, you say? Value your friend, eh? All I can see is you, trying to sooth your own guilt. You'd think the boy will forgive you if you do, huh?"

Sitting sprawled on the floor, staring hotly at the lean figure of the monk overlooking him, Hakkai felt the cold apprehension dawning on him, like gray clouds creeping over broad daylights, instead of otherwise. He wanted to shout back at the monster who called himself Goku's caretaker. He wouldn't be able to anyway, even if he still had his strength with him. Because he knew that Sanzo was right. Oh, how he feared that Sanzo was right! 

A hypocrite.

A cowardly, pathetic little man. That was him.

How… how could he scream that way to Sanzo? He had no rights, no rights at all. Sanzo was right. He _was_ feeling guilty. He didn't want Goku to hurt anymore, after what _he_ had done just days before. He wanted to save Goku so _he_ could feel better about himself. So he could once again face Goku and claim that he had done something to atone his sin. By Buddha…. He was the lowest of the low. He cared only for the good of his own feeling, forgetting what the real, more important issue at hand was all about. Demolishing the Gyumao. They needed the Maten Kyoumon for that. If they gave up the sutra—their ultimate means to reach their long-fought goal—the fate of Togenkyou would end, along with the ruin of human civilization. They would probably have Goku, but there wouldn't be anymore of the world –their home—they could live in.

Yet…

Yet, even though he knew how grave their situation would be if they were to give up the Maten Kyoumon, he couldn't still shake off that vaguely distant feeling of regret, for planning to leave Goku behind. It was his guilt, he thought again. It was the need to make him think he was a good man, for the sake of his own sanity.

He raised slightly, to a sitting position, his legs were still sprawling on the floor. His shoulder shook, as if he was cold, with such force he didn't think he would be able to stand up because of it. Hiding his face in his hands, he stooped his head even lower. He couldn't face Sanzo now. Neither could he face Gojyo. 

Why was he hurting this much? He had willingly accepted the real fact that lied behind his anger. As shameful as he was right now, he knew he shouldn't feel this hurt anymore. It was all just a pretense, right? A façade. He wasn't really afraid of losing Goku, was he? Surely, everything would turn out better for the good of them all if they carried on with their initial plan. Destroy the Gyumao. Everything else was just a minor problem, unless it could get in their way.

Right?

Wasn't it?

Then, why was he crying right now?

+ + + + +

Gojyo kept silent during the whole situation. He was much surprised to see how Hakkai--the usually calm, composed Hakkai—threw a tantrum with such wrathful force he never knew existed in the man. Then again, he had just being informed of how Hakkai had…hurt.. Goku a few nights before.

Where was the Hakkai he once knew?

As if the image of the easy-going and light-hearted man he called his best friend had suddenly disappeared, blown away by the wind to somewhere he didn't know. Really? Or was _this_ the real Hakkai, the real person that existed under the impeccably perfect mask?

Even so, Gojyo didn't believe that someone could change _that_ dramatically. This was still Hakkai. This was still _his_ Hakkai, whose cheerful laughs had brightened his mood in so many occasions. This was just another part of Hakkai, the part that had already been there when he first showed up before Gojyo's eyes years ago. And the one Gojyo had failed to notice all this time.

No, blaming himself right now wouldn't do him, or any of them, any good.

If he was shocked to see Hakkai's sudden burst of emotion, he was even more surprise to hear Sanzo's words. Surely, how could Sanzo think Hakkai of being that low? Gojyo had to admit that what Sanzo had said was probably partly true. But however much Hakkai had changed, however terrible his other side of self was, Gojyo still couldn't believe that his friend cared nothing but of himself. Just like what Sanzo had accused him of.

Yes, Hakkai would probably need to be taught a little lesson about his mistakes. But not this. Not this way. Perhaps it was time for him to stand up for his friend now, against Sanzo's vicious mental attack.

Just as Gojyo was ready to put himself between the other two men, Sanzo walked up to Hakkai. The monk's face was still as unreadable as ever, but it had lost the stern tense it wore just a moment before. Sanzo bent slightly over, reaching his pale hand towards the sobbing Hakkai.

"Stand up, Cho Hakkai," said the monk, with such softened voice that caused Gojyo to frown in disbelief. "You won't do any good by crying like that. Don't you have any faith at all in Goku's power? Do you think that frustrating twit could be mortally injured by that little display of power the youkai was so proud of? Son Goku is immortal. Have you forgotten about his true form? He won't be killed so easily. Believe me, I've tried a million times before. He's as stubborn as a cockroach when it comes to survival."

Sanzo ended his rather uncharacteristic affectionate remark with a hoarse snort. But Hakkai didn't find it funny at all, for he was still deeply absorbed in his choking sobs.

"Come on up, Hakkai," Sanzo continued. "Let's not waste time. We've got to pick up the monkey."

"Sanzo," Gojyo abruptly interrupted. "Didn't you just say that you won't give away your sutra?"

Sanzo threw him a smug smirk. "I won't. I don't have to."

Gojyo went into a deep session of brows furrowing. "But, how…?"

"You're underestimating me, Gojyo. What makes you think I can't get the monkey without giving away my Maten Kyoumon?"

"But… but…? HOW?!"

Sanzo's eyes sparkled with such evil delight when he softly said, "I know where they keep Goku. I can sense the brat anywhere he is. It's sort of an after-effect from the bonding I've gone under with him years ago. I can even hear his voice if he calls me. We're not going to wait until morning. We're going tonight."

And by that, the bastard monk turned around at his heel, starting for the stairs. He roughly stated that he was going to wait for them downstairs, and told Gojyo to mend the mess that was his best friend. Gojyo cursed mentally at the retreating back. That arrogant bastard! He deliberately gave away to that youkai Jin that he didn't care even a bit about Goku. So Jin wouldn't suspect them to come tonight. Yes, that was what Sanzo had been planning all along! They were going to raid the Kyougei Rhyaku's lair when they weren't expecting them to come. That youkai leader, Jin, so conceitedly believed that no one would know his where about. Jin didn't know the deep connection shared between the monk and the monkey boy.

Gojyo had suddenly felt a helpless urge to laugh. He did, unleashing a loud, harsh chuckle while shaking his head. What an arrogant bastard indeed, that Sanzo was!

Ah, but it wasn't the time to admire his friend's evil cunning now. He concernedly stared at Hakkai, who was still sitting on the floor, shaking and crying silently. Blowing a tremendous sigh, he crouched in front of his friend. He gave him a soft rub over the forearm.

"Hakkai, come on. You heard what Sanzo said…"

"Gojyo…. I… I'm…. I can't…. I can't go there… I can't face Goku…."

"Sure you can."

"No…. you don't understand…. I'm so selfish… He's been thinking that I'm such a good person, while I'm not! I'm not, Gojyo!"

Gojyo stroke Hakkai's hair comfortingly. "I still think you're a good person."

"All I was thinking about was myself. My own feeling! How… how can I…"

"Hakkai, let me ask you, why are you crying now?"

Hakkai wiped his tears off his wet face, blinking confusedly. "Wha.. what?"

"Why are you crying now? If you really are a bad person, you won't be crying now."

Hakkai winced. "Goku…. Goku is hurt… I know we should leave him behind… but Goku is hurt… I can't…."

"Didn't you hear what Sanzo said? We _can_ save Goku. Come on."

Gojyo had to pull the trembling man up to his feet, because Hakkai seemed to forget that he could stand up. He looked at his poor friend with a growing compassion in his heart. Hakkai hadn't realize, that even though he was guilty of being selfish, he was still very much concerned about Goku's safety. Sanzo's words had hit him hard, true as they were, that he immediately judged his real concern for Goku as a concern for his own feeling as well, when it was, in fact, not. 

"Oi, Hakkai," Gojyo held Hakkai's face in both of his hands now. "You really care about Goku. You know you do. Yes, Sanzo's probably right, that you're also trying to console yourself. But, come on, you have to see for yourself too, that you really care about Goku's safety. You were angry when you saw how Goku was hurt, weren't you? Then you were angry to Sanzo for not trying to safe him, right? Really, I don't see any reason why you must feel bad about yourself."

Somehow, to Gojyo's relief, Hakkai had begun to take his words, for the sobbing had started to cease and the trembling had calmed. He was, right now, brushing his face slowly against Gojyo's vest. _Urgh…,_ thought Gojyo worriedly when he noticed his vest was stained with snot,_ great. I'd be having a great time washing that!_

"Can… can Sanzo really find where they're keeping Goku is?" asked Hakkai, who was obviously trying to regain his composure, and gradually succeeded.

"He said so himself. Wretched monk! He could've told us before so we didn't have to over-worry. I tell you, he likes doing this to us!" 

"Where is he now?"

"Downstairs. Waiting for us. We'll be going as soon as we can."

"Oh, God…. I'm keeping us behind… I'm sorry… I shouldn't have broken down like that…"

"Ah, but you can repay us by driving us there," Gojyo threw a grin and winked his left-eyes playfully. "We really can't do it without you, you know. Sanzo knows it, but hell, he'd rather eat his robe before admitting that he has to depend on someone else. One of these days, I AM going to make him do that…."

Hakkai took a long, still rather shakily, breath and exhaled it, while his eyes were closed. But when he opened them again, his usual well-composed self had returned. Instead of tears, his eyes were now filled with a distinct sparkle of fury. And strained fear.

"Then, let's go, Gojyo. I won't be another reason for Goku to suffer again."

+ + + + +

Hakkai was making amends to his prior blunders by driving them to Boushu Jin's lair as quickly as he could. He obediently followed Sanzo's order of where to go, trusting without any doubt that the monk could really lead them to where Goku was. He forced Hak Ryu, in its Jeep form, to the very limit of its ability, causing the poor creature to screech fearfully, and rather painfully, every time Hakkai stepped on the gas over the bumps on the road.

"Go north now after that bend up ahead," Sanzo commanded, trying to keep his voice as composed as it could, despite the massive lurch the Jeep was making.

Hakkai complied to the bossy order amenably.

"How…," Gojyo tried asking from the back of the car, "how far is…ugh… this youkai base?"

The poor man was desperately gripping at his seat as if it was the only thing that had been keeping him alive. Strangely, it probably was, since he couldn't risk losing his grip without falling off the Jeep. 

"It's not very far," was Sanzo's brief reply, not liking to hear the shake in his voice even though it was caused by the way Hakkai was driving, not worry.

Since Gojyo didn't want to risk accidentally biting his tongue off in the next turn of the road, he didn't ask if Sanzo was really sure about it. Besides, if he did ask that, Sanzo's only reply would probably be a shot in the head. That, he could be happy to avoid.

Hakkai knew he wasn't making his passengers comfortable. But comfort was a luxury they couldn't afford to have right now. The sooner they got to the youkai's lair, would be the better for Goku. He channeled his earlier regret and self-hatred into this fierce will to reach their destination, as if he was high on adrenalin. His two traveling companions didn't utter their protests, however, over how awfully he was driving, knowing the grave situation they were in at the present time.

There was, actually, another reason why Hakkai was driving like a mad elephant on the rampage. He was in fear, very much in fear. He had realized how familiar this had been for him. The feeling of urgent rush, the need to reach a destination so that he could save someone.

God…

It was also at nighttime when he climbed up the mountain to reach Kanan. It was raining back then. It wasn't right now. But that was the only difference. The rest felt exactly the same to him. The numbing throb in his head, the mad beating of his heart, and--the worst of them all—the soul-crushing fear that had taken over him with a cold rush of blood in every vein he had in his body.

God, oh, God….

Let them be in time. Make Boushu Jin keep his words by letting Goku alive until morning. Could he really trust a word of a youkai? Even so, Jin had told them that he couldn't or wouldn't let his youkai gang to stop torturing Goku.

He could see blood in his eyes. The dark, thick and death-smelling blood running slowly on the floor, reaching him, gripping him with terror. He could see those tear-filled eyes, so full of regret, so full of love. But not a single tinge of anger. And that smile, so yielding, was begging him to let go.

He couldn't let go.

He _would not_ let go.

God, oh, God….

Shaking his head, he forced himself to detach his past memory from the present time. Goku needed help right now. Goku was suffering right now. It was Goku. _Goku_. Not Kanan.

He chanted the boy's name in his head like it was an incantation that would keep his sanity from slipping away. Goku. It was Goku. By Buddha, he couldn't stand this. This was all too familiar….

It was _far_ too familiar…

To his horror, he realized that he was _actually_ reliving his past memory. The fury, for knowing that a person dear to him was taken away by force, was the same. The fear of losing was, obviously, the same as well. He wasn't remembering about the past. He was _exactly_ feeling the same as the past.

But that could only mean….

That…

That he had…feelings…. for Goku…. Just as he had for Kanan.

The same, exact feeling.

But that meant, he was….

Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God…

The exact feeling. He loved Kanan…..

Then did it mean that he…loved… Goku?

He. Loved. Goku.

He….

Oh God, oh God, oh God….

He _loved_ Goku!

It was all coming back to him. Like a rush of current, it washed him over straight on the face. Then the clear realization followed, telling him what he had already known for a long time, but chose not to. He had been shutting his heart for so long. All this time. But deep, deep down in the tiniest part of it, he was still yearning for love. For love to come and fill the empty, drained space he had in his heart, like an eternally bleeding gash of wound. The wound, the empty space, that was born the moment he realized he had lost Kanan. He had lost her love. That was what had been causing him the pain, the tremendous pain of longing for comfort. For love.

He was hurt so bad when he lost Kanan that he shut his heart. Stop believing there was still love existed in the world for him. It would be better if he had never known it. Never let himself be taken over with it. So he wouldn't ever be hurt again. He was hurt so bad that another kind of pain would devastate him.

His head knew it was a lopsided logic. No one could really die of a heart-ache. But somehow his wreck of a heart had refused to learn the common sense. Therefore, he closed that tiny room in the deep, deep part of his heart and forgot about it.

So there he was. A man invalid at heart.

He was so far from being perfect.

Goku had come. Oblivious as the boy always was, he had somehow teased that part of him that was long-hidden, aroused his need for love again with his genuine, compassion care. That tiny part of him, curious as it was, had opened itself a bit and learned the existence of Goku, which in turn began to yearn for that compassion once more. Hakkai, a coward as he was, had subconsciously tried to hide it by branding it as lust. When, in fact, it was really, truly, love.

Oh God, oh God, oh God….

Now he knew the answer to Gojyo's earlier question. _Why are you crying now, Hakkai?_ He thought he was being selfish. But he did ache when he saw Goku lying there, all bleeding, all wounded. It wasn't just because of his guilt. It was something more; a whole lot more.

Hakkai had now been grasped by a new kind of fear. The fear of losing Goku had just added with the fear of accepting his own, true feeling. Distracted, he saw how his hands had been gripping the steering wheel with much more force that he should've used. His knuckles were all white, as if the fear had drained all the blood they had, and shaking. But it wasn't nearly as strong as the tremble that ran all over his entire body now.

He didn't want to lose Goku then. He especially couldn't afford to lose Goku now. Now that he had known his feeling. It was the same as that night. He, too, didn't want to lose Kanan. He thought everything would turn out fine. He could take on those youkais. He fought every one of them and knew he was winning. But he didn't. Kanan gave up on him, on them. 

Would Goku give up his hope on them as well?

He didn't want to think about it. Focus on the road. Listen to Sanzo's direction. Get there in time. Demolish the youkais. Save the boy. That was what he must do. He wouldn't think of failing again. He wouldn't fail again. 

Not this time.

*****TBC*****

**yoong's A/N: **Do you find this chapter reasonable? Umm...I mean, believable? Hakkai finally found love for himself again, but was it too late? This chapter is fully emotional. It's one of my favourite chapters. Sakura made it great in describing the character's feelings, really. 

**Sumeragi Sakura's Little Note:**

This chapter's installment took the longest time. Please, don't blame Yoong for this. It was all _my_ fault. I was ….uh… on the bridge of abandoning this chapter for many reasons, from the lack of time, the amount of laziness, the holiday & new year mind-numbing merriment, my PC was coming down with an annoying virus and the frustrating writer's block I got at the early part of the chapter. *hides from the vicious death glare of Yoong* Er… yes, that's right, writer's block. I know that Yoong has kindly written the plot completely, but somehow I need to set my mood down to the "Very Angsty" level for writing this fic and that's pretty hard to achieve lately. Oh believe me, I've tried sitting in front of my PC three times before to write this chapter and that didn't work. My head was just blank….Dunno why… But anyway, I'm back. I haven't abandoned this fic at all and will keep my promise of completing it. And to all the reviewers, thank you very much! Reading your comments is one of the two things that keep me going. The first one is Yoong's angry glare *laughs* No, just joking there. Yoong has always been so kind to a brat like me… ^__^

Oh by the way, sorry for that _very_ OOC Gojyo… Couldn't help it….*runs away*


	9. Trepidation

**Disclaimer:** Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..

**Warning: **Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted **angsty** plot and **sexual abuse content**. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.****

**Heal the Healer**

A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki 

Plotter: Yoong

Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com 

**Part IX: Trepidation**

He was drifted between the realm of consciousness and the other side. It was where everything left its physical form and surrendered to the numbing force of sensations. Sensations, those were the things that throbbed vaguely in the back of his head, under the borderline of his existence. He could sense they were there, but only as a distant annoyance he could absent-mindedly forget about.

He saw colors. Black first, then came the red. The red was in blur and it stayed that way for a long time. For how much long, he didn't know. Not that it really mattered anyway. Nothing seemed to matter. He felt like floating, like he was under water. But instead of seeing the blue water all around him, he was seeing red.

The red had started to look clearer. The clearer it got, the more he was aware of the vague sensations, throbbing from somewhere in his body. Body? When did he start having a body?

The moment he asked the question, the stronger he could feel the sensations. Pain. Dull pain slowly accumulated to the point of being irritating, until it hurt so bad that he let a whimper out of his dry lips.

The pain had awakened him. The realization of his outer world was slowly coming back. Pain. He was in pain. In many places of his body. He tried to see, but a world of red was veiling his sight. What was this red?

Blood?

He fluttered his eyes open, trying to see through the blood. He wondered why he couldn't use his hands. His hands…. Pain. God, the pain had come in full force now. He woke with a start.

It was dark all around him. A blotch of red was still covering his eyes. Maybe he injured his head and now the dry blood was covering his eyes. He moved one of his hands—surprised to see that he could—over his eyes to wipe the blood away. He could see bars, now. Straight gray bars, lining horizontally not very far away from him, which had recall something from deep within his memory. How familiar, those bars were….

He blinked twice, absent-mindedly discerning his current surrounding. He was aware of the existence of the cold stone floor under him. So, he was inside. But inside of where? And why was he feeling this pain?

Once his sight grew better, he realized, much to his horror, that he was in a cell. A small, stone prison cell that smelled like rotten carcass. He jerked up, sitting on the floor. The pain that shot throughout his system should have been blinding, but he was in such cold terror that he didn't feel the pain.

He scrambled towards the cell bars, with his breath panting raggedly with fear. Outside of the cell was dark. It looked like he was inside of a building—a dungeon, perhaps—for he could see the man-made wall visible with the illumination of the flickering torch set on it.

It wasn't a cave.

Thank goodness, it wasn't a cave.

He was afraid that he was once again locked in the cave in that rocky mountain, where he was forced to spend five hundred years of his life in hunger. But it wasn't the hunger that was really horrible. It was the unbearable loneliness, the lack of other's presence, that almost rendered him insane. Five hundred years without the company of anyone—anything—else . It was far worse than the torture of hunger or the lack of freedom.

But no, he wasn't in the cave. He wasn't in any cave.

So, _where_ was he? 

The youkai attack, he remembered. He fought them alone. In the forest. There were too many of them. He was wounded. Then one of them, the leader—the one who severely injured Sanzo—came and captured him. So he must have been in their place. Their base, perhaps. How long had he been there? There wasn't any window in the cell, therefore he couldn't predict the time.

It was then the pain from his abrupt standing up occurred to him. He fell back to the cold floor, groaning and hissing loudly. He felt something cold wrapping around his wrists and ankles. He took a look. His eyes were widening with anger when he saw iron bangles, chained to the ring on the floor, were what causing him the pain, besides the injuries he got from the fight with those blasted youkais. Strange, he didn't remember being injured this badly during the fight. Just that bad cut in his right arm. The others were just little scratches and bruises. But now his body screamed with pain that had obviously been caused by much more injuries. The youkais! They must have wounded him more when he was unconscious! Those slimy prats! Didn't they have any shame attacking an unconscious hostage?

He tried to break the chain. He unleashed the little strength he still had in him, abandoning the striking pain that weakened his body, but all to no avail. Damn it!

He rolled on his back, facing the ceiling. God, he was hungry….What everybody was doing now? he thought. Was this place near the town? He hoped it was, so they could easily find him. He had no doubt that they would come and rescue him. Even that grumpy monk, despite of his arrogance and ignorance to other people, was the very person who rescued him from that wretched cave in the rocky mountain. How long would they take to get here? God, he wished he had the strength to break this stupid chains…. He couldn't regain his strength if he was _this_ hungry…. 

Thinking about his friends brought his mind to the last time he was with them. He was in the hallway with Sanzo, when Hakkai came up to them. 

_Don't touch me!_

He was screaming at Hakkai. He could still remember vividly how Hakkai's wounded expression over his rejection. He gritted his teeth. How could he not reject? After what the man had done to him? Hurting him, betraying his trust, staining their friendship….

Damn it! Why was he thinking about _that_ right now? He just wanted to get out of here. Would Sanzo come to rescue him once again? That cranky bastard, Goku thought with a laugh, if he did rescue him again, imagine how he could explain why he did it if Goku asked about it. The proud monk would rather bite his tongue off before telling him that he was worried.

Then without warning, like the sudden coming of a storm, a question sneaked into Goku's mind.

What if it was Hakkai who would come to rescue him?

What would he do then?

+ + + + + +

The Jeep halted with a violent jolt, after screeching and lurching at the end of the road, hazardously turning around as the effect of the brake being stepped on abruptly. The passengers inside had to grip with all they might to their seats, if they didn't want to be thrown overboard. Clouds of dust hovering in the air immediately behind the worn out vehicle, as the trace of its high-speed arrival. 

Hakkai jumped out of the Jeep, obviously the only one who had survived the drive, being the driver himself. He stared up the tall hill just beyond the end of the road, to the looming little mountain with a dark mansion crowning over the top. The Kyougei Rhyaku's base. Goku was in there, wounded, alone. 

He cursed under his breath. This was all just too damn similar! The youkais from his past kept Kanan in a mansion as well. Was history trying to be funny here? He was so not amused. He was afraid. So very afraid. Not of the youkais. But of losing, again.

He heard voices from behind him. Staggering out of the front seat, Sanzo looked as green as a seaweed. He fought hard to stand still, hand over his forehead, as if his very dignity and pride lied in his ability of standing up perfectly. Closing his eyes, Sanzo tried to will away the humiliating nausea that was rioting in his stomach. He would not stoop so low as to vomit. That…. that would be utterly mortifying….

Meanwhile, Gojyo, who was not so keen on keeping a good impression of his pride, was positively groaning from the back of the Jeep. He crawled out of the topless vehicle and plunge to the god-forsakenly-hard ground beneath him. He growled and "Ouw!"-ed before squirming his way to the side of the road. Regurgitating sounds were heard shortly afterwards before the man decided he felt better enough to try and stand up.

"Oi…," he bellowed shakily, glowering at Hakkai, "I refuse—do you hear me? Refuse!—to ride with you again! Ever! I swear, I'd rather run!"

"Hakkai did the right thing to do," cut Sanzo curtly, though his voice was still losing its usual flatness. "We really must hurry. The dawn is just a few hours away. We could've spent an hour for the drive, but we managed it in only twenty minutes. That was….very good…."

The proud monk fought the urge to bring his hand over his mouth, to stop the gagging attack from coming. It took him some time to finally regain his composure. Gojyo, on the other hand, seemed to need more time. Hakkai shot his two friends a wide-eyed worried look.

"I'm sorry… I'm really sorry… I didn't know it was that bad…."

Gojyo raised his hand in the air, stopping Hakkai for apologizing more. "Hah! Don't be sorry, Hakkai! I'm all right now. Though, I don't think your Hak Ryu is…"

It was true. After all the merciless humans got off, Hak Ryu instantly turned itself to its original form. He was lying senseless on the ground, eyes all blank, and whimpered a low, weak coo to let them know that it was, in fact, still alive. Again, Hakkai apologized to his dear companion.

"All right, enough resting," said Sanzo, at last. "Let's go."

"How do we get into the place?" asked Gojyo. "Should we hide and take on the enemy in silent?"

Staring at the sky, which was starting to bear the fading color of dark blue, Sanzo shook his head. "No. We don't have much time. Let's just surprise them and catch them off guard."

A wide, nasty grin quickly formed on Gojyo's face. "That'll do. Let's get crackin' then!"

The steep and narrow road leading up to the youkai base was deserted in such late hours. They ran upwards, to the mansion above, without much disturbance. All the while, Hakkai tried to calm his heart. It would be all right. It would be all right. They wouldn't kill Goku. The youkais didn't know they were coming.

The road ended in the front of a tall iron gate, guarded by a pair of youkais who seemed to be absorbed in the middle of a card game. They were sitting on the ground, laughing and talking, when they heard the sounds of running footsteps coming towards their direction. Both surprised, they reached for their weapons too late.

"Sanzo, you take the right! I take the left!" shouted Gojyo, with a definite tinge of excitement in his voice.

"Hakkai, the gate!" 

"Got it!"

They did it with a perfect harmony. As Gojyo and Sanzo immobilized the two guards, Hakkai shot his fiery energy beam to the gate, which immediately fell to the ground with a tremendous creaking and clanging sound. They all leaped over the breached gate, into the inner yard of the youkai base.

"That'll sure wake the whole place up," Gojyo chuckled.

"Which isn't good," interrupted Sanzo, frowning. "They'll all be out here, all of them. Let's get inside the mansion before we're blocked!"

But it was rather too late. Youkais were showing up from everywhere. Perhaps that Boushu Jin wasn't so stupid after all, Hakkai gritted his teeth. Perhaps he had suspected that they might come earlier for the boy. 

All current thoughts were washed out from his head when he had to face three sword-wielding youkais in the same time. His energy shot was just in time to strike them by the chest, before the swords swung down to his head. The swords fell clattering to the ground just below his feet. Not that it would do him any good, though, for Hakkai had never been familiar with sword-fighting. His energy shot worked wonderfully just as it was, perfect for striking distanced enemies and practical enough to block a short-ranged attack.

His mind was working systematically, going from one enemy to another. He was focusing hard on the battle, trying to bury the ever-growing fear in his chest deep within himself. Didn't need to think what he shouldn't think right now. Focus on the battle.

They were doing just fine, at first. Each of them was a menacing disaster for the enemy, with the ability of striking many youkais in the same time. Gojyo was practically enjoying himself. He laughed with a twisted delight when his Shakujou successfully tore apart the bodies of three youkais. Sanzo had managed to keep a safe zone around him, by shooting down each youkai who came within six feet away from him. 

But then, the front door of the mansion was slammed open. A silver haired youkai wearing a black cloak and black outfit stood in the doorway. He had the same dark complexion as Boushu Jin. And when he scanned his surrounding sharply, Hakkai noticed the same yellow eyes as well.

"Sanzo-sama," his voice was soft, almost melodious, "The chief has suspected that you might come tonight. He even deliberately put those two imbecile guards up front so that you wouldn't suspect anything. I'm not surprised to see that he's right, though. He is, after all, rarely wrong."

Kicking a youkai on the neck, Gojyo turned to look at the newcomer. "Oh, great, another stuck-up youkai who needs a good kick in the ass."

"I'm ecstatic that you know my name, youkai," greeted Sanzo with a tone that was far from being elated. "And you are….? One of Jin's flunkeys?"

The youkai obviously wasn't happy being associated with the word "flunkey". He hissed in deep anger at Sanzo. 

"You won't be able to talk like that once I'm done with you, worthless monk. My brother's right. The Goddess must have lost her mind to let a foul-mouthed bastard like you to hold such a precious thing as the Maten Kyoumon. It must have been the sutra that granted you the power to lay your filthy hand on my brother. If only I wasn't preoccupied that night, I would've gone to see you, instead of my brother. And if only Jin wasn't wounded from that last battle… he would be able to easily swat you like a fly. Now, hand me that sutra! You don't deserve it at all!"

Sanzo merely raised a brow. "And what makes you think that you do?"

The silver-haired youkai narrowed his yellow-slitted eyes. "It doesn't matter if we deserve it or not. That sutra will be put into a better use in our hands. Not even the Gyumao will be able to touch us if we use it. Now, hand it to me, filthy monk!"

"You're just as thick as your brother, youkai," said Sanzo matter-of-factly. "If the Gyumao is completely resurrected, even a sutra as powerful as this Maten Kyoumon won't be able to stop him if being used by the wrong hand. And the only one who can stop him from being fully resurrected, is _me_, like it or not. So why don't you bring Son Goku to me now and we will leave this base peacefully. As you can see for yourself, your people aren't quite able to face us."

"If we give you your monkey, you'll attack this base anyway."

Sanzo let out a nasty smirk. "Ah, so you're not as thick as I thought you were, after all. Though, I still think that your brother is."

Suddenly, as if there was an invisible charge of energy, a ball of powerful aura started to build up around the youkai. He balled his fists tightly beside his body, his thick veins began popping up in his neck. His hair was flowing in the air, as if the wind blew him from underneath. He shot a burning death-glare at Sanzo, unmistakably livid from Sanzo's last words.

"Nobody speaks of my brother that way!" the menacing-looking youkai growled loudly. "I, Boushu Ren, will no longer let you leave!"

Then, without further warning, he launched himself towards Sanzo. As if it was the cue for the other youkais to attack, they started appearing from inside the mansion, all howling their battle cry into the night air. Blasts of Sanzo's gun echoed through the entire mountain, but he failed to wound the raging Ren. Gojyo came to his rescue, blocking Ren's sword attack with his Shakujou, while Sanzo tried to blast the other youkais.

This wasn't good. Hakkai scanned his surrounding with great anxiety. This wasn't good at all. The youkais seemed to keep appearing from inside the mansion, like floods of ants running amok out of their nest. They couldn't fight all of them. They wouldn't have the time. What if Jin was already with Goku now, deciding that he had enough and killed the boy.

No!

Don't think that way.

Must find a way to get into the mansion unobstructed.

"Hakkai!" Sanzo shouted from between the attacks. "Go!"

Hakkai dodged a spear attack and turned a confused frown at the monk. "What did you say?"

"Just go! Get Goku out of here! We can't fight them all!"

Wide-eyed, Hakkai stared at his friend, disbelieving. Sanzo was letting him to go and get Goku? He never thought…. He thought that the monk was still furious at him. How could he let someone like Hakkai to go near Goku? Hakkai had thought that he would come to the youkai base to rescue Goku all right, but that was all. He didn't expect to be the one to _actually_ free the boy.

"Why me? Why don't you go for yourself?" he shouted back to Sanzo.

Gojyo intercepted their between-attacks conversation, groaning while he stabbed his weapon into a youkai's side. "Don't you see we're both busy here? Someone must go and get Goku before that blasted Jin kill him!"

"I know that! But why me, of all the people? Sanzo, it's probably better for you to go!"

At the moment, Sanzo was already preparing to chant his ultimate attack. The attack using the Maten Kyoumon! The monk shot him a softened look, while concentrating his energy.

"I'm the only one who can blast all of these enemies with one attack. It will be faster that way. You go and get the brat out of here."

Hakkai couldn't utter another question. He just stared at Sanzo, those questions flashing in his eyes. Sanzo understood them, understood his fear, his hesitation. He shot a steady, yet calming look, at the shaken Hakkai and smiled.

"Just go," was the only words coming out of Sanzo's mouth.

And Hakkai understood.

Sanzo had given the chance to Hakkai. The chance to recompense for his past. The past he had been regretting so. And the trust. He had given Hakkai his trust, that Hakkai would save his Son Goku from the enemy. That was enough for Hakkai, to eliminate all traces of doubt and hesitation. After all he had done, Sanzo still trusted him. After all he had done….

Ignoring the building swell of feeling inside his chest, Hakkai nodded slowly, deeply.

Then he leaped high into the air, way above the battle field, until he reached the topmost floor of the mansion and broke through a window.

Gojyo threw a nasty grin at his monk friend. "Hey, are you sure that's wise?"

"What is?"

"Are you ready to give Goku away? After tonight, after he rescue Goku, things might not be in favor for your sex life, you know?"

Crackling madly, Gojyo dodged the bullet that was shot to his head. That was pretty close, his left ear could hear the swishing sound of the zooming bullet. The corner of his eyes twitched with cold fear as his face paled considerably.

"O..oi… I was just joking, Sanzo…."

Not wanting to say anything, Sanzo went back to chanting his spell, though he didn't do it without a sadly, blushing face.

+ + + + + +

Floors after floors, rooms after rooms, he madly, desperately, trashed about in search for Son Goku. He was quick, oh yes, that was undoubtedly. For he had been focusing solely on finding the boy, not fighting the enemy. Youkai after youkai he passed and left, without wasting another precious second to deal with them.

Where was Goku?

Where were they keeping him?

Oh God, oh God, oh God…..

He remembered. Going from room to room, floor to floor, clawing and stabbing his way into the mansion. He was soaking wet, bathed in the blood of his enemy. One by one they came to him, only to fall lifelessly to the floor. Their blood, like a tribute they gave him as their conqueror, burnt like hell's fire on his skin. But he didn't care. He was heedless of anything else.

Kanan….

Where was Kanan?

Where were they keeping her?

Rooms by rooms, floors by floors. All passing by him like flashes of images, unreal, untouched, just outside the boundary of his sanity. It was dark as well. It was the night, a night that smelled like blood, that had been haunting him for the rest of his life.

The dungeon.

They kept her in the dungeon.

Instinctively, not really able to separate his past memory from reality, Hakkai searched for the stairs leading to the basement. He found it, in a huge, tall hall. The stairs, the stone stairs, were going down into a dim hallway. Without further delay, he jumped down, not really thinking about the risk of slipping on the steps and breaking his bones.

The hallway was dim, lighted only by the torch lights lined along the stone wall. Cold gust of wind, stale and mouldy smelling, greeted him the moment he started walking down the hall. He didn't hear any sound, couldn't sense the enemy existence. Down here, it was so quite. Too damn quite.

He didn't know where to go, unsure if it was even the right place. But he never stopped, not wanting to make any regretful delay. He passed some empty cells, dark and unoccupied, flinching with great fear at his prospect of ever finding Goku locked up in one of them.

Then there it was. He saw a large wooden door, slightly opened. _A trap_. That was the first word that came into his mind. Should he be a fool and go in or should he be a coward and stay out of it? Damn it! Damn, damn, damn…. He didn't have time to think now. What should he do?

A fool or a coward?

Which one should he be? Was it really even a question he could answer?

A fool or a coward.

Damn….

He burst into the room with such force that the wooden door slammed against the wall and shattered in the middle. As gallant as his entrance was, he couldn't keep it until the end. Not after he saw what was there, inside the big cell at the back of the room.

The boy. Lying on the floor. Not making a sound, not making a move. Fear gripped over Hakkai like a cold clawed hand that stuck its nails into his skin, almost paralyzing him. He smelled blood. And the rotten smell of something dead.

He whimpered in agony.

Oh God, oh God, oh God….

He swallowed hard, sweat was running down his trembling back. He dared to take a step closer to the cell, then another one, and another one. His legs were rioting. They wanted to stay frozen near the door, no matter how much Hakkai wanted to move. Oh God, oh God, oh God…. He concentrated all of his might only to step closer, while reminiscences of his past kept flashing in his eyes in the most terrible way.

When he was close enough, he could see that the boy was being chained. And that—from the heavy up-and-downs of his chest—he was still breathing. Thank God. Thank the Buddha!

Hakkai scrambled to the cell, searching for the lock. The boy stirred inside the cell. He let out a hoarse groan, so soft it was barely believable to come out from Goku. The boy fluttered his eyes open, blinking at Hakkai as if he couldn't see who he was.

Oh God…

The boy was going to see him. What if his first reaction was to scream in hatred? What if he would shrink away to the corner of the cell, disgusted at Hakkai? What if the boy would rather stay in this foul dungeon than to go with him. He was certain he wouldn't be able to bear it. What was Sanzo thinking, letting him to get Goku? Oh God…

"Hak…kai…?"

Hakkai gasped as he heard his name floated in the air. The voice, shaken and weak. It was Son Goku but not really Son Goku. There was no trace of hatred in it. Just a plain, flat—though rather quivering—voice. 

"Goku… It's…. it's me…," he managed to answer.

"Hakkai?" the voice sounded stronger now, as Goku seemed to regain his consciousness.

"Are you all right, Goku?"

What was he asking? Of course the boy was _not_ all right. He was obviously badly wounded. And the fact that he just recovered from unconsciousness was another sign that he wasn't all right. And…, he remembered, and after what he had done to him….

"You're here to save me?" asked the boy, now crawling closer to the bars.

"Yes…"

The boy was now kneeling exactly behind the bars. His hands gripped the rusting, iron poles, eyes staring at Hakkai deeply. Afraid to look into the boy's eyes, Hakkai concentrated in opening the lock.

"You're here. To save me," repeated the boy, with a tone strange to Hakkai's ears.

Still avoiding the boy's stare, Hakkai stood up abruptly. "Would you move aside, Goku? I'll have to blast the lock away."

The boy did what he told. _Don't think of anything else now. _He said to himself. _Just get him out of here. Hurry._ He concentrated his energy into the balls of his hands. He focused on the lock at the cell door, measuring his power adequately for he didn't want to blast the entire cell and risk Goku's safety.

"Hakkai!!"

The boy screamed. Hakkai jerked in surprise, staring wide-eyed at him. But the boy wasn't staring at him anymore. He pointed at somewhere behind Hakkai. It was only a fraction of second before he saw Goku's mouth opened in another scream.

A scream he couldn't hear because at the moment he spun around in reflex and saw the blazing yellow sphere zooming towards him, before hitting him in the chest.

*****TBC*****

**yoong's A/N: **What? Another cliffhanger? We're so evil to leave you in such desperate end. smirk Poor Goku, got injured badly like that, and I'm the one to claim that he's my favourite character! Have I told you that I'm a sadist? laugh Again, don't worry with Hakkai and Goku's fate, I clearly mentioned in my plot that they would be together in the ending, but how? You've got to wait and see! 

**Sumeragi Sakura's Little Note:**

Hmm…. Boushu Ren…. I'm sorry but I couldn't help not to put him in the story. Jin's brother. Hmm… Excuse me, but the image of Jin and Ren together in my head is so damn sexy! I wish you could've seen it. Or maybe if I did describe them well enough, you _can_ see it. I hope I did. Sorry about the cliffie, though. But it's necessary, to keep you waiting for the next chapter ^__~ *gets kicked by the readers* By the way did anyone notice Sanzo said this, "_So why don't you bring Son Goku to me now and we will leave this base peacefully_"? _Bring_ _Son Goku to me._ And you'll ask, "But this is a Hakkai/Goku fic right? Right?" Ooh, I'm such a strange, evil woman…. *chuckling like mad*


	10. Desperation

**Disclaimer:** Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..

**Warning: **Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted **angsty** plot and **sexual abuse content**. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.****

**Heal the Healer**

A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki 

Plotter: Yoong

Writer: Sumeragi Sakura yami_no_tsubasa@otakumail.com 

**Part X: Desperation**

** Son Goku watched in horror when the youkai magic hit Hakkai squarely on the chest. He could feel his mouth opening, yet didn't hear anything coming out of it. Hakkai, half unconscious from the pain and the shock, was thrown on his back to the hard iron bars, sending the bars to reverberate in Goku's gripping hands. Hakkai's battered body slid senselessly to the stinking dungeon floor.**

"No….," was feebly choked out of Goku's mouth, as painfully as if he had to literally pull the words from his throat.

He scrambled to Hakkai, hands reaching out from between the iron bars. He clutched the man tightly, checking for signs of life, immensely irritated with the cell bars that stood in the way. The chains binding his limbs rattled as they were grazed over the bars.

"Hak….kai….."

"It's no use, boy, no one could survive a direct blow of my magic to the heart," said the voice from the door.

Fuck the voice. All he cared about was the safety of his unconscious friend. He wouldn't believe anything that voice said. Nothing. He tried to reach for Hakkai's face, turning it so he could see it. His monocle was gone, probably shattered from the blow. The face looked pale, but Goku had strongly denied in his heart that his friend was dead.

_His friend_. Yes, that was his first thought. He didn't remember anything about that…that… incident…. the one which made Goku ran out of the inn in the first place. He did now, though. He knew, he should've still been angry to this man. Even after he was captured, he was dreading the possibility of this man coming to rescue him. 

As if fate was trying to pull a sick joke on him, Hakkai _did _come to rescue him.

And now…. Now having the person he had been hating for a few days lying here in his arms, unconscious, Goku couldn't bring himself to really hate him. Not now. Perhaps he would later, if they got out of here. If all of this had passed. 

But would they get out of here?

Of course. Hakkai was here to save him, right? So, somewhere in this god-forsaken place, Sanzo and Gojyo must have been looking for him too. Suddenly getting an enormous confident boost, Goku leapt to his feet and began kicking at the cell bars. 

"BASTARD! GEMME OUTTA HERE, YOU STINKIN' SLIMY YOUKAI!!!" 

Jin, who was starting to walk into the room, raised his brows at this sudden display of wrath.

"Calling me stinking and slimy won't certainly make you get what you want, foolish monkey."

He stood looming over the motionless figure of Hakkai. He gave a loud scoff, as if he thought the whole situation was, somehow, hilarious. 

"What was this stupid sort trying to do by coming here. Surely he couldn't possibly be thinking that he would defeat me, in any way? Me, Boushu Jin, the leader of the mighty Kyogei Rhyaku, would lose against this…this…common man. Even Genjo Sanzo couldn't kill an injured me. Hmph…"

Using the tip of his leather-booted feet, he kicked Hakkai to the other side of the room, away from the cell bars. Then again, and again, and again, until Jin was satisfied to know that Hakkai wouldn't regain consciousness so quickly. Goku went on a rampage watching his friend being treated like garbage. He shouted curses and swearings while kicking at the stubbornly strong bars. Jin's lips were up curled in a bemused sort of way at some of the curses.

"Oh, really?" he asked. "And how do you suppose you are going to do all those things to me while I'm _out here _and you're _in there_?"

He chuckled merrily. "Sanzo-sama really has many interesting friends. Weak, yes, but interesting nonetheless. Hey, monkey, do you know that your foul-mouthed monk is out there right now? He's facing my brother, whose physical power is even stronger than me. He might as well just give away that blasted sutra so we all can go on with our duties."

"Sanzo will never give you his sutra, you bastard!" spat Goku, who was more than angry now.

"Oh, but he will. He's here, isn't he? He won't be able to win this time. He's not going to survive both Ren and I. We've come a long way up until now not to be easily defeated by a corrupted monk like him."

He gave the last kick to Hakkai's stomach, before pulling his neck up and shoved him against the wall opposite of the cell. The sound of cracking bones echoed through the stale air of the dungeon, meddled with the desperate screaming coming from Goku.

Anger, frustrated anger, choked painfully in Goku's throat while he watched Hakkai being mercilessly tortured before his eyes. Blood was trickling down his blistered hands, which he injured by hitting on the cell bars repeatedly. He could no longer feel pain, for his mind was numbed with blind fury. Even the chains cutting the skin on his limbs had stopped hurting him. 

Jin stalked over to the cell, black robe and cloak billowing graciously around his leather-clad body. Goku didn't stir an inch, determined to show his captor that he wasn't afraid of him even a bit. Jin stooped over him, tall as he was, with his hands leaned on the bars. His black hair fell down the both sides of his face, like dark curtains closing ever slowly. His ill-humored smirk was gone, replaced with a stern set on the thin lips. His eyes, gleaming dark yellow in the dim of the cell, were sharply fixated on Goku's.

"We will win, monkey boy," his voice the icy coolness of frost, "and the world will see who deserves the power then. Seventeen years. Seventeen years it took me to build Kyogei Rhyaku from scratch. Ren and I, we gathered the straying youkais, sheltered them and trained them how to depend themselves out there. Against the humans. The humans, they think of us as scums, a failure the God made in creating the world. We were all shunned aside like monsters. We gathered all those strays and we formed our own tribe. In which we live like normal creatures, with respect to each other. We were strong, even when we were just a bunch of youkais trying to survive.

"When more youkais joined us, we were already bigger than any youkai tribe ever exists in the world. People fear us. They respect us, although the respect comes out of fear. But no one treats us like scums anymore."

Then, the yellow-slitted eyes began to burn with intensity Goku knew impossible to do with human eyes. He was wondering, why was this youkai telling him this. He didn't want to hear this. He wanted out, he wanted Hakkai to be safe. He wanted to see Sanzo and Gojyo again.

Damn it!

"We were kings in Middle Togenkyou, and we still are. I bring my people riches and glory and respect they deserve everywhere we go. We're not even minding the humans who used to mistreat us. For once, we can taste the luxury of living in total freedom. 

"But only until that bitch Gyokumen Koushu started the movement to resurrect Gyumaoh. Our peace has been interrupted, jeopardized ever since. I need more power, much more power, to keep my people away from the resurrecting influence. We're the only youkai tribe who's still surviving against them. We watch the other youkai falling, losing themselves to madness. You won't _ever_ understand, boy, how does it feel to see your own kind ruined to oblivion without knowing how to stop it. Kougaiji's hordes have been suppressing us from all sides, but we're still surviving. Then I heard of your infamous, filthy monk. This…this supposedly _holy_ monk who has been given a blessing by the Goddess Herself to bring peace to this world. But I've heard and seen it from myself, while we scouted your little group from afar, that you are, in fact, no better than the Gyokumen Koushu herself. How can someone as immoral and corrupted as your Sanzo be given such a blessing from the Goddess? The world must have gone mad! Moreover, how can a human—a mere _human_—who is the worst kind of the rest of those who have shunted us away, can easily stand up to the power of the Gyumaoh, while we can not?"

"Such madness must be stop," hissed Boushu Jin viciously. "I won't let my people to suffer more than they have been. How unfair this whole thing is! People like you won't be able to fight the Gyumaoh. I'm not going to risk losing my people, and a powerful weapon such as the Maten Kyomon, just because the Goddess has gone insane. I _will_ have the sutra. I _will _protect my people!" 

"Sanzo _will_ defeat the Gyumaoh! And he will first defeat _you!_" howled Goku furiously. "There's no way he will lose to the likes of you! Saving your people, my ass! You only want to save yourself from the humiliation if you can't protect your people! You're acting superior while you're nothing more than a coward!"

Jin banged on the bars, his eyes scorching heatedly at Goku. "_What_ did you say?!"

"COWARD! You're a coward! Your people are out there fighting the ones who are actually on your side! And you let them be, sacrificing themselves for your personal interest, for saving your won ass, while you could've led them to fight side by side with us, against the Gyumaoh! If Sanzo has to kill them, it's only because of you!"

"We are _not_ going to fight alongside with lowlifes like you!"

"We're not lowlifes! _You_ are! There isn't anyone else who deserves the Goddess' blessing but Genjo Sanzo!!"

Jin was shaking from head to toe. His head didn't want to hear what his ears were making him listen. He would not let such impertinence, such insult, to go by unpunished. Rage hadn't only blinded him from his own rational thinking, but had forced him to yield to his own youkai's beastly nature. He growled, growled so loud and feral that it sounded like a mad animal's. He shot his hand inside the cell, between the bars, and grabbed the wretch by the hair. He pulled the boy until he was slammed against the bars. Then with a louder, madder, growl he stabbed his other clawed hand into the boy's stomach, throughout the back, splattering thick blood all over the cell.

+ + + + +

Goku dropped to his knees. A sudden, sharper pain—far more painful than he had been feeling—struck him senseless. He could hear the horrible growl his captor made. A growl tainted with ache, hatred and fear. Yes, even on the brink of the mind-numbing unconsciousness, he could still hear that hidden fright that Goku's words were probably right.

But it didn't matter anymore to him. Nothing did.

The world had gone under a strained stretch of time, as if someone somewhere had slowed down the clock, for everything seemed to be happening in a dragging sort of way. He looked down, watching in silence as blood was surging out of his body. He watched it, as if fascinated to see so much blood coming out of him. Something in the back of his head informed him that he should've felt the pain anytime now. He had a sudden urge to laugh. Pain? What pain? He could barely even feel his body.

He looked up, seeing the monster who had just attacked him. A bemused look was upon the monster's face. Jin was really glad that he had wounded Goku this terribly. A question popped into Goku's mind. Would everybody feel the way this monster did? Would everybody be happy too if he died?

He thought of Sanzo. Of the grumpy, cranky man who had often told him that life would be so much fun and quieter without Goku pestering him about food all the time. Then he thought of Gojyo, who would probably grin in mad delights to see him go.

Then he thought of Hakkai.

As his mind tried to imagine how Hakkai would react, his head was instinctively raised, eyes searching for the unconscious body lying across the room. The man was sitting on the floor, his back glued to the wall, leaving a trail of blood from the place where Jin had thrown him. At first Goku thought Hakkai was already dead. He wondered why he could think of it as casually as he did. His head must have gone numb too.

But Hakkai hadn't been dead. The man stared at him from across the room, eyes wide with terror, mouth opened in a silent scream. Such a terrible, terrible mask of expression Goku had never seen on Hakkai's face. Of agony. Of despair. Of the gruesome combination of those two. It went straight into Goku's heart, along with a dawning of understanding that always came too late. Goku understood then. Somewhere, in the blurry mess of his mind right now, he once felt it too. Sometime in his unrecalled past, that he had never succeeded to remember before, he had too felt that desperate feeling of losing. At once, he realized just how much he meant to Hakkai. How important his existence was to the man. In that slow-motioned, silent world, a thread was stretched between both of them. Connecting each of them to the other, invisible to human senses.

He knew, then, that Hakkai needed him as much as he needed the air to breath. He was the only thread that kept Hakkai alive all through the long suffering. That deep a feeling he had never come to realize, only until too late. And the last thing they had talked about was how Hakkai had let _him_ down. How he bellowed his rage that Hakkai had betrayed their friendship.

How foolish it was of him. He had never thought how wrongly mistaken he was. Oh God, how much had he hurt the man's heart by such accusations? His ignorance of Hakkai's feeling had served him right. _This_ was his karma. This was his punishment. He had to go now. Leaving the person, who actually needed him, behind without having the chance to say that he was wrong.

That he understood now.

That he was sorry.

+ + + + +

He had survived through the first magic attack. Even though the pain was undoubtedly excruciating, he survived it. Even though his upper body had suddenly lost its ability to move; though his heart had undergone an almost lethal jolt of shock; though his senses were taken away from him momentarily that at some point he had really thought he was already dead; he survived.

He also survived the furious kicking he received with his stomach, which made him feel as if he was going to vomit all of his inner organs.

He also survived the violent drag on the neck, which caused him several minutes of oxygen-less torment. He also survived when the youkai threw him against the wall. He felt his body was torn in two, and the pain had rendered him unconscious again, but he survived. In that half-conscious moment, even his highly-educated brain had marveled about the amazing durability human body had. 

But as he realized how human body could sustain even the harshest physical torture, he knew that the mind wasn't as strong. That was why he didn't wonder, as he witnessed the very person he held so dear in his heart, was being killed, he felt his sanity was slipping away. 

Something broke inside of him, snapped and crushed into little pieces; irredeemable to repair. The demon in him had awakened once more, and this time it looked like there was no turning back. 

He could only recall vaguely how he leapt to his feet—that was, if those were really his feet. He didn't feel like he own his body anymore. He was just this tiny little existence, taking up some small space in the head of this thing who called himself [Cho Hakkai]. He saw his own hands reaching out to the youkai, but couldn't remember if he really moved them or not. Those hands spun the youkai around. The youkai stared at him, with an expression that could only be defined as frightened. He saw those hands move again, this time one of the palms was flattened over the youkai's face, while the other one was holding him down. His foggy head could indistinctively felt a gathering of energy somewhere in his body. In the hand, perhaps, thought his logical mind. Then he watched, emotionless, as pure energy blasted from his hand, piercing through the thick skull of the youkai and shot far back across the room.

What he had done with the lifeless youkai afterwards, he couldn't really remember. It was because his eyes were immediately nailed to another prostate body lying on the floor, behind the cell bars. He knew he approached the cell. He knew he put his hands around the bars and pulled them off until they bent and broke. He remembered going inside the cell, picked up that cold body into his arms and everything had once again blurred out.

+ + + + +

"DAMN IT! Where do you think they keep the boy, Sanzo?"

Gojyo was positively at lost. He was standing in the middle of a very large foyer, somewhere in the middle of the mansion. He scratched his non-itchy head, while looking around for any helpful sign. A nice, little sign board with a direction of where they should be going, would be more than welcomed, he thought. But of course, that was just some silliness his head made up out of frustration.

The mansion was _humongous_. There was no other word to describe it. It wasn't a surprise, though, since the hundreds and hundreds of youkais they had killed just now must all be living here. They couldn't just roam around and check every room. Besides, even though they have wrecked most of the Kyougei Rhyaku's power, there could still be some youkais hiding somewhere in this place. And from the look of it, they wouldn't survive the next major battle.

Sanzo came up behind Gojyo. It took him longer to follow the kappa around in their desperate attempt to search Goku. Sanzo had spent most of his energy by using Maten Kyoumon consecutively until he destroyed half of the youkai tribe. Gojyo took care of the rest. But still, the hardest part was when Sanzo had to deal with Boushu Ren himself. That youkai was quite powerful and as stubborn as hell that he'd rather die than to surrender to a human being.

Unfortunately for him, Sanzo was also one stubborn prick. One of the worst cases in the world, in fact. He had left Ren as a twitching heap of flesh—still alive, but just barely. He was determined not to kill Ren just because Ren had asked him to do so. Even the minions of the devil had more forgiving hearts than the immoral monk.

They could say that they were victorious, though—obviously—not unscathed. Gojyo had a nasty cut over his torso, among other minor wounds, that would positively leave a nice, long scar. Perfect to impress the ladies in the taverns; giving him a chance to boast how he had slain a mansionful of youkais. While Sanzo sported gushing stab wounds in several places of his lean frame, caused by the very sword of Ren. Plus, his a-week-old wound on the waist was starting to throb again. That turned him cranky and bitchy all over again.

"There are some stairs up there," Gojyo pointed at the two stairs; one leading up and the other one leading down. "Okay, I'll go up and you go down. Let's check the whole floors."

Sanzo let out a dangerous growl. Gojyo turned and raised a brow at the monk. 

"What? I'm hurt too, you know! Don't whine, Sanzo, it's so not becoming."

"How many wounds did you get?" Sanzo scanned his friend's body, eyes narrowed, determined to leave the most work to Gojyo.

Gojyo rolled his eyes. "What the hell are you thinking? Come on, we've got to find the monkey. And Hakkai too. Where _is_ he? I haven't seen any sign of him since he left us. Do you think that he got lost somewhere in here and…"

It was then that they heard the horrifying scream. They both went tense and alert all of a sudden. Sanzo's first guess was that it was a howl of some sort of animal, for it didn't strike him as something human. What was it? A wolf? No, it was deeper than a wolf's. A bear? But a bear wouldn't howl that long. 

He was starting to doubt that it even belonged to an animal. Animal's sound wouldn't give him that prickling sensation all over his skin, or the spine-chilling cold. But to believe it was coming from human was not a prospect he liked to know. What kind of a human who could make a sound as hideous as that?

"It's coming from downstairs," said Gojyo, keenly listening with all his might. Something tucked his guts in a terrible way. "Oh God… Oh no…. Sanzo, we must hurry. Let's go down!"

Sanzo followed the red-haired man down the stone stairs, all the way cursing the pain caused by his wounds. They arrived in a dimly lit hallway that smelled strongly of mould and decaying carcass. A dungeon, from the look of it. _Let's just hope that the decaying smell comes from rats' carcasses_, he told himself.

Gojyo seemed to know something about the awful scream. He was running down the hallway, following the sound of the scream. Down here, the scream sounded much louder, and much more hair-rising. Every step they took brought them closer and closer that the scream had begun to be unbearably loud.

They saw a door, half-closed. Without saying anything, they both kicked it open. Gojyo ran into the room, followed closely by a very wary Sanzo. Then they saw it. The body of Boushu Jin, whose face was ruined beyond recognition. They could tell it was the youkai leader from the dark skin, the black hair and the lean figure. Beyond the body, there was the cell. The dark, blood-smelling cell. _Death-smelling_. 

Gojyo stopped abruptly just outside the cell. His eyes found what he feared he would find. He brought his hand over his mouth, trying to stifle a moan. Oh God. They were too late. Goku had…. And Hakkai…

Hakkai….

It was the same [Hakkai] Gojyo had seen running amok in the forest before. His face bore an expression that wasn't human. The eyes, blurry and empty, looked as if they were only glassy surfaces, useless for anything. His mouth, opened wide, was letting out the scream they first heard from upstairs.

The creature that took over Cho Hakkai was holding a smaller body in his hands, stiff and motionless as a rock. Oh God…. _Don't let it be…. Don't, God, just don't…._

Sanzo walked past him without saying anything. He rushed into the cell, totally ignoring all the wounds that must have been stinging him like hell. He looked into [Hakkai]'s eyes, in the same way as he looked into the bear that broke into the temple's yard years and years ago when he was still a child. It was the only way he knew how to talk to a 'beast'. And it worked.

[Hakkai] let him take Goku's body. [Hakkai] then went into a quivering curl on the floor, by the pool of Goku's blood, and started to whimper violently. Sanzo ignored him for a while, as his attention fell on the boy whom he once saved. The boy's face was as pale as a corpse. Methodically, Sanzo checked for a pulse, unaware of the frustrated prayer he pleaded himself in his heart. If that blasted Goddess had decided to make Herself useful, now would be a very nice time to do so, he thought.

Seconds passed. 

A few most frightening, despairing seconds in the world passed.

And he found a pulse.

It was weak, very weak, so weak he almost missed it. But it was there. Slowly repeating itself. It was definitely a pulse.

Unashamedly, Sanzo held the boy even tighter in his arms. He didn't care what Gojyo would say later when he bent down to kiss the boy on the forehead. A choke of sob escaped his lips, and he let it for a while, allowing himself to drift in a blissful relief, before then steeling himself.

"He's alive," he said to Gojyo. "But won't be for long if we don't do something."

He heard a rustling sound from behind him and had a mental image of Gojyo sliding to the floor in a great relief. He didn't waste time to look. He reached a hand to touch the ruined [Hakkai] who was still whimpering on the floor.

[Hakkai] raised his head—afraid—looking at Sanzo with a face stained with tears and blood. Sanzo touched a finger on [Hakkai]'s forehead, then chanted a purifying incantation softly under his breath. At the end of the incantation, he channeled some of the little energy he had left in his body.

Gojyo watched in utter silence what Sanzo was doing. A purifying spell, of course, he knew that. So Sanzo was going to tame whatever 'thing' that had taken over Hakkai and set him free. [Hakkai] fell backwards the instant Sanzo's incantation was over. The one who got up again after a few minutes was the Cho Hakkai they all knew.

"Goku….. Goku……," sobbed Hakkai in agony, reaching out for the boy huddled closely in Sanzo's arms.

"He's alive," Sanzo tried to comfort him, as much as a Genjo Sanzo could do to comfort others. "But only if you heal him. Now stop that useless sniveling and _do_ heal him before he actually dies."

*****TBC*****

**yoong's A/N: **Whaaaa~ I really feel pity for Jin. In my opinion, he had the right and reason to hate Sanzo. Yet, he really did a big mistake, confronting the most hardheaded team of Sanzo-ikkou with such cheap method. That's a villain's fate, so don't blame us, ne? Eventually, we're through with the angst mode (sighs of relief coming from readers) now, get ready for the final chapter in ROMANTIC mode plus a little comedy in the ending scene. What? You want LEMON? I can't promise anything here, my part in plot making is done. It's left to Sakura. You have to bombard her with your request, okay?

**Sumeragi Sakura's Little Note:**

God, that _was_ dark. One of the darkest scene I've ever written in this fic, I think. I've read the plot Yoong gave me over and over again before writing each chapter, and still I can't stop being amazed at how bleak and twisted this story is. Well, I hope you enjoyed it! ^__^ No, no, this story isn't finished yet. One more chapter to go. Please sit tight and read how they're going to solve all those problems. And mind you, the last chapter is a reward for the 10 angsty chapters you've all gone through! ^____^


	11. Healing

****

Disclaimer: Gensomaden Saiyuki and its characters belong to Minekura-sensei. We've done nothing to gain profit from this little fic. Well, nothing financial that is, just the rippling warmth in our hearts when we set these guys in yaoi scenes…..

Warning: Before you read it, please be warned that this fic has a very dark tone with twisted **angsty** plot and **sexual abuse content**. Don't read if you don't have a heart to read these kinds of stuff or to see the characters in distress and pain.

****

Heal the Healer

A fanfiction of Gensomaden Saiyuki

Plotter: Yoong

Writer: Sumeragi Sakura snape_slut@yahoo.com 

****

Part XI : Healing

The inn was dead still. And so was the night. It was one of those hours when insane people were already deep in their peaceful slumbers, that even the slightest swoosh of wind sounded like a distant typhoon. It was in one of those hours that Gojyo walked into the dark tavern, empty of its usual patrons except for one familiar figure sitting by the bar.

Gojyo sauntered to the bar, deliberately making some sounds for the person sitting by the bar to hear his coming. If the person did hear him come, he didn't show it, though. With a loud sigh, Gojyo dropped his weary body on the stool next to him.

"Bartender," whined Gojyo to the empty space behind the bar, "give me your heaviest rum, please."

Silence.

The person next to him poured some sake into the used glass in front of him and passed it to Gojyo. 

"Rum is out. Just settle with this." 

Gojyo shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, if that can't be helped…."

In one big, sloshing gulp, he downed all the sake. Sighing again, he put the glass back to the bar table. He took the cigarette box lying on the table, next to his empty glass and lit one. Puffs of white smoke slithering in the air, like a white transparent snake with no apparent shape. The person next to him was very quiet.

It had been a week since that incident. Incident, he scoffed. That was a terrible understatement. They could have been killed. They could have lost the sutra. They could have been forced to quit their journey and return to their usual petty lives.

One week ago. It sure felt like a year. And their journey was still far from being over. Damn it, they hadn't even seen the end of it. This kind of…incident… would surely find them again in the future. Really, this was getting so tiresome….

"I just got back from upstairs," he started. "He still doesn't want to touch his dinner. If this goes on, he won't be able to do as much as sitting around."

Silence.

"Hn.."

Gojyo continued. "He refuses to sleep, refuses to go. He doesn't want me to take his place. This has been going on for a week. I thought he's going to give up some time, but from the look of it, he'd rather kill himself than to leave the room."

Another silence. "Hn…"

Gojyo took the sake bottle and pour a glassful for himself. "You haven't been up there for three days."

"So?"

"You're actually really worried, aren't you, Sanzo?"

Sanzo stared absent-mindedly at the curls of smoke he made himself. His breath was slowly dragged, as if he wasn't really intending to breathe. His eyes were half-lidded, partly from the alcohol, partly from the lack of sleep he didn't want to claim he'd been having.

One week. It had been one week.

"I've asked around about that Kyougei Rhyaku gang," he said, trying to change the subject. "They've been around for quite a long time. It started as a small band of youkais, led by those Boushu brothers. But later on, more youkais joined them until they become that large. They claim the Middle Togenkyou as their territory and that no other youkai tribe is allowed to trespass. People around here have always been afraid of them, if not resenting them. They don't come to towns often, except for buying vital supplies. They're at large not causing the humans any trouble. They seem to avoid humans much and have been successful at that."

Gojyo took a silent glance at his friend. He knew Sanzo was averting the topic he wanted to talk to him about. Hell, he'd been down here in the bar for the last three days, avoiding their current situation. But Gojyo let him talk for now. The man looked very much troubled—though he wouldn't admit it, ever—that Gojyo thought it might do some good to let him speak whatever thought he's been thinking all this time.

"You know, when that Gyokumen Koushu woman started the movement of resurrecting Gyumaoh, youkais all over Togenkyou also started to behave like monsters. It's because of the minus wave from the resurrection process. The wave does something to youkais' minds and changed them. Those whom we have been fighting all this time were the same brain-dead youkais. They're being used by that Gyumaoh's mistress and his son, Kougaiji to eliminate us."

"But those Kyougei Rhyaku youkais seem different," interrupted Gojyo, frowning. "They don't seem as brain-dead as the ones we usually fight against."

"That's because their leader has been using his magical power to avoid the minus wave from corrupting their minds. It seemed like it was going to work just fine for them. But that mistress, knowing that there's a tribe of youkais rebelling against her will, sent Kougaiji to suppress the tribe and force her influence over them. That's why they want the Maten Kyomon. They want to use it as a source of power to go against the Gyumaoh' people. Foolish youkais. They're only thinking about the survival of their own tribe. They forgot that even though they do have Maten Kyomon in their hands, once the Gyumaoh's fully revived, nothing else is going to survive, including them. Stupid bastards…"

"How do you know about this? Come on, don't tell me you learn all that just by asking around."

Sanzo narrowed his eyes irritably, not at Gojyo, but at the dark, empty bar in front of him. "I asked those three self-important geezers through meditation."

Gojyo couldn't help not to chuckle at the tone Sanzo used to refer the Three Buddhas. After all, he thought to himself, only a Genjo Sanzo could call those divinities as 'geezers' and lived. 

"I'm glad you find me so amusing, Gojyo."

"Sorry…it's not everyday I hear someone talk that way about the Three Buddhas," Gojyo calmed himself, running a hand over his gorgeous—or so he thought himself—magenta hair. "How about the remains of that Kyougei Rhyaku? Now that their leader is dead, do they still exist?"

"Last I heard, that moron Ren managed to gather the rest of the surviving youkais. I also heard that he's holding a deep grudge against me and will be planning to skin my ass to avenge his brother."

Gojyo chuckled again. "Speaking about your ass, when are you going to go and check on your monkey boy?"

Sanzo frowned furiously. "That doesn't have anything to do with my ass."

"Well, in a way it does," Gojyo smiled playfully. "No, actually I've been trying to talk to you about it and you've been avoiding it like hell. I'm pretty desperate to try anything now."

"I'm not going upstairs."

Gojyo raised his brows at the quick response. He'd had a whole speech prepared to convince the holy monk to drop the sulking mode. He was going to force Sanzo, no matter how, to swallow his pride and for once check on Goku. The man wasn't looking very well either since they return back to the inn, so Gojyo thought seeing Goku might do him a good change.

But the brief, curt answer Sanzo gave just now sounded awfully stubborn.

"Why not?"

"There's no use."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I meant."

"No, not really. Elaborate."

Sanzo sighed wearily. He didn't like having to explain himself. He didn't like other people to nose around his personal problems. Or feelings, if he had any. But he'd been avoiding Gojyo for the last three days and their game of chase had started to grow bothersome.

"I have no place in the boy's life now," he hated his own voice when he said that. That sounded so much like…pouting.

"What do you mean? That's Goku, the boy you took under your care. He's been looking up to you like a puppy to his owner all this time. Of course you have a place in his life."

"Not after this."

Gojyo sobered up. "This thing about Hakkai, you mean?"

"Just leave me alone, Gojyo."

"No. I'm tired of seeing you sulk. I'm tired of seeing Hakkai lose himself. I want to talk, okay? Gods….. Even the girls in the pub are starting to irritate me…."

"Is that why you're here trying to annoy me?"

"More or so."

"Well, it works," Sanzo scowled. 

Sanzo took another cig out of his pack and blew it furiously. Gojyo raised a brow at him. _Careful now, Sha Gojyo…_

"You think that the boy won't be needing you anymore?" he asked softly. "That there's Hakkai and that it bothers you so much to see them that you're not going to check on them upstairs."

Sanzo gritted his teeth, clamming his cig between his jaws. "One of these days, I should kick your ass for not nosing around other people's life, Gojyo."

"Well, it's my life too, you know. I mean… Hakkai…and I… we…uh…"

Sanzo knew what had been happening between those two. But it was so much fun seeing the fluently speaking Gojyo to stutter this way when he refers to his long relationship with Hakkai. So Sanzo kept quiet, not intending to be helpful at all.

"Well, you know how…close… Hakkai and I have been all these years…."

Sanzo grew impatient. "For hell's sake, Gojyo, you're fucking him. Just say so."

"Actually, no, Sanzo. I don't just _fuck_ him."

At this, Sanzo turned his head at his friend with curious surprise. "Why do I find that a little bit unconvincing?"

"Believe what you want," the red head shrugged. "That's just me. I fuck everyone around me except the ones I really care. Especially the one I have feelings for."

"I'm shocked to know that you care for me, since we haven't fucked."

"Oh, bite me, Sanzo."

"You're as avoidant as what you claim me to be."

Gojyo gave a mirthless chuckle. "I guess I am. So, what are we going to do now? Both of the people we care about are upstairs, torturing themselves."

"Mine isn't."

Gojyo widened his eyes and almost laughed. Sanzo had just admitted that he cared about Goku, just now. It was a big progress, for Sanzo at least. Meanwhile Sanzo, who realized Gojyo's stare at himself, bent his face down and pretended to be really interested of his cigarette box. He wished that Gojyo wouldn't notice the shift of color his face was currently undergoing.

"Anyway, as I was saying, what should we do now?" Gojyo repeated his question, trying to suppress the upcoming laughter that threatened to burst out as he saw how Sanzo was blushing.

"What _can_ we do? The only one who can heal Goku is obviously Hakkai and the only thing that can heal Hakkai is if Goku would forgive him. We're both useless to them this time. I told you, I'm not going to go upstairs until this matter is settled."

From the look of it, thought Gojyo, he seemed as if he didn't want to see either Goku or Hakkai ever again. Gojyo was supposed to tell him to do the otherwise, but couldn't, because he understood Sanzo's feeling. He understood it all too well. They were, after all, standing in the same place.

"So, are you saying that we should just sit here and do nothing?" he asked.

Sanzo poured the sake for himself and drank it. "There's alcohol. Great stuff to drown into."

"Right. And that cig of yours. Excellent for prolonged suicides."

"That's right."

"With enough supply of alcohol and smoke, we'll be all right."

"Positively."

Gojyo poured the sake again and raised the glass. "Here's to us."

Once he downed the burning liquid, he set the glass to the table again. He turned to Sanzo, wrapping his arm around the monk's shoulder. He leant close to Sanzo's ear and nuzzled the hair.

"You know what a great way to spend the time, Sanzo?" purred Gojyo. "How about you and I get together and find a quiet room upstairs. I'll show you what I can do to make you feel…"

SMACK!

The next thing that Gojyo saw was that blasted holy fan zooming towards his face and bright yellow stars dancing in his eyes.

"Not in a million year, perverted kappa, not in a million year."

Sighing wearily, and irritably, Sanzo returned to his currently favorite activity; staring into the darkness and sulk the night away. 

+ + + + + +

The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was the bleak and dark ceiling hanging above his bed. Not that it mattered. Nothing seemed to matter. He felt as if he was drowned inside a big, blurry bubble. He could feel the floating and drowning sensation trickling through his skin slowly. The world around him had that surrealistic quality that dreams always have. 

_Is this a dream, then?_

He heard his own voice in his head, asking a question that he didn't know the answer of. Opening his eyes was one long and troublesome business. He intended to look around but he wondered how long it would take to be done. He tried, anyway. Slowly, as if he was afraid that his sudden movement would burst the bubble that he felt was still enveloping him. 

He turned his head to the side. His eyes slowly followed the movement until they sunk into the sight of a very familiar figure. Something in his mind registered that it felt like a dejavu. That he experienced this before. Then he remembered. This wasn't the first time he was awake. He had been tossed and turned between unconsciousness and half-consciousness during the whole time. He remembered the occasional visits from Gojyo. He couldn't remember whether Sanzo visited him or not, but one thing that hadn't changed through out the whole time. That this forlorn figure had always been sitting by his bed.

He recalled that sometimes in the nights he was awakened by his own shivering body. That man would always hold his hand and transferred a soothing magic through the touch. He still remembered the warmth the touch gave him. It felt nice. It felt comfortable. It felt like home.

How long had he been unconscious? How long had the man stayed here by his side?

He remembered the dungeon. He remembered being locked up in a cell. He remembered the man coming to rescue him. He remembered the sharp gust of pain stabbing his stomach. He remembered the horrified look on the man's face when his blood splattered on the wall of the cell. He remembered falling like a dead stone to the floor.

And he remembered the regret he had when he saw the man for the last time before he fainted. Now that he was awake, he wanted to say all those things he realized only too late. He tried to sit up but fell back to the bed as soon as his body left the mattress.

The man sitting by the bed stood up abruptly, causing the chair he had been sitting on to tumble over to the floor. He bent over the bed with an expression torn between worry and disbelief.

"Goku?!"

Goku smiled. "Hello, Hakkai."

"You…you're awake!"

"That, I am. And hungry too."

Hakkai's face seemed as if a huge current of relief had just washed it over. But then in the next second, the same face fell and withdrawn from Goku's sight. Hakkai stood up and stepped back from the bed.

"I… I'll tell the others that you're awake… I'll bring food…"

"No, wait!"

Instinctively, Goku shot his hand and reached Hakkai. He only managed to grab the tip of Hakkai's shirt. It looked like his strength was returning to him since he could pull the shirt to the point of it threatened to rip. Or was it just because he was desperate enough to make Hakkai stay?

"Wait," repeated Goku. "I want to talk to you first."

He noticed how Hakkai was tensing up. His back jerked slightly and his head dropped. At first, Goku thought that Hakkai would brush his hand aside and leave the room. He did say awfully horrible things to Hakkai—which he regretted by now—and felt entitled for if Hakkai didn't want to see him again. But he lost the chance to speak his mind the last time. He didn't intend to regret it the second time.

Yet, Hakkai's words stopped him for a moment.

"I don't deserve to ever speak to you again. Nor to face you. I shouldn't have apologized as well, for it brings me endless shame. So I won't ask it again. I wish for you to stay alive and live well. I hope the Gods will pity me as to grant the last wish I've ever plead. I won't show myself before you again after this." 

The words were said in such calmness. But Goku could sense the obvious sense of guilt that the words were born from. Guilt and fear. Hakkai feared him. He couldn't believe his own thoughts. He didn't know what to say. He didn't like this kind of Hakkai. He wanted the old Hakkai back. But then, maybe this was the real Hakkai. Maybe the Hakkai that he used to know wasn't really Hakkai. His thoughts didn't mean much sense since he was having trouble for words right now. 

If words failed him now, maybe his feelings wouldn't. How did he feel about this; about what Hakkai did to him, about how Hakkai was going to leave him? Was he still angry? Did he still feel betrayed?

Knowing that Goku was hesitating, Hakkai sunk deeper into his grief. The boy wouldn't find it in his heart the pardon Hakkai was seeking yet was undeserving. A plan formed in his head in an instant. He would tell the others that the boy has awakened. He then would provide the gang with an ample amount of healing medicines and make sure that Sanzo wouldn't forget to feed the boy. He would leave Hak Ryu with the others because they need it for completing their journey. Then he would disappear, never to show his face again before Goku's eyes. Yes. That seemed like a sound plan for now.

Knowing what he must do and actually doing it were two very different things. The hardest part for him to do was to actually leave the boy. The small hand was still gripping the end of his shirt. Let it. Let it rip. He couldn't personally pry the hand off his shirt without touching it. Touching Goku now might not serve as the best decision for both of them.

And so he started to walk, away from the bed and towards the door. 

"Wait!"

Goku pulled the shirt. Using his grip, he pulled himself off the bed and wrung his weak arms around Hakkai's slim waist. He pressed his face on the warmth of Hakkai's back and instantly knew that he was doing the right thing. The whole back stiffened like taut wire despite of Goku's soft nuzzling.

"But I don't want you to go…," was all Goku managed to say.

"Goku…"

"No, listen, I don't want you to go. You said you should be ashamed for asking an apology. Well, I should be ashamed for not realizing that I should ask you an apology as well…"

"There's nothing for you to apolo…"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Hakkai, for not understanding. For being so careless and selfish that I couldn't see anything else except my own problem and misery. It's you, you're the one who's holding all the pain and the guilt. It's not really your fault. If I didn't go about with my stupid naivety, I would see that what I have been doing is hurting you. I'm sorry, Hakkai, I'm sorry…"

"Stop it, Goku…"

"No, you stop it and listen to me," Goku pulled Hakkai's arm so that the man turned to face him. "I didn't get the chance to tell you this the last time. So now you listen to me well. I.. I think I understood something back in the mansion. I saw it in you… I finally understood why you wanted to do what you did. I understand now how you think of me. I don't understand everything, but at least I now understand the pain and the suffering you've been going through. That night was an accident. You snapped and you did it wrong. But that's okay. You've apologized and I should've accepted it. That's totally okay. Look, I'm not some little china doll who easily breaks, as you might think I am. I was only angry because I felt you violated my trust to you. I thought you hurt me. But now that I think about it, maybe in some way I hurt you too. And I'm sorry for that."

Goku could feel Hakkai trembled before him. He wrapped his arms around the waist once again, this time from the front, and looked up to the face hidden behind the curtain of hair.

"Why…," Hakkai's voice cracked. "why are you apologizing to me..?"

"Hakkai, may I ask you something?"

Hakkai simply nodded weakly.

"Why did you do it? To me, I mean. I thought, if you want to do it, you'd do it with Gojyo…. I mean, I know how close you two are and everything…"

"It has to be you….," Hakkai's trembled voice floated in the room like silver threads that would break in one single touch. "You remind me of something that I've been trying to bury deep inside of me. Your innocence, your way of showing that you care and the faithful way by which you do it. I once have that kind of love and it was taken away from me. I'm not as saintlike as I look, Goku. I've been angry, I've been gravely disappointed. And seeing you… and Sanzo, I realized that I'm also envious. I'm even jealous of Sanzo for having someone like you to care for him, while he mistreats you all the time. No, I know he doesn't actually mistreat you… I… maybe it's just because I want it back… I want that love back. And I see it in you. Gods, Goku, I'm such a terrible person. Don't you ever apologize to me.. I don't deserve it… I…"

Goku dragged himself to his knees. His hands reached both sides of Hakkai's face and stroked them. He watched with a pang in his heart as tears rolled down the pale cheeks and the lips trembled. Hakkai flinched as Goku touched his face. How he longed for that touch. And how he feared it now. He feared that if he let himself to feel the touch, he wouldn't be able to stop himself anymore.

And Goku saw it all. The pain and the longing had crept their way to the surface now that the calm mask Hakkai used to wear had been broken to pieces. Goku didn't like seeing them. He didn't like seeing Hakkai wear the mask either. He suddenly have a dire urge to see what the real Hakkai, without all the pain and the longing, looked like. 

He understood it now. He knew he could heal the man. He knew, he was the only one who could. 

"Ssshh, it's all right.. Ssshhh…," Goku whispered in comfort. "See how much pain you're causing yourself? And how much I've been causing you? That's it, Hakkai. I've decided now. You shouldn't suffer anymore. I won't let you to. You've always been the one to heal the others and live with the burden that's killing you inside. It's time that you let go and let others to heal you. Let me be the one to soothe that pain. Let me be the healer for you this time, Hakkai."

Hakkai needed him. Hakkai needed him to be there, to hold him close and comfort him. Like a wounded child needed soothing. And Goku was only glad to know he could actually help. How long had this man been suffering for his loneliness? For other's touch upon his lonely skin? He had been hurting for so long and no one yet to realize it. No one but Goku. But even that after going through all these incidents and sufferings.

Goku pulled the man's face down. He blushed a little before he locked his lips on Hakkai's trembling ones. Those lips were cold. Those lips were in thirst of other's touch. Those lips stiffened under his touch for a while, before they actually gave in. He could feel the tingling sensations that ran under his skin to form that fluttery feeling inside his healed stomach. 

Hakkai hesitated. He still couldn't believe when Goku's lips touched his. His eyes widened when those sloppy, wet lips awkwardly molding his own in one gentle kiss. A scream of warning echoed inside his head. His head told him not to let the boy harm himself. And the boy was trying to harm himself by doing this to him. _But it is just one kiss_, said his heart. _One kiss won't hurt_.

This must be a sin, he thought, for it felt so heavenly sweet. And only the fruit of sin tastes that sweet. Yet, he had done wrong. He didn't deserve anything this sweet. He just didn't…

Goku pulled back for breath. He looked flushed but pleased with himself. _I can do this_, he thought pleasantly, _I can help him find that love he said he's lost._ _I'll make him happy. _He didn't know that helping someone could feel this good. Or was it the kiss that made him feel _that_ good? Goku decided he didn't know. He wasn't the sort of person who was good in this kind of thing. Gojyo would know. And he suspected that Sanzo, despite of his I-have-a-stick-stuck-up-my-ass stiff attitude, would know as well. 

Was it pity or sympathy, this warm tingling feeling spreading inside his chest?

Maybe it was both.

"Come here," Goku tugged Hakkai's arm, signaling the man to crawl on the bed with him.

"Goku…"

"Come here. Lie down with me."

Hakkai let himself be guided to the bed, while he was torn inside between accepting and rejecting the calling. He found his body a few seconds later to be lying down right next to the boy under the blanket that was still warm. The boy's face was flushed but was now also tinted with resolution. Whatever resolution the boy had made, Hakkai was too afraid to inquire. 

Goku laid his head on Hakkai's chest. He wrapped one arm around the man's waist and tangled his legs with those of Hakkai's. He felt incredibly warm and comfortable that he was almost purring ecstatically. 

"Mmm… Why haven't we done this before? It feels so good..," Goku raised his face and smiled to Hakkai. "You know, you're a lot nicer and more comfortable to be with than Sanzo. He would've given me that infamous death stare of his, you know, when his eyes slant that way he looks like a snake. Then out of nowhere, he would've produced that more infamous holy fan of his and smacked me with it…"

Goku's face suddenly fell. "Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked about Sanzo in times like this, should I?"

Hakkai forced a smile. "It's all right."

Goku jerked and raised himself on his elbow. "Now that's the usual smile you do when you're not being earnest of what you feel, isn't it, Hakkai? I know it now! Look, if there's anything that bothers you, just say so!"

Taken aback with what the boy was telling him, Hakkai couldn't help not to feel a peculiar kind of warmth seeped into his hollow heart. Could this boy really understand him, the real him? It was true that the boy had seen his worst form of anger and distress; he even tasted it in the hard way. And yet, here he was offering things Hakkai didn't think he would be capable of. Could the boy totally forgive him? Could the boy help to heal him? Seeing Goku now, and as always, he looked very earnest and eager to do so. To heal him. Could it even be done? Or was it just a concept formed out of hope and optimism?

"I told you how jealous I was of Sanzo because he has you," Hakkai tried to let the words flow out of his system without feeling guilty about it. He was failing, though. The guilt was still there. "But I guess it's all right if you talk about him. You really do…care about him…, don't you?"

"Well, yeah," Goku frowned his brows, thinking. "I do care for him. But that's not…love, is it? He will always have my faithful service, since he is the one I can really call my master. But I can't come running to him looking for comfort, you know. And it gets lonely for me sometimes."

"I understand the feeling."

Hakkai was smiling bitterly. Goku thought for a while, before popping out a question that had been residing long in his head but always forgotten to ask.

"Hakkai?"

"Hmm?"

"What is.. love?"

"You don't know what it is?"

"No. I've never had it. Well, I won't know whether I've ever had it or not if I don't know anything about it, right?"

Hakkai looked into the depth of those brown pools staring back at him. They were so clear, so young. There were neither traces of pain nor clouded honesty in there. Honesty. It was the very epitome of Goku's existence. He could be rash and blunt and naïve and hot-headed, but he was always honest. It wasn't without loving in his gesture when he brushed aside the thick bangs over the boy's forehead. 

And he couldn't help to feel how endearing the boy's honesty was. Now that his anger and jealousy had subsided, he could clearly see that honesty was the one quality of Goku that he really, really liked.

He landed a gentle, fleeting kiss over the boy's warm forehead. 

"It's a feeling, Goku, of like so intense that it might actually hurt you just by thinking of it."

He rubbed his fingers against the side of the boy's face, enjoying how the boy's eyes hazed in comfort.

"What does it feel, this 'love' thing? How do you know if you're in love?"

He took the boy closer in his arms, relishing the comfortable warmth the boy sent to his body. He helplessly shuddered with the emotions that raged in his heart. 

"You just do. You'll want to always be by that person's side even though there are things about them that you don't like. You'll want to always see that person smile even at the cost of your own suffering. You'll understand everything about that person and they will understand everything about you. And then, you'll want to spend the rest of your life with that person."

He took the boy's hand and kissed the back of it, softly, tenderly. Goku watched him in an amazed silence. Whatever thought slipped into the boy's head because of the gesture, Hakkai didn't care. He felt he couldn't stand letting go of the hand, of the warm body snuggling close against his. Not so soon. Not ever.

__

I really am the lowest of the low…

That was the only thought that crossed his mind as he seek the boy's lips with his own. Surprised, Goku let the man did what he wanted to do. Then he felt a flush creeping over his face when he felt a wet tongue nudge his lips open. Not knowing what to do, he let the tongue do what it pleased. He shut his eyes tight when the tongue managed to pass his lips and entered his mouth. He felt more flush coloring his face when it started to caress his own in the most tender way. 

If this was what people do when they were in love, it wasn't a bad thing.

When Hakkai broke the kiss, he was slightly panting for breath. Goku watched with astonishment when Hakkai's eyes turned into a cloudy shade of green. Without saying another word, the man buried his head in the crook of Goku's neck. The tongue went out again, it then nibbled on Goku's neck. The boy shut his eyes, suddenly felt terror was clutching his heart in a cold grip. This reminded him of that night, that night when the thunder struck so close to the ground. That night when Hakkai pushed him down and forced himself into him. Sweat was starting to dampen his forehead, as he recalled scene by scene that night with the incident.

He swallowed, hard. And cursed himself. He was the one who offered to do this. He was the one who proudly stated that he would help the man. And how he was the one cowering in fright over a single touch. What a paradoxical little thing, his messed-up head was.

He dug his fingers deep into Hakkai's shoulder, both in terror and pleasure, as the man's soft lips brushed against his earlobe. When the tongue came out again, licking softly at the contour of his earlobe, and a hand slipped inside his shirt to caress his chest, Goku couldn't help a soft moan to escape his mouth.

And that was enough to snap Hakkai's mind back into reality. Guilt was quick to find its way back into his head. He blushed with shame and immediately released the boy from the confine of his arms. He sat up, avoiding the boy's eyes, and covered his face with his trembling hand.

"I'm sorry…. I'm really sorry…. I didn't mean to…. I'm sorry…. I don't want to hurt you again…. I'm sorry…. What have I done..?"

Goku stared at the shaking back of his friend. Though Hakkai wasn't showing his face, Goku recognized the guilt and shame radiating from the back. And he knew, he just knew, that this Hakkai was different from the one who hurt him the other day. The Hakkai who hurt him had left, or delurked back into its godforsaken realm somewhere, leaving his other self to deal with all the pain and guilt it had caused. _This_ Hakkai wouldn't hurt him. Wouldn't have the heart to hurt him. Even when he really needed Goku, physically as well as mentally, he wouldn't dare to hurt him.

Damn it!

Why hadn't he realized it sooner? Goku cursed himself.

That was it. He was tired of this guilt-and-pain games. It wouldn't bring them anywhere and it definitely wouldn't do anything good. It was about time to drop all pretense and actually do something.

Goku sat up and moved to approach Hakkai. He laid a hand over the shirt-clad back. Hakkai's body went stiff and rigid under his touch. Goku slid his arms around the shoulder.

"_Ne_, Hakkai, it's okay, you know."

When Hakkai didn't respond at all, he scrambled over and sat on Hakkai's lap, while clinging his hands around the man's neck. Hakkai's face, pale and awed, was clearly visible to him now. He decided that he liked seeing Hakkai's face that clearly, without any pretense to shroud it.

Blushing furiously, he spoke with an almost boyish pout. "If you want to do it, it's okay. You won't hurt me now. And I want it as much as you do. "

"Goku…"

"So do it."

"Goku, I.."

"I — don't laugh— don't know how to do it. So _you_ have to do it."

"But Goku…."

"Oh, shut up, Hakkai."

Goku leaned over and kissed those hungry lips again. He didn't know where the hell he plucked his courage from. He didn't really care. He wanted this, he just realized. As much as he wanted to help Hakkai. This probably wasn't sheer sympathy after all.

Hakkai hesitated at first, not really believing what the boy had just said. Not really trusting himself to actually do it without hurting the boy. But having the boy's sweet, sweet lips crushed onto his was all he could take to strain himself. He returned the kiss, gently at first before letting it grow into a more passionate, breath-taking one. The boy unconsciously murmured during the kiss, which sent incredibly pleasing vibrations that stung all over his body.

Gods, how he wanted this boy so much….

Hakkai wrapped his arms around the boy's slim waist, pulling him closer so there wouldn't be any empty space to stretch between their bodies. The boy was so warm. He smelled wonderful too. Like the fresh morning air after a night of heavy rain. Like the smell brought by the first breeze of spring. 

The boy's tongue nudged sloppily against his lips, before he opened them and had it slide inside. They met, they caressed, they stroked each other in the warm cavity, and it felt so right. So damn right.

When the kiss broke, Goku's face was all flushed, not with regret, but with desire and curiosity. The boy seemed to want more. Hakkai wasn't sure he should give more.

"Hakkai…. Touch me…."

It wasn't a plead. It wasn't a command either. To say it an encouragement was putting it mildly. It was probably a request. 

His mind dove into a panic swirl of thoughts as his hands slid the boy's shirt over his shoulder and head. He shouldn't do this. He shouldn't. He must stop. He must put the shirt back on and leave the room. He didn't, though. The first sight of the boy's bare chest weakened him.

A sin is a sin, whether it is done in small or great amount. So might as well dive in.

It should be his religious motto from now on, Hakkai thought, as he trailed a wet trace from the boy's neck down to his naked chest. The boy shivered on his lap, digging his fingers deep into Hakkai's shoulder. When he kissed one of the nipples, the boy's breath hitched up, much to his excitement. 

"Ah, Hakkai…"

"Did I hurt you? Should I stop?"

Goku squirmed. "God, no. Don't stop."

He squirmed some more when Hakkai nibbled on the nipple. He felt his body was undergoing something he had never experienced before. He didn't feel like this the first time with Hakkai. Then again, he didn't have any room for any pleasantries with all the pain. This was different, he thought. This was much nicer.

Hakkai felt something nudged against his stomach. He was surprised, when he looked down, to find that it was the boy's erection. And what was more surprising to see was his own arousal poking at the boy's crotch. The boy saw it too. He blushed and wriggled his hip to shift his position until both erections touched and poked each other.

"Goku…"

The friction was unbearable. What Hakkai wanted was to throw the boy down on the bed and fuck him senseless. But he wasn't going to hurt him again. Ignoring his boiling need, he took the boy's pants-clad erection in his hand and stroke it gently. Goku groaned, leaning his head on Hakkai's shoulder.

"God, Hakkai, do something about that!"

"What do you want, Goku?" he whispered amusedly into the boy's sensitized ear.

Goku's grip on his shoulder tightened. "I don't know! Anything!"

Hakkai slid Goku's pants down slowly, only as much as to reveal the already-hard cock. He stoked its dripping tip with his thumb, sending stars to Goku's eyes. He tweaked, pinched, rubbed and stroked for some more until Goku was no more than a puddle of jelly in his arms. A moaning puddle of jelly.

Understanding the boy's immediate need, Hakkai laid him gently on the bed. He took off his own pants before lying on top of the boy to ravish the inviting mouth. He ground his naked arousal against Goku's, enjoying the moan the boy let out between the wet kisses.

"Hakkai…. Is that you?"

"Yes, that's me."

Feeling shamelessly debauched, Goku raised his hip to meet Hakkai's, only to create more pleasing frictions. Hakkai dropped his head on Goku's chest, moaning, and tried to think of other thing but forcing himself into the boy's body. 

"Don't… don't, Goku… Not so fast…. I'll… I'll end up hurting you again…"

Goku was equally aroused. "No. No, you won't. It's not like you're forcing yourself with me again. I want this, now. If I want it, it won't hurt as much, will it?"

"I… I don't know…"

"Let's just do it, Hakkai."

Helplessly, Hakkai buried his face in Goku's hair. "God, you know it's not like I don't want to do it."

"Then do it. Get over your fear. I did with mine."

"You're not going to regret it?"

"I don't think so."

"You will tell me to stop when it hurts too much?"

"I will. Promise."

"You will tell me to stop when it's not pleasing you too?"

Goku wriggled some more, desperate for more frictions on his arousal. "Oh, for God's sake, Hakkai!"

"Ah, sorry….okay…"

Hakkai crawled down the boy's body, positioning himself between the legs. He pulled down Goku's pants. His breath grew ragged when he saw the sight of Goku's hard cock bobbed free from its cotton confinement. He trailed wet kisses up the boy's leg, to the thigh, before finally dared himself to lick the balls. He heard Goku trashing about, but was too occupied with the sweet taste of him in his mouth that he didn't look up. 

It was an incredible feeling. Goku clawed his nails into the bed sheet. The innkeeper wouldn't be happy with the sheet tomorrow. Well, Sanzo would have to cover the extra cost for the ruin sheet. Boy, ain't he going to be really mad tomorrow. _And THAT's the only thought I have in my mind right now!?_ Goku couldn't believe himself.

Hakkai was really good with his mouth, he decided between his ragged pants. The way he licked, and sucked, and rolled them in that mouth could send him over the moon and never to return down to earth again. And when he shifted said licking, sucking and rolling activities to his throbbing cock, he almost wept, literally. 

He was slightly aware of his shame when he began to moan loudly. He needed more. He didn't know what. Something! Something faster, maybe. And harder. God, it was torture when Hakkai started to suck him slow and hard like that. It was like being hungry but constantly deprived of food. Or like being hungry and couldn't snatch the food that dangled before his very nose. Yes, it had everything to do with being hungry. He was hungry for more; more of this, more of Hakkai.

He tried to tell that to Hakkai, but because of the incredible pleasure, he could only mumble something incoherent.

"What is it? Am I hurting you?" Hakkai's voice sounded worry.

Damn it! This wasn't the time for worrying about the pain. 

"More…," Goku muttered when he finally remembered his vocabulary. "I need more."

"More what?"

"How the hell should I know? Just more… of this. There's got to be something more to this, isn't it?" he was suddenly very alarmed. "_Isn't it?_" 

Blinking in surprise, Hakkai smiled tenderly. "Yes, there is. I'm going there. Just lie down and enjoy it, Goku."

"I _am_ enjoying it. I just want to enjoy it more…"

The boy's breath was ragged and short. His skin glowed slightly with perspiration. His fingers were tearing the sheet to pieces. His hips were slightly raised off the bed, his arousal hard and dripping. The boy was ready. So ready, he was in pain. And Hakkai knew that pain. Oh he knew it all to well. That constant throbbing pain in his body with nothing to heal. Surely, he could just settle with his own hand to do the trick. But most of the time, it wasn't enough. He needed flesh -- warm, caring flesh -- to sink himself into.

No, he would _not_ go there now. 

The past had already passed and he had promised himself he wouldn't bring it to the present time anymore.

This time, he had Goku. And Goku was all he needed.

"Wait the minute," Goku raised on his elbows again, still panting for air. "Why are you still dressed while I'm not?"

"I'm already without any pants."

"Yes, I can see that. But what's going on with your shirt? Are you planning to have it on during….this?"

"Do you want me to take this off?"

"Hell, yeah."

Obediently, Hakkai took off his shirt and dropped it on the floor. He knelt there on the bed without anything covering his body, for the boy's young eyes to freely scrutinize. Feeling self-conscious, a furious flush began to creep over his face.

Goku was staring. With those innocent baby browns, he was staring. At his sinful, youkai body. He wanted to run away, away from that stare. He felt terribly ugly and shameful. And he swore he could hear his self-confident's footstep running out of the room to the hall outside at the very moment. 

_You're beautiful, Hakkai…_

That was surely not going to escape the boy's mouth. Because he wasn't beautiful at all.

"God, you're so _skinny_, Hakkai! We should've fed you more!" Goku's eyes were as round as saucers.

*thud*

Ah, yes, that was exactly something Goku would say. He couldn't help but chuckled amusedly at the boy's respond. Goku, who didn't understand why Hakkai was laughing, knitted his brows.

"What? What did I say? You _are _skinny!" the monkey boy pouted in confusion, but then he sat up and went to hold Hakkai by the waist. "But I like it."

Still half-chuckling, Hakkai stroked the boy's tousled hair. "What?"

"I said, I like it. Your body. The way it is. I really do," Goku was blushing to the very root of his hair.

Feeling very much touched, Hakkai took the boy's face in his hands and kissed him. "You are incredible, Goku."

The boy grinned like a monkey, while tightening his hold around Hakkai's waist. 

"Now, since I've ruined the mood, I'll make it up to you," he said, going down on Hakkai's body.

"What? What are you doing?"

He took Hakkai's cock in his hand and smiled to the man. "Let me taste you."

"Goku…"

"You tasted me. And it felt amazing. I want you to feel that amazing feeling too."

"I don't have to. It's okay."

"No, it's not okay. I want to do this, okay?"

Without further warning, the boy kissed the tip of the head and gave it a lick. Hakkai gritted his teeth, half in disbelieve, half in raw pleasure. Pleased with the taste on his tongue, Goku took the throbbing length into his mouth and began to suck. 

Hakkai let out a long, deep moan; feeling his body was melting into a goo. He leant his hands on Goku's shoulder for support because he didn't trust his own legs to do the job. The boy's mouth was a wondrous thing. It was warm, and wet, and eager. It was a combination of those and more. He had to muster all the control he had over his body not to come right there.

For Goku, it felt strangely nice. The texture of the man's cock against his tongue was thick and velvety. He thought it would feel all weird, but it wasn't. Hearing Hakkai moan and pant above him helped to make him forget about the strangeness and awkwardness to have another man's cock in his mouth. He went and sucked it all up and did what Hakkai did to him just a moment earlier.

Overwhelmed by his hot desire, Hakkai topped Goku over to the bed. The boy yelped as he felt the entire world swirled before his eyes, before realizing he was lying on his back once again. He didn't have the chance to protest because Hakkai was suddenly showering him with hot, deep kisses. He had his face framed between Hakkai's firm hands and his whole body pinned down to the bed. The silent man let out an uncharacteristically ferocious growl while he ravished Goku's neck and jaw.

"Hakkai…," Goku panted, digging his fingers into Hakkai's hair.

The voice that followed afterwards was Hakkai's. But it wasn't in his usual light-hearted tone. It was low, and hoarse, and flat, as if he was straining for something.

"Goku, if you want me to stop now, say it now. After this, I won't be able to hold back anymore. I might pain you. I might take you with force. I'm serious. Do you want me to stop now?"

The heart beat so fast inside Goku's chest. Somehow, the seriousness of the tone was like a cold razor cutting him in two. Yet, he couldn't deny that it also invoke the funny feeling rioting in his guts that was excitement. But he had dropped his fear some time ago. He wasn't going to pick it up again. And surprisingly, he didn't have to. He wasn't even a bit scared. He wanted this to happen, whatever reasons could make him to. It might be lust, it might be not. It might be love, it might be not either. He didn't know. It wasn't the right time to use his lust-numbed brain to start thinking. Oh, well, he had never been good with thinking while he was in normal condition anyway.

So he should just depend on his feeling and instinct. "I want it. Don't stop. I don't care if it's going to hurt. God, Hakkai, don't be mean and stop teasing me now!"

There was a thick edge of desire in the boy's answer. Which was good, thought Hakkai. That would help him forget about the pain. If all would be well, he would even probably enjoy this as much as Hakkai did. Though he wondered how could the boy, innocent of he was in terms of love and sex, to have that certain passionate edge in his voice. Lust must have awakened the boy's inner beast. Realizing this, Hakkai started to have a mad idea. He might not feel so guilty of making love with this Goku.

__

Making love? Hakkai wanted to laugh, though he wasn't so sure if it because of joy or pain. When was the last time he actually makes love? Never. Never after Kanan. How he had forgotten the feel of other's flesh scorching into his own! How a delicious touch would satiate the passionate hunger that echoed throughout his whole existence. How he missed it. How he wanted it back.

And Goku was here to remind him.

"Very well."

Hakkai took his position. He pried himself from Goku and knelt between the boy's open legs. He raised the boy's hips, followed by Goku's cute squeal, off the bed and leant it on his stomach. He spread the boy's legs even wider, causing Goku to blush madly. He put a finger into his mouth and suckled it. When he thought it was wet enough, he slowly but smoothly inserted it into the boys tight opening. 

Goku clawed deep fissures in the mattress with his nails as panic attacked him at the first sense of the alien finger inside his body. He bit his lips, anticipating for the pain that might ensue. But the expected pain didn't come. Instead, he began to feel…rather good. The finger gently probed him in places he never knew existed in him. As if something alive was exploring all the secret places inside his body. It was undoubtedly strange. But it was also particularly pleasing. It was very different from the first time Hakkai did it with him. He could only remember the raw pain, nothing else. Now, he could thoroughly enjoy the novel sensations his body was going through.

"This doesn't…..," Goku gasped, "feel so bad…"

Taking it as a green light, Hakkai added the second finger and probed deeper, which Goku responded with a loud moan. Moan, not scream. Which was good. The boy still wasn't hurting. He pushed the fingers deeper until Goku's entire body jerked as if thunder stroke in the inner side of his groin. The boy did scream, then, but not without pleasure.

"Ohgodohgodohgodohgod….. what was that?" the boy groaned while writhing about on the bed.

"That," Hakkai smiled, "is the place where I'm going to stroke with my body over and over again, until the pleasure will blind and dumb you."

The boy groaned some more, impatient and extremely aroused to hear Hakkai saying such an obscene line.

"Then what the hell are you doing? Go blind and dumb me now!" 

Hakkai was only too happy to comply. He pulled his fingers out of Goku's wet opening. He took his own arousal, which was still wet from Goku's blowing a moment ago, and slipped it inside the boy as slowly as he could control himself to do. The boy ripped the sheet with his tight grip and filled the silent air with his scream.

"Relax your muscle, Goku. Don't reject me, it'll hurt more."

Hakkai reached to stroke the boy's neglected arousal to distract him from the pain. It worked like a charm. Soon enough, Goku's pained screams turned into pleading moans, while Hakkai was still adjusting his size to the tightness of his body. It took all the strength and control that he had not to go wild and pound into the boy right there. He waited for the boy to get used to his size before he finally started to move his hips. 

"Gods, Goku…," Hakkai almost passed out from the pleasure as Goku's tightness gripped him hard. But instead of stopping, he increased the speed of his movement.

Wave after wave of pleasure and pain hit Goku like a strong current that drowned him mercilessly. He felt as if he could die out of the sheer combination of sensations anytime now, but he had also never felt so alive. Ironic. How a thing that hurt and frightened him a few days ago could feel so damn good now. His senses were alive, aroused. He could feel every single friction made by Hakkai as he pushed and pulled in and out of his body. And every single friction threatened to burn him with unquenchable lust and yet, here he was still alive. Still rock hard. Still very much aroused.

It was different, very different from that night. Images of memory from the first time Hakkai touched him flashed before Goku's eyes. He closed his eyes, wishing the painful reminder to go away. _It was different then,_ Goku thought, _it was completely different._ This felt like an entirely different experience, though it involved the same people. This..

It wasn't the real Hakkai who did what he did the other day, Goku decided.

It was Hakkai being eaten up from the inside by the demon that was his past.

It was Cho Gono.

The real Hakkai was the one groaning above him.

The real Hakkai wouldn't want to hurt him.

The real Hakkai was a fragile man whose soul once shattered by the tragic fate his life had led. To prevent from being completely broken to pieces, he grew that demon inside of him, to protect his real fragile self. Goku gazed at the currently moaning Hakkai with such fondness.

__

I will protect him now. He won't need the demon to do that for him anymore. I'm not going to let this gentle soul suffers anymore.

And so the vow had been spoken.

Hakkai leant over, making love to Goku's mouth with his wet tongue. Goku wrapped his arms around the man's neck, pulling him closer. He wanted to be closer, he wanted to be one with the man. He felt he could merge into Hakkai's body and lived inside him for the rest of his life. And he thought, that might not be such a bad idea.

Hakkai whispered his name intimately in his ears, his voice deep and hoarse. It was like breathing a new soul into Goku. Something born and grew inside the boy's innocent heart. Something close to love, but perhaps even more. Something so primitive, so ancient and nameless, yet strangely familiar all the same. It felt so right.

Hakkai took his hands and squeezed them together. Sweat and pre-come glued them in a bond they were forging with their souls. It was so intense, so intimate. Their ragged breathing molded together and they felt it in their heart that nothing stood between them, not then, not later, and not ever. Inseparable, insatiable. They were one. There was no telling which one was the other, as the heat in the center of their bodies intensified. Like a flame, grand and graceful, the heat danced inside their bodies. It danced and exploded and set their souls to soar up high.

Hakkai snapped his body upwards as his eyes went blind.

Goku arched his back and screamed as he felt his life was being ripped from his body.

Then they both exploded, merging into one, drowned and lost in a sea of light so blinding it felt as if the universe has shrunk and they were the only ones washed ashore to the beach of human existence.

+ + + + + +

When he opened his eyes the next morning and found that one tousled-haired head was poking his face, Hakkai couldn't help not to smile very contentedly. So it wasn't a dream after all. He wouldn't wonder if it were, though he was extremely relieved that it wasn't. 

He gazed down to the sleeping boy, who found comfort in the tight wrap of his arms. His heart swelled with warmth and gratitude. He ran a hand over the tousled hair lovingly. He buried his face into the soft hair and inhaled the sweet smell of the boy as if it was the air he needed to survive. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to shout. Hell, he wanted to cry in joy. 

For whatever deities who had enough mercy to bless him with this much of happiness, he was very grateful. He would probably ask Sanzo later to teach him how to pray to the gods, something he had deliberately forgotten after his life took a tragic turn in the past.

He recalled what happened last night. Not once did he even think about Kanan, sex wise, during the whole time they made love. And that was one of his greatest worries, that he wouldn't be able to make love with anyone else without thinking about Kanan. Whatever the boy did to make him think of nothing else but him, he didn't know. But he was grateful, nonetheless. 

He must be the luckiest man in the world. It was such a cliché line, but it couldn't be any truer. He stroked the boy's back tenderly, vowing to himself that this time he would not fail to protect what was his anymore. He wouldn't let it happen the second time. Not with Goku. Not with his sweet, little Goku…

"Hakkaiii…?"

A hoarse moan was heard from under the tousled hair. A sleepy face with half-lidded drowsy eyes looked up to meet his. The eyes blinked cutely for several times, before a dopey grin broke on the lips.

"Mornin'…."

"Morning," Hakkai returned the greet with a gentle kiss on the boy's lips.

Goku squirmed and moaned and squirmed some more.

"Man, I'm staaaaarved!" he declared to the entire empty room, completely ruining the affectionate mood.

Hakkai chuckled. Trust Goku to worry about food the first time his consciousness returned. 

"How are you?" he asked, nuzzling the boy's neck and nibbled it until the boy ticklishly giggled. 

"I told you, I'm hungry…"

"I mean, are you still sore?"

"What? Oh, sure. I'm hurting for mooore…"

Hakkai laughed and bit the boy's earlobe playfully. "Honestly!"

Goku's brilliant laugh broke, as clear as the ringing of bells to Hakkai's ear. Hakkai rolled the boy over, pinning him down to the bed with no way out. Goku, in turn, used this chance to tickle Hakkai's nipples playfully. He received another bite on the neck from the laughing -- and squirming -- Hakkai.

Once their laughter died down to a comfortable silence, Goku looked up to the other man's face and found himself being stared with eyes filled with so much love and warmth.

"Thank you," whispered Hakkai with a most tender smile.

Goku returned the smile with his own boyish one. "You're welcome."

"So, now that the good deed has been done, when are you planning to leave me to my own loneliness?"

"Nuh-uh! I'm planning to stick around. You're not going to get rid of me so easily, Mister."

"Really, I thought children have short attention span…"

"Hey, I'm much older than you are!"

"Hoo, you know, you're right."

Hakkai ran little breath-taking kisses over Goku's chest, causing the boy to shut his eyes and moan. "You make me feel happier than I never thought I could ever be."

He lowered the kisses down to the navel, where he lingered for a while, enjoying the heavy squirming the boy was going through.

"Hakkai…"

He trailed the scar that ran the middle part of Goku's stomach with his lips. The wound had completely healed a few days after the injury was conceived. But the scar left the once perfectly smooth skin marred. This was a sign of his failure, thought Hakkai. May this be a reminder so that he wouldn't make the same mistake again in the future.

"You know, Hakkai," Goku ran both of his hands to the side of Hakkai's face. "We should do this again."

"Again?"

"Yes. In fact, I think we should do it often. Like every night. Like twice, no, three times a day. It'll be like some sort of medicine."

"Yes, a medicine that instead of improving our health, it will kill us slowly in the process," Hakkai laughed mildly.

Goku pulled both of Hakkai's cheeks playfully while feigning anger. "I'm serious, Hakkai! Look, I don't know much about this stuff, but I understood something last night. I don't know if it's love or anything, and well, maybe it isn't, since I don't know what love is. But…"

Goku raised himself on his elbows and landed a kiss on Hakkai's lips.

"I want to be with you all the time, because you're very, very nice. I feel most comfortable and safe when I'm with you. I always want to see you smile, because I hate it when you're sad or depressed. You make me sad and depressed too if you are. You have the greatest smile in the world, Hakkai, so smile often! Also, I don't know if we both understand each other, but I want to know more about you. Much more than the usual friend thing that we share. And I think spending the rest of my life with you is a really good idea. I think I really, really, reaaaally like you, Hakkai. And don't forget about the three-times a day sex thing. But don't tell this to Gojyo, unless you want him to make fun of me…."

This boy….

Hakkai was drowned in his overwhelmed silence as his eyes felt warm and his sight was blurred. He took the boy's hand and kissed it with all the love and respect his shattered heart could hold. His body quivered and his breath ragged as he lied on the bed and took the boy into his arms.

"Hakkai,…. are you crying?" 

"No, Goku. I'm smiling."

They stayed in each other's arms that way for a long stretch of silence. It was the kind of comfortable silence when everything in the world felt so right, it could never be any more right than that. It was a peaceful calm, soothing and pleasing, incredibly blissful. Well, at least until a loud growl roaring through the air, breaking the peaceful, blissful, comfortable silence rather unceremoniously.

Goku grinned like a dopey sheep. Or maybe, a dopey monkey, to be exact.

"Sorry. It think I really _am_ starving," he said while rubbing his still-growling stomach.

Laughing gleefully, Hakkai raised himself off the bed, off Goku's circle of arms. 

"Where are you going?" Goku was disappointed to see Hakkai go.

"Why, to cook your breakfast, of course," answered Hakkai cheerfully.

Goku eyes sparkled like a starry sky with shooting stars. "REALLY?! THANK YOU, HAKKAI!!"

"You won't have to worry about food anymore, Goku. Or anything else. I'm going to take care of you," Hakkai was quick in getting dressed. "Now, what do you want for breakfast? I'll cook you anything you want. I'm sure the inn cook will let me borrow his kitchen for a while."

Goku was practically bouncing on the bed. "What do I want? Now, what do I want? Meat steamed-buns would be nice. But I also want a large bowl of chicken porridge with boiled egg. Or a big plate of toast and scrambled egg with pancake on the side. Oh! Oh! But fried rice with meatballs and sausages is also delicious. But, you know what, I've been wanting noodles with pork-chops these past few days. Oooh… this is so difficult! Must be the toughest decision I've ever had to make in my entire life!"

Hakkai was taking notes of whatever Goku suggested. "Is there anything else?"

"What do you mean 'anything else'? I haven't decided anything!"

"Then don't give yourself the trouble. I'll cook them all!"

Goku's jaw dropped to the floor. He was frozen like that for one full minute, before he scrambled off the bed to hug Hakkai by the waist as if the man was the great savior who was going to save the world from a horrendous disaster. He was completely oblivious of his nudity, much to Hakkai's pleasure.

"I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU, HAKKAI! I LOVE YOU!" Goku was already in tears of joy.

Hakkai chuckled. "Now, now, Goku. You shouldn't say the word 'love' that carelessly. I might begin to think that you're not serious."

Goku instantly sobered up. "You know that's not true. You're scaring me, Hakkai. Please, tell me you know exactly how I feel about you."

__

Actually, I don't, _Goku,_ thought Hakkai. _but I'm not going to let you get away with that. I'll make sure that whatever it is you're feeling for me right now will grow into love. Though it sounds like a foolish dream for me to wish that kind of thing, I'm going to wait until one day you can say the word I've been longing to hear for so long. But I'm not going to push you to say it. I will wait until you do._

"I'm just kidding," Hakkai answered with the happiest of smile. "If there isn't anything else you want me to cook, then why don't you stay here and wait for me to finish."

"Okay!"

Goku watched as Hakkai disappeared behind the door. He couldn't help not to feel incredibly content. Not because of the amazing promise of a super-duper satisfying breakfast, but because Hakkai looked really happy. It was the first time after so long that Hakkai seemed to be this happy. And knowing that it was mostly because of him, made him feel even happier than Hakkai was.

Goku stretched and yawned loudly to the empty room. He stalked his way back to the warm bed and threw himself on it. He yawned again before he purred and curled under the blanket that smelled blissfully like Hakkai and took a nap until breakfast was ready.

Not even a stampede of raging youkai would ruin his day after this. He was so happy he felt stupid and numb because of it. If Gojyo were there, he would gladly say that Goku _was_ stupid and numb to begin with. But even that wouldn't bother him.

+ + + + + +

Three days later, when it was considered safe for Goku's state of health, the gang was leaving again. Everything went back to normal. No, everything was even better. The gloomy mood that once hung over them had lifted up completely. Their journey was once threatened to fail, but now they were back on track. The stormy cloud had gone and so life must go on.

At least, for some people.

Sanzo watched in silence as Goku, who was taking his luggage to the Jeep, wailed in agony because he was hungry. Hakkai, who went overboard again – it was the third time in three days-- by preparing a special 10 course meal for his monkey-boy lover, calmed the hungry soul immediately. Sanzo stood silently by the Jeep, watching them with an unreadable expression on his face.

When Hakkai went inside the inn to grab some extra food provision for the trip, Sanzo silently slipped behind him and followed until they arrived at the inn kitchen. Hakkai then realized that Sanzo had been following him inside. He didn't know what the scary monk had been feeling about the new situation with him and Goku, and he wasn't sure if he should pry into it. Knowing Sanzo, he might end up with a hole in his head if he asked about his feeling.

"Sanzo, I didn't know you're here," Hakkai tried putting on his most innocent smile.

Sanzo, who could see through the innocent façade, cut the chase and went straight to the point. "I don't care what you and that brat have been doing or planning to do after this. So don't bother to tell me. I'll kill you if you do. That brat has been a nuisance to me and I'm glad he's not tailing me around anymore. But however it is, it is my bad luck to be the one who freed him from that blasted mountain and I'm doomed 'till my death to see to it that he doesn't do anything stupid that will hurt himself. Which is an impossible thing to do, since he has a knack to bring trouble along with him. So, I hate to say this, but I'm still the one responsible for his sake. That's why – I'm only going to say this once so listen well – if there's anything bad happens to him, or if you kick his stupid ass too hard he cries like a stupid baby, I won't hesitate to come and kill you. It's my ass on the stake for his safety since the old geezers in heaven trusted me with him. You hurt him, I'll kill you. You stop taking care of him, I'll kill you. You kill him, I kill you. He comes running to me and tells me whatever it is you've been doing noisily at night, I'll kill you too. So make sure it won't happen."

Hakkai was genuinely surprised. And touched. This was a very Sanzo-ish way to tell him that he better take good care of the boy he cared so much, or else he would avenge him. He knew he should probably be offended with this rather rude threat, but knowing Sanzo, he realized the cold, mean monk had just given him his permission to freely fuck his monkey-slave. And it brought such warm, fuzzy feeling to Hakkai's chest.

In return, he decided to tell Sanzo that he got the message loud and clear. Also in a ery Sanzo-ish way.

"So, to sum up, whatever I'll do, you'll kill me anyway," Hakkai fought not to smile.

Sanzo's brow twitched. "You can feed him all right. He's quiet when he's full. I like the quiet. And you can keep him around all day. I can finally enjoy my privacy."

"Okay. Got it."

As Sanzo turned to go, Hakkai stopped him again. "Sanzo, by the way, thank you. For this and everything before."

The monk froze for a second or two, before he said, "Save it. I don't know what you're talking about."

It was with a slightly lighter weight in his chest that Sanzo left the inn to rejoin his other traveling companions. But he was still in his sulking mode. He didn't know why but he thought he knew that it wouldn't go away so soon, this shaky-angry feeling of his. Gojyo, who noticed him disappear into the inn right after Hakkai, and was feeling rather bored, approached the upset monk.

"Hey, what did you say to him?" Gojyo asked. 

"Who?"

Gojyo rolled his eyes. "Drop the stupid mask. You know I was talking about Hakkai. What did you say to him? Did you tell him to break up with Goku."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I went in to talk to the innkeeper."

Gojyo, who knew that Sanzo was lying but was too proud to admit it, decided to shift the subject. "Looks like everything went well for both of them."

"I'd say, it went far too well."

Gojyo laughed. "You're damn right."

He gazed at his monk friend, who was currently eyeing the couple – Hakkai went out of the inn not long after Sanzo did -- in a deadly silence. Gojyo sighed, feeling that he understood well what Sanzo was feeling right now.

"It's not like he's leaving you, you know, Sanzo," said Gojyo again. "The brat's still as faithful to you as a stupid puppy. He just happens to have another person whom he seek comfort from. Let's just face it, it's not like you love comforting the nagging brat, is it?"

Sanzo scowled, turning around to leave the nosy Gojyo while saying, "He never seriously asked."

Gojyo gaped at the sulking monk. That cold and stiff bastard was just acting like a selfish, spoiled brat himself. Which was…

"He's kinda cute," Gojyo chuckled. "Especially when he's sulking like this."

Quickly, he caught up with his crabby friend. He stepped in front of Sanzo and hovered his face only millimeters away from the angry monk's. He took Sanzo's chin with his hand and threw him his most indecent, sexiest smile.

"You know, the offer of my companion is still up. Since we're both now free, whatd'ya say if we retreat somewhere and have a little quickie. It's not like they're going to miss us for a while…"

Before Sanzo had the time to squash down the offer in the cruelest way, Goku appeared just beside them.

Goku's eyes went as big as dinner plates. "GOJYO! What the hell are you doing?! Are you hitting on Sanzo?! You, you, you perverted kappa!!"

"Hey, when the hell did you get here? Shoo, leave us alone!"

"You really are the Horny King, aren't you? Pervert! You're such a pervert! Sanzo won't want to be with you!"

Sanzo raised a brow, as if annoyed with the fact that someone else was deciding if he wanted to be with anyone or not. Meanwhile, Gojyo, mischievous as he was, had another thing up his sleeve.

He smiled wickedly and said in a thick honeyed-voice, "Oh, really, sweet, little, lovey-dovey Goku. Are you sure I'm the horny one of the gang now? Recently, I hear a lot of complains about the noise coming from YOUR room, _not_ mine. Oh, I wonder, what could you possibly do to elicit THOSE kinds of noise…"

SMACK!!

Gojyo rubbed his the fresh bump on his head. "Ouch! SANZO, why the hell did you do that for?!"

Sanzo raised a brow. "It wasn't me."

Hakkai, smiling calmly as ever, returned the holy fan to Sanzo, who took it as casually as if nothing ever happened. Goku laughed so hard, he almost fell tumbling to the ground.

Gojyo gaped.

"Hakkai?! You did…. But it's supposed to be Sanzo's job to smack people's head around, not yours!"

Hakkai was still smiling. "Now, now, Gojyo, don't be mad. You're the one who told me not to keep my emotions to myself anymore. I just had this sudden urge to hit you and so I did. Was I wrong?"

Gojyo gaped even wider. Unintelligible words were choked from his throat, as he wanted to protest yet unsure if he really should. 

Goku laughed even louder; he actually fell on his butt. 

Sanzo muttered something under his breath while rubbing his temple. 

Hakkai returned to uploading his luggage to the Jeep, humming merrily all the while. He glanced at the bright sky above and the long road that lied before their journey. 

"Ah, yes, what a perfect day today!"

+ + + + + +

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yoong's A/N: Yeah~!!! It's finally done!!! jumping around This is a dream come true for me. I never thought of making such a long, intensed fic, especially to complete it. I've never mentioned before but here, I want to say "Thank you" to all readers. Your reviews are the best fuel to Sakura and me. We might not be able to finish this fic without your warm and kind support. Do you like it? This ending chapter is so sweet to compensate the bitter angst from all earlier ones. 

To Sakura, you're my very dear friend. Thanks for all you have done. It's nearly unbelievable that our team has lasted for over a year already. You have my gratitutde from the bottom of my heart, pal!! 

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Sakura's Scribbling: Finally! After a really lo~o~ng period of writing and procrastinating, this fic is done! Woo-hoo! Ooh, I can see Yoong crying with relief, after she found out that I could _actually _finish it… ^__^;; Yoong, sorry for all the trouble I've caused you. And thank you for teaming up with me. Never before have I been so emotionally involved in writing a character's POV as you made me to be in this fic. You're such a wonderful plotter! Hell, with your amazing care for details, you're probably the greatest fan Saiyuki could ever have! *applauds Yoong*

And as for you, faithful readers, who have been following our work all this time, thank you! I'm especially grateful for all the reviewers! Your encouragement really helped me every time I was in a slip knot and was feeling like I couldn't go on. (This goes for Yoong as well, by the way! ^^) I hope you enjoyed it! I know I did. =)


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